Thoughts

Happy new year

Its almost the new year and I normally make resolutions like, I’m not going to eat chocolate again or I’m going to walk everyday, but I never keep them. I’m filled with zeal and sugar from all the junk I ate over Christmas and my brain is on a high.

So when I come down, normally in February around my birthday and realise I’m a year older, I come back to reality and realise that, I like good quality, mostly plain chocolate and I’m not really worried about my weight. I’m more worried about my teeth being healthy or my gut not hurting, or the arches in my feet not aching.

I still don’t know how to feel about having ASD, so I’m neutral and just trying to live like I did before I knew. That’s my intention, but it doesn’t work out that way mostly.

I do want to meet other people with ASD, especially women who were diagnosed later, like 40, but, I’m not sure what to expect. I don’t expect anyone to become my friend just because we were born with the same disability. I also don’t want anyone to expect anything from me. So conflicted.

I really want to meet new people, but I don’t want any expectations on either side and offences taken or feelings hurt. Meeting new people can be like a battle field sometimes.

Less than 10 people in the world know I have ASD, so I’m conflicted over if I should tell people. I think on one hand, it might be nice and less stressful to be “out” and free, but on the other hand, I’m scared that people will use that very personal information against me and say stupid shit.

But I don’t need to worry about that now.

Happy new year everyone.

© ASD and me 2019

cant-wait-new-years-eve-meme

Thoughts

Remember the 90s and 2019

I can’t believe its almost 2020. When I first realised it, I was excited because I thought we were almost near one of my favourite song 2525, but then realised no wait, wrong century.

But here are some things I want to remember from 90s when I had my extremely confusing and depressing high school and early twenties.

Martin Molloy was a radio show based in Melbourne in Victoria. It was written, acted and hosted by Tony Martin and Mick Molloy. They are both comedians and I listened to their show everyday it aired. When I attended college, I asked my mum to record the show for me from the radio, so I ended up with lots of cassettes of the show.

The 90s were different to the 80s they were shiny and bright, but 90s were grungey and angsty and singers seemed angry.

I loved a bunch of different genres, some only one song, some albums.

I loved shows like Beavis and Butt head, Ren and Stimpy.

I could write all day about songs and shows I loved growing up in the 90’s, but I need to prepare for the new decade. At least this time we don’t need to worry about Y2K.

Remember that? My Mum made me buy a bunch of candles incase the lights went out. What did you do for Y2K?

There were also movies about preparing for Y2K, like Office Space.

And there will always be a special place in the cheese factory of my heart for 1999 by Prince.

© ASD and me 2019.Meme prince 1999

Bush fires · Thoughts

I saw the flames near my house

About a week ago near 7.30 pm, I looked out the back window and saw red on the hill. Then I saw a bunch of smoke. I yelled to my bf to come look at the fires on the hill.

He looked on his phone and had received a warning from the RFS about an ash attack for our suburb.

We went outside to try and photograph the fire but my phone camera is crappy old so it was just blurry.

I walked across the road and called out to a neighbour and told her about the fire. Then the wind changed direction and started coming over here and the fire was hidden in smoke and the mountain had disappeared. We could only see 2 house up the street before the smoke covered them.

The smoke has been around for so long that some people are, I guess, used to it and it doesn’t affect them. Either that or they think they are invincible and don’t think it will hurt them. They walk around in it and on Christmas night, the dead shits up the road were blasting extremely loud music from their car and we could hear it in our house for over an hour. The house is about 8 houses away, so its not close.

I’m confused as to why other people aren’t hiding in their houses, hoarding carton milk, large water containers, and tins of shredded chicken. I guess they have no health issues from the smoke, like a full, blocked nose that no amount of blowing can empty. My nose has been painful and had a burning feeling inside for weeks now. It normally only happened in the past if I walked past cigarette smoke, but lately it has been everyday.

We also painted a room of the house, so those fumes would have added to it.

I have tried different types of nasal sprays, but only ones with saline and eucalyptus oil because I’m afraid of the chemicals in the ones that make me drowsy. I really want to be able to drive, but I can’t if I’m drowsy and drugged.

Just another set of problems that I wasn’t aware would happen and had no plan for, so more shit I’m forced to deal with.

