Things I don’t need…
Tag: Struggle
People staring and pointing at me…
This has happened to me many times in my life. People have stared at me, gossiped about me, pointed at me, bullied me deliberately excluded me, used me, abused me, hurt me emotionally and physically and more things I think I have blocked out.
I’ve never had a real friend. The people I’ve thought were my friends were like facebook friends, just a click on a screen, just electric dreams, an illusion of friendship. These people are fleeting and temporary and don’t really matter. They don’t care about me, just use me as a tool to get what they want, either a free lift home or something else.
Trying to climb a very high hill to find happiness…
Sometimes I still want to crawl in a hole and be alone, but mostly now, I want to become healthier, happier, more positive and exercise more.
(c) ASD and me 2021
WTF is happening in the world.
I can’t believe its been over a month since I posted. A lot has happened, but yet, nothing happened.
I’ve had a lot of trouble with the LAC company. They kept calling me trying to force me into a review I’m not ready for, 2 months earlier than scheduled. After 4 phone calls, they succeeded. I have a phone appointment with some nobody from the company I despise now and my good support coordinator who I demanded has to be included.
I even called the NDIA and told them I want his name added to my file so he can speak on my behalf.
Also, the unprofessional company who “has a contract with the government” keeps telling me I’m stuck with them and can not change. Bullshit! I called the NDIA and they said I can go to a different company. The one I chose is about an hours drive away, but I don’t care. I can drive there and go shopping as well or they can drive to my house.
I’m tired of being bullied by nobodies who think they know better and who are afraid of losing money. I know they think they can bully disabled people, but they’re not doing it to me.
I’m so afraid of losing my funding. I haven’t done anything yet and it might be cancelled next week. The SC said not to worry you won’t lose your funding, but I’m not sure.
Also, WTF do people keep just walking around like nothing has changed? Like China didn’t release all hell on the world. And acting like social distancing isn’t a thing. I wish social distancing was a law all the time.
And I can’t even start on what’s happening in America. People looting, destroying lives and terrorising innocent people. If I was really religious, I would say it’s the end of days. I think this year alone, bushfires, Covid 19, riots, stupids jerks running loose, covid has brought out the worse in people.
Good news: I finally bought a bed. Yeah! I’m like a real person now. Sleeping up in the air, 50cms off the cold floor. Not having to lie on rags like a dog. Good times.
(c) ASD and me 2020.
Am I stuck in Red tape?
I’ve been feeling more stressed than usual because the NDIA is messing me around again. A woman called to ask if I wanted my review cancelled. A review that took me months to get help for and tonnes of effort on my part, she wanted me to cancel. She said it was probably going to be rejected anyway. I really do not understand the NDIA or some of its actions.
So now, after that caller with a very strong accent I could barely understand, I have no idea what is happening and I’m extremely stressed and confused. And also, I will probably be forced to wait until August for my review. This phone call was back in January, so they want me to wait over 6 more months to get an answer to if they will actually give me assistance with my disabilities. So the 2 previous years weren’t enough of my life wasted, I have to wait longer for them to decide if I qualify for the help I actually need and asked for or to be grateful with the crumbs they have already thrown at me.
I am baffled by this behavior.
Is this what they call help? Making claims of giving me assistance, getting my hopes up, then smashing them to tiny pieces, then smashing them again and again to the point where I want to tell them to shove it.
If their goal was make me feel worse or extremely stressed, so much so I had a huge panic attack yesterday that has made me feel so useless all I could do was cry on my bed?
Goal accomplished.
The call was actually weeks ago, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel so hopeless and low, I barely feel like writing or doing anything but watch tv and sleeping.
(c) ASD and me 2020.
Contact made
I called my LAC again today Thursday and finally she answered. I’ve been trying to contact her since the 28th of August and today at 3pm she answered. Open the champagne!
She gave the excuse of I’m so busy. Non stop.
So she didn’t even have time to take a few seconds to acknowledge my call or SMS? I need to go into her office tomorrow at 10am. If she’s not there, I’m calling the NDIS to make a formal complaint and fucking have them fired again and demand that I’m moved to a different company.
I’m allowing my anxiety speak to me I know, but its been over 2 weeks trying to contact her.
I really want to know if anyone else is getting messed around? Are they having as shitty time as I am?
I really don’t know what to do. I’m stuck. I’m so angry that I don’t even want to go see her because I know I’ll cry or get angry. I really want to say: WTF are you doing?
Do you know what a phone is?
I’m sorry if my disability is causing you employment!
I’m sorry my cries for help are making you do the job your being paid for.
Maybe I should put these on a t shirt.
©ASD plus me 2019.
Adrift on a sea of confusion
So far, I’m not impressed and I’m very disappointed with the NDIS. I thought I would have a schedule or timetable already organised for me so I wouldn’t have to run around and do everything myself as always. I was getting excited about having things planned for me. Were my dreams finally coming true? Was I actually going to get the help I desperately needed and wanted?
No. All I have are some A4 sheets of paper with a lot if numbers and words.
It hasn’t helped me. In fact, its made me more stressed. I saw my psychologist yesterday and she doesn’t know what to do either, said I should call the agency for help. She didn’t even know if her payment is covered by the NDIS or if I need to get another Mental Health Plan.
Honestly, if I could find a job or clean my house or do any normal thing by myself, why the hell would I ask for help? I hate asking for help, especially strangers and double especially on the phone.
I’m even more stressed now and crying as I type, because, I have “money” allocated to me, but have no idea what to do with it. And I’m afraid if I don’t use it, then it will be taken away and I’ll be worse off than before.
I called one number to ask for help, and now I’m done. My energy is gone and I want to just go back to bed, but I can’t because my house is a mess. I’m still on antibiotics and feel like shit. Everything hurts, everything is a huge effort.
