Frustrated Aspie · Thoughts

Am I making progress?

I hadn’t been to see my psychologist for almost 2 months this past Monday. My last appointment was moved because I had the allergy test and I wasn’t sure how long that would take.

This appointment was okay. I had forgotten my list of things to talk about, but it didn’t matter because she asked me questions and there weren’t any awkward silences like I usually have.

I told her what happened with the LAC and she said that it wasn’t good. Then she offered to call another company for me and made an appointment. Why couldn’t the LAC do that for me?

It wasn’t stressful, she asked me for a time and I said 12.30, then asked my phone number and I remembered it.

That’s what I wanted. I was so grateful and said thank you many times.

The last few appointments I saw the psychologist, I was thinking “whats the point?” because it seemed that talking about what seems like the same problems isn’t helping me. I’m tired of talk, I really need actions now.

I also think the house next door is being sold, so I’m anxious about who will move in there. Really hoping its good quiet people. I don’t want anymore trouble or abuse or drug dealers.

©ASD and me 2019.

slow-progress-is-still-progress

 

Thoughts

Why am I depressed?

I watched an amazing TED talk yesterday by Johann Hari. He’s a writer, author and researcher and has published books on anxiety and depression.

It made me think about all the things that I’m depressed about in my life:

1. I had a huge argument with my LAC on the phone on Monday. We disagree about what her job role is and I had a panic attack, then she stared being rude to me and I was rude back. I said I will report her to the NDIA and she replied “please do” in a shitty attitude. I have never had a person, who was meant to have my best interest at heart, be so rude and have an awful attitude. She even yelled at me, so I hung up and cried.

Now I don’t know what to do. I asked the NDIA before if I could change to a different LAC and the man said he made an appointment for me, but nothing happened.

So now I’m super stressed because I really need a support partner and I have no idea what to do and no one to help me.

So I’m stuck again. Just makes me think, I went through year of stress and waiting and paper work for this?

2. My location. I hate where I live. If if it didn’t have shitty noisy idiots or drug dealers or people who neglect their dogs and let them bark all day, it would would be a nice quiet place. But sadly it does.

I keep looking for land and houses further out, so maybe I’ll strike gold and find somewhere nice. On flat ground with decent neighbours. Or no close neighbours would be good.

3. Health issues. I need to see a podiatrist to get my feet checked. Some times the arches ache so much that I can’t walk , which really sucks because I like walking and I need the exercise. I can’t go to a gym because they are ridiculously expensive are so noisy with that deafening music and the people all prancing around showing off their pecs and super tight stretchy clothing covered in sweat. (gross).

I’m sure there are a lot more reasons but these 3 are top of the list right now.

ASD and me 2019.

Johann Hari

 

Thoughts

I found a hidden stash of pants

I thought I was done with the Kon – Mari’ing and the decluttering. I have been fussy about bringing new clothing into the house and have even given away things I thought I would keep, like an expensive dark green coat. I wore it a few times to check and see if it liked it; but I didn’t. It was long and a bit bulky and tight at the armpits if I wore a jumper underneath.

I bought new cotton pants for summer and spent $60 at Millers. I was excited because I found new colours that the previous line didn’t have. So I decided to go through my clothing again and cull the pants and things I didn’t need.

I had doubles and even triples of dark blue and black. I had a light tan that I don’t like, 2 different olives and a light lime green which I culled.

I know Aspies can have a habit of collecting, but I didn’t realise I do that until I saw all my extra pants.

Things I found:

New flat front cotton pants:

Black

Dark blue

pale grey

light blue

light tan

Olive green

White (which I plan to dye a dark plum wine colour. I might buy more of these to dye if the first one works out).

Tie string front cotton pants:

Brown

Black x3

pale green

Dark blue x 3

Linen pants from Aldi:

Dark blue

Polyester pants (that I keep only in case I work in an office again):

Dark blue slacks with beading

dark blue slacks with crystals

dark brown slacks from Katies

Also tracksuit pants:

Dark grey

light grey

Black

dark green

maroon

2 cotton scarves which I bought 3 of because they were on sale for $2 and I had never seen a cotton only scarf before. I need cotton because other material makes me irritated and sweaty. I can’t even wear my good alpaca scarf and beanies for too long. I also found some itchy wool thermal underwear I wore once but never will again, so they were culled.

I’m glad I gave these away. These extra clothing have been a bit of a burden, moving such large heavy bags. I only bought so many pairs because normally when I like clothing, then I go back to buy more, its sold out or discontinued. But the cotton pants have been out for many years now, so I don’t think Millers will stop selling them.