© ASD and me 2019.

Bush fires · Thoughts

An angry post

I heard yesterday that the current PM Scott Morrison (who I did not vote for) decided to sneak away and go for a holiday in Hawaii. Never mind that my country is burning and many people and wild animals have already died and we’re having the hottest temperatures in recorded history. No, you go and pretend your Elvis or something.

Then today, I read that 2 volunteer Fire Fighters have died and 3 have been injured when their fire truck was hit by a tree and rolled off the road.

I’ve never liked politics and the only reason why I vote is because I’ll get a fine if I don’t. It doesn’t matter who I vote for anyway, because the party gets to pick the PM, so I feel like it’s a waste of time. Instead of standing in line for hours, we could all be doing better things.

I can’t describe how I’m feeling. Its part anger, part disgust, part disbelief, and many other indescribable emotions at Scott Morrison’s selfish and inconsiderate behaviour. He is the Prime Minister of this country and is meant to, at least act, like he gives a shit about the people of this country and the people who voted for him. They put their trust in him thinking he would be the best person for the job, who would protect the country and lead us into a decent, safe, future. Not slink away to Hawaii, lie about it, then only confirm when he’s been caught.

Good leaders stay and fight, not run and hide, to leave the subordinates to fight and be hurt and killed, or place budgetary restrictions on the people who have little political power but are doing all the work and are in all the danger.

I’m not expecting him to hold a hose and fight the fire, but he could stay and help those who are.

Maybe the RFS should start their own political party. Then I might actually want to vote and not feel like it was a waste of time.

ASD and me 2019.

Scotty don't!
I couldn’t find a Scumbag PM meme.
Bush fires · Thoughts

More smoke and stress

I can’t stand this stupid smoke. I’m getting more and more stressed. This past week I’ve been up and down the stress level ladder so many times I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I’ve been looking for ways to distract myself from the smoke and I can’t really go outside.

Friday 13th December

I scrubbed the oven and removed a lot of strange brown stains and large piles of gunk. I also took the back off and scrubbed that till my hands were red and my shoulder hurt. I cleaned the counter top and was exhausted after that.

Saturday

I found hidden piles of paper and sorted them and threw some out. I gave some to bf to sort, old bills from 2014, I don’t know how we still had those, we went through everything before we moved here.

Now I still have piles of stuff, that turned into 1 large pile again for when the cleaner came.

I also found old song lyrics I wrote when was in high school, then in college at 19. I studied radio broadcasting then music for 6 months. Then after numerous failures, I gave up my dreams for a “real” job in retail or an office.

I found old novels that I wasted 10 years trying to get published, then gave up and stored my dreams away.

I still have piles of self help books I want to go through, its just trying to find the energy in this heat and smoke. We’ve almost ran out of food to cook, but am avoiding going outside. We’ll need to go out soon, I can see the dust on my kitchen shelves.

I watched the Elf movie on Netflix because the Internet was working normally. We’ve had some issues because Internet and bushfires don’t mix.

Sunday

I’ve been stressing so much abut the fire and the useless community visitor that I gave myself heart burn. I had forgotten what lava felt like.

I tried to remove dye from clothing using vinegar and bicarb. I forgot to plug the bath and all the vinegar ran out. I didn’t find this out until hours later.

I tried to bleach the clothing , but the smell burned my nostrils and filled my house. I had to open a window and the smoke took no time to enter. I guess I found something worse than the smell of smoke and destruction.

Monday

When I woke up, the sky was clear. Hooray! I was so happy I celebrated by opening 2 windows. (Whoa, calm down there, don’t get to excited). I was so giddy, I did some washing and bf hung it out.

After lunch, I was looking at the clear sky out the back window, celebrating having a clear lungs and being able to breathe, when I looked to the left and saw a small amount of smoke coming from the left over other mountains. I had been fooled by the blue sky into thinking it would be safe to clean the oven, but when I saw the new smoke, I was sad again. Also exhausted because the oven was in bits and covered in cleaner, which stank, so I couldn’t close the window until everything was cleaned. It took me over an hour to clean everything, then rinse, then I just put the parts back in the oven wet then closed the window.