I feel like I should go live in a cave sometimes. Or a cabin in the woods like Walden. if only…
I thought having government assistance would help me. Maybe in the future things will be better, more organised, less stressful and I’ll look back on this and laugh about my crazy time when I had debilitating mental illness. But for now, I’m lost in a turbulent ocean with no life raft.
(c) ASD and me 2019.
Trying to get by but sick again.
My letter from the NDIS came on Friday, so I can let my letterbox go back to growing spider webs now. I called this morning and have an appointment for 3pm today. I’m curious to see what they have set up for me. Or maybe I need to tell them what I want, I don’t know, I’ll just wait and see.
I also have been Ill so had to visit the doctor again. I have an ear infection, again, so I need antibiotics, again. I went to a pharmacy called Blooms. I don’t like them, I think their prices are expensive, but I didn’t have time or the energy to take a long train trip to get to a cheaper pharmacy.
Normally, I find loud music and radio shops play very annoying, but this day, I thought it could have been dangerous. I have allergies, so the pharmacist have to ask me about them, which is a good thing, I want them to ask me about my allergies. But what I don’t want, is to be deafened by loud music or radio while trying to ask if maybe this medicine could possibly kill me.
I say this a lot, but how is this a thing that happens? I get shops playing music. If you by vitamins, you probably won’t die if you eat too much kale powder, but if you can’t hear your pharmacist tell you not to take this medicine with kale powder, or not to use heavy machinery, or other helpful things, and I can’t hear the, whose fault it that?
Some could argue that I should just “go somewhere else”, but no, that’s exclusion bullying. I need medicine, the pharmacy has been given a license by the Australian Government, so legally, I can use any pharmacy and they can’t discriminate against me.
Don’t they have a legal obligation to make sure their client knows how to take the medicine they have been issued correctly, and also warn of any side effects?
I’m truly stuck. I don’t want to purchase from Blooms, but its easier than going to the main street and fighting for parking, or climbing mountains just to get to a shop to save a few dollars. If they turned the radio and music off completely, I wouldn’t mind going in as much, but after last time, I’m not impressed.
(I just remembered that at some train stations they plain classical music to scare people away, especially teens. Is this what shops are doing?)
Leave a comment if you have had the same situation and tell me who you think the music is for? The clients (hint: its not) or the staff?
© ASD and me 2019
I’m a customer, not a criminal, so don’t treat me like one.
I went to a Big W yesterday. It used to have good quality clothing, but in the last few years, I’ve noticed a change to more cheap, low quality clothing, a lot more of polyester and crap I can’t wear. For over 20 years, I have shopped and chosen Big W over other brands and have been a loyal patron.
But this will change after yesterday.
I wanted to find a lamp. I hate the ones at the local Target, so I waited a week to visit Big W so I could go while visiting my parents. I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find any. And while I was searching, I noticed how messy and untidy the shop was.
I think they have forgotten they were a department store, not a Rave, and loud music was blasting through the overhead speakers. This started my Tinnitus and I decided to leave. I had wasted about 20 minutes and that was enough, so walked towards the exit.
Now, on my arrival, I had noticed the security guard and had hesitated for a second to enter, but then I saw an immigrant woman with a handbag twice the size of mine walk past unharassed, so I thought it would be safe to enter. Gee, was I fucking wrong.
I had my finger over my ear to try and block the noise and walked out of the exit. The “security guard” said I need to check your bag. I said “no this is a hand bag you’re not allowed to check this”. He replied rather arrogantly “yes if its over30 cms I can”. My bag is smaller than that, so I knew this was him trying to bully or intimidate me, but I said okay and opened the zipper, pulled out a zip lock bag with pads in it and said “here look at my pads you fucking pervert!”
I was so fucking furious!
This is actually against the law. It DOES NOT apply to personal handbags. I also think I was discriminated against because of my skin colour. Normally I wouldn’t think this, but since he didn’t check the migrant woman’s bag, I am now.
I have so much more to say on this subject, but its making me angry and sad to keep thinking about it, so I’ll end by saying this bag search thing is harmful to business and extremely hurtful to innocent people. If this is the future of customer service, I’ll stay home and buy online.
(c) ASD and me 2019.
My Autism is not going to be cured so stop asking me to prove it exists!
I have been trying to sign up to an online course and it is, of course, difficult and frustrating.
I already sent my paper work in last year, and was approved and have been enrolled, but then I wanted to transfer. And get help from a Councillor.
You would think that being disabled, they would make it easy for me to enroll.
But no.
When I call, its the stupid automated dialing system where you need to choose options and “Press 1”.
The first time I called, it didn’t work and there was no hold music, so I hung up and tried again. Then I was finally able to get through to a human, they needed to transfer me and force me to wait 3 minutes for someone on the other end.
This new person, although polite, told me that I needed to fill out more forms to PROOVE my disability status.
I really wanted to scream!
So to this company, and everyone else, listen up:
1. There is no cure for autism!
2. There never will be.
3. There doesn’t need to be a cure; there is NOTHING wrong with us!
4. I really do not want to talk about my Autism, especially to some random person on the phone.
5. Stop asking me to prove that I have it EVERY SINGLE TIME I want to study!
6. Just tick the fucking box, so I can get on with my life and stop discussing my very private health issues with strangers over the phone.
I’m going to say this again: THERE IS NO CURE FOR AUTISM!
Do not believe what some crazy trouble making bitch said on her blog, she did not cure her son’s Autism. The best you can do is get an allergy test for your child, or yourself and adjust your diet.
I am so fed up and exhausted by this shit. I just wanted to learn something to help me start a small business so I can work from home and not have to go through the agony and bullshit that are modern job interviews.
That may be my next post.
(c) ASD and me 2019.
ASD and me 
You must be logged in to post a comment.