I’m afraid to look in other places for hidden clothing now. I just remembered I still need to check my suitcase.

©ASD and me 2019

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Thoughts

Art can help with anxiety.

I feel like I’ve been complaining a lot lately and I don’t want to punish my readers by taking my anger and frustration out on them, so I want to share this website I found.

It has amazing detailed drawings that the artist uses to help get through their anxiety.

https://www.atramentstudios.com/home

I used to draw things to help explain what I was thinking and feeling, but stopped. I have been doodling a bit, but I want to get back into it. Anxiety disorder is awful but I’m glad other people are exploring ways to manage and possibly cure their extreme anxiety disorders.

I wanted to display some of my drawings, but I don’t own a scanner. I don’t want to buy one just to scan a few pictures so if I remember, I’ll try to visit the library to use theirs.

ASD and me 2019.

look-at-van-go

Uncategorized

My overwhelmed brain

Adventures & Aspierations

This week has been a tough one for me. Actually it all started accumulating a couple of weeks ago when I really started struggling at work – it was all suddenly getting very overwhelming as I was forced to do things I hadn’t done before, work with people I hadn’t worked with before, and a certain situation just pushed me over the edge. One aspect of my Asperger’s is that I really struggle learning to do things with my hands or use any kind of tools, and it is almost impossible for me to repeat a motor task someone shows me. I actually recently learned that I almost 100% have dyspraxia, which is a developmental co-ordination disorder that affects co-ordination, spatial awareness and sensory perception, and it is closely related to my ASD diagnosis, meaning my brain just isn’t wired like the ‘normal’, neurotypical brain. I was told that since…

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Uncategorized

How “The Golden Rule” Harms Autistic People

You read my mind with this post. The worst part is, when I try to walk away, sometimes people follow me.

Autistic Science Person

[This post was originally posted at The Aspergian. For new posts from me, head to my author profile on The Aspergian.]

Miscommunication and misinterpretation of autistic people happens very early in life.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Or in modern language, “Treat other people as you would like to be treated.”

Everyone knows about The Golden Rule. Most people learn about it from a young age, either in school, or in church, or from their parents. But this rule is part of the reason why unintentional harm of autistic people starts so early in life and is so pervasive in our society.

When I’m having a shutdown, I’d prefer non-autistics to:

  1. not look me directly in the eyes
  2. not ask me what is wrong
  3. not expect me to answer them
  4. not tell me they know how I am feeling
  5. not hug me (hugging…

View original post 988 more words

Thoughts

More reasons not to take drugs

I just found out that Jordan Peterson has gone to rehab to help with withdraw symptoms after he stopped taking anti anxiety medicine. I’ve never met Jordan Peterson in real life, but I wanted to after seeing his interviews and buying his book. I really hope he recovers.

I’ve been called paranoid in the past and I’ve even felt it, but I feel now that my feeling were right. Mind altering drugs, whether legal or illegal, or dangerous. I’ve always been afraid of them, and now, I have even more reason to run away from them.

I’m even afraid of taking medical marijuana, since I’ve heard it can bring out schizophrenia. Its in my family, and I have Autism, so who knows what else is hidden in there?

I took an antidepressant once, half a pill, and it made my head feel like I had a hangover. And that was half a pill. I threw them out and haven’t taken any since and never will again.

Don’t let anyone pressure you into taking medicine or dugs you don’t want.

Don’t let doctors or anyone else pressure you either. You have the right to say no or you want to do some research first before taking any drug.

If you are afraid of what effect drugs will have on you, like I am, try a book called Feeling good by David Burns. Also try CBT which is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I’ve tried it and it makes you keep a diary of thoughts so you can keep track of your bad habits and patterns. All drug free.

ASD and me 2019.

try-penicillin_o_61456

Thoughts

I don’t like antibiotics now

I saw another doctor on Monday, she said that hearing lose left untreated can lead to Dementia. So great, another thing to worry about. I think I’ll make her my main doctor from now on. I’ll call and make appointments with her since she was nice and I could understand her and she didn’t have a strong accent.

I’m also NEVER taking antibiotics again! I had Amoxicillin for what I thought was another ear infection, then another doctor said that’s the wrong one, but I Internet searched it and its for lots of things.