I was so tired and done with cleaning the house, I sat on the floor and watched tv. After we quickly drove to Hungry Jacks yesterday for dinner and they forgot to put chicken nuggets in the bag, then came home and had minimal time outside walking from the car to the front door, but the smoke still invaded my senses and followed us into the house while the door was opened.

Tuesday

Smoke still covers out yard and we can’t see more than 2 houses down.

I’m running out of things to clean. I’ve already cleaned out the fridge, oven, counter tops, bathroom, vacuumed and picked up the kitchen floor rug and the loungeroom floor rug. Am running out of things to clean to distract me from the smoke.

Hopefully the wind will change again, then we will get some fresh air, then can go shopping.

Wednesday till Friday December 20th

Still the same. The winds blows and smoke moves slightly, but its still here. We still have 2 and a half months left of summer, so I guess we have to get used to it.

ASD and me 2019

CREATOR: gd-jpeg v1.0 (using IJG JPEG v80), quality = 100

 

Thoughts

1 year anniversary

Wow. Its hard for me to believe that I’ve been writing on this blog continuously for a year. I started this blog last year because I was getting a diagnosis of ASD and was very confused and scared. I had too many questions, like was my whole life about to change? Was my life a lie? Who am I now? Who was I? What do I want to be now?

Many times I have struggled to get words down. I have fumbled more times than I can remember, but I kept going, in hopes somehow this blog would help me. And has it? I’m not sure, but I like writing out my feelings, even if no one else ever reads them, at least I have a record of my thoughts.

I’ve had many blogs in the past. The first blog I started was around 2010 on Blogger but I didn’t use it much. Then I found WordPress and everything changed. I learned how to upload, to add photos and memes, to make my own inspiration quotes and just to express myself.

I know I’m not the best writer, but I’m slowly learning.

I hope to publish a book one day, but I’m not good at fiction writing and all I do is struggle. Despite all the writing books I’ve read, its still very difficult. I plan to keep writing and uploading, at least once a week. Writing helps my memory, so I want to keep doing it.

I was hoping that I would make some friends, but now I have no expectations, since I haven’t told anyone in the real world about my blog and I don’t plan to.

I hope things change in the future and my health improves, all the bushfires are extinguished, snow returns and I really want to move to a different area, away from this mountain. I would like to meet new people and make friends, but I’m not holding my breath. I’m learning to do things on my own and not rely on other people, so hopefully that will continue.

I’m still not sure how I feel about having ASD, but its in me and now I have to deal with it. Maybe it won’t be too bad once I get more help and find a better place to live.

©ASD and me 2019.

Were-celebrating-our-zu57ds

 

Bush fires · Thoughts

The smoke is an intruder…

Woke up this morning and bf told me to look out the back windows. The smoke had come up the side of the mountain and swallowed everything. It was in our backyard and our kitchen was hazy. The smoke burned my nose more and felt like my nostrils were full and harder to blow.

Even with smoke everywhere, some people still act like nothing is happening, even though there’s a fire at the next train station. I heard a loud noise out the front, so I looked. There was a man on the roof cleaning and preparing to paint. I think a local man started a roof painting business since I’ve seen some houses with his sign on the fence.

I guess he has to work and he has booked jobs, but surely smoke being everywhere would be a good reason to cancel?

I keep thinking about the worse things that could happen. I keep crying and trying to distract myself by watching YouTube, but it only helps for a little while. Then I need to breathe and am reminded.

I feel so trapped. The major highway has been closed, so that means we can’t leave and drive to Sydney. I don’t trust the train because that will stop too and we’ve been on a train where we had to wait almost an hour and people were arguing and I thought there would be violence.

I feel more helpless and useless than ever. My eyes hurt from the smoke as well. We blocked up windows with sticky tape and put towels under doors to try and stop the smoke coming in and also turn on the air con to get some fresh air. I haven’t left the house for 2 days because of the smoke and I didn’t go to my art group today because I was afraid of driving and choking. I’m going to watch tv and read to try and take my mind off everything.

I really hope the RFS can stop the fires or control them enough so it doesn’t come to my house. I hate living here now. No view is worth this much stress, anxiety and health issues.

©ASD and me 2019.