He gave me Metronide. That made me feel dizzy, sick, weak, hot like I had a fever but I didn’t have a fever and other side effects. Turns out, not an ear infection, just a “sore throat which is nothing and will go away on it own.” I feel I’ve had this sore throat for almost 2 years now.

I’m going for an allergy test today which will cost $290. We had to take the money from our mortgage account to pay for it. We’ve never done that before, but I feel I really need it. After this, no more doctors. I’m so sick of seeing doctors and wasting money, and taking pills and side effects and just feeling shitty. I want to work and sell paintings and travel and other things, not be stuck at home watching YouTube and doing endless online courses.

I had to change my appointment with the psychologist till the end of October so I could see the allergy doctor. I’m so glad that the NDIS will pay for her appointments.

I’m so tired of feeling bad. When did this start? I can’t even remember a time when I was well. I don’t care what I’m allergic to, I will live on baby food for the rest of my life if it makes me feel well and I can function normally.

© ASD and me 2019

when-youre-an-antibiotic-resistant-bacteria-and-you-hear-people-dont-12343822

Thoughts

Allergy test results.

So I had my allergy test done on Wednesday. I arrived at the hospital at before 11 because I thought my appointment was at 11, but it was at 11.30 am.

I was at the hospital from 11 am till 2.30pm.

Apparently I have NOTHING wrong with me. No allergies. Doctor stuck me ten times with a metal thing and it nicks the skin a tiny bit to let the allergens in. Its called a scratch test, but its more like stabbing you a tiny bit test.

He put drops of allergens on my arms, I waited in the room, then he looked, nothing. I had to drive home to get some cat hair, waited because he was seeing another patient.  He put the cat hair on my arms with saline, then waited. Looked again, nothing. Gave me 2 teaspoon packets of white sugar to eat (which is nasty tasting), then waited 15 minutes, nothing again. Then he gave me dark chocolate, Old Gold which had peanuts. And the results were…

NOTHING! WTF body??

So now I’m done!

Done with doctors, done with wasting money on silly tests that don’t show anything. Done with wasting time at hospitals and medical centres and noisy waiting rooms and dangerous antibiotics with their unwelcome side effects.

I’ll just try to focus to eating small meals everyday of rice, maybe salmon and walk when I’m not exhausted and the street is quiet. And continue looking for a new place to live.

©ASD and me 2019

Thoughts

Doctors again

(This was written 2 weeks ago)

Friday evening, my jaw started hurting and my tinnitus became worse. So bad I could hear loud pulsing noises. It worried me and make me cry for ages. It was very hard to hear the Tv and I raised the volume, but then it was too loud, so I lowered the volume. It wasn’t as loud on Saturday or Sunday, but my gum still hurt, so I went to the medical centre.

We arrived before it opened so waited at the back parking lot. The weather here is unpredictable, so again, I didn’t dress in a million layers so was cold. I think I was confused because the sun was out.

When I waited in line, some brat pushed in front of me and stepped on my foot. I said watch out, but the brat ignore me.

Bf and I sat way from them. We waited about 45 minutes and the whole time the brat was undisciplined. He keep walking around, then moved chairs, then sat on the floor, he kept sneezing, grabbing tissues after he had opened his mouth wide and spread his germs on everyone. He also went behind the reception desk to look at the water cooler, took a paper cup, then I think hew was pretending to drink? I have no idea. I was hoping the staff would tell him to get the hell out from the behind the desk and sit down. But they didn’t.

Also, when the doctor called out a name, the boy and his dad stood up and went in. shortly after, they came out and sat down, the doctor called the name again and it was my name. I stood and said that’s me then walked past the bratty boy into he doctors office.

Monday saw a doctor who said I had the wrong antibiotics for my ear problem and gum problems, so gave me different ones. That’s two lots of antibiotics this year. I stopped taking them, so I’m done, no more. Once a year is bad enough, but within weeks of eachother?

Then I had an appointment with a dentist, who took x rays and said I might have gingivitis and had to clean my tooth near the red swollen gum. It wasn’t as expensive and I thought it would be, so that’s great. Bf and I are now saving so we can get our teeth cleaned. I’ve been wanting to do it for many years, but other expenses pop up, but I think now, I really need it if bad teeth and gums are causing my tinnitus. Even if its not, I still need to look after my teeth.

Before we moved here, I rarely ate junk and we lived across the road from a shopping centre, and fast food all around. But since living here, I don’t know why, but my diet and heath has started going down hill. I’m not eating anymore chocolate or chips or junk. Its clear these thing are bad for my body.

©ASD and me 2019.