I’ve been very confused lately. Just wondering around, like a zombie, not eating much, not saying much. Crying a lot.
Now that its official, I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I thought having a diagnosis would make me feel better, but I feel worse. I also have no emotions. I’m just running on auto pilot and I’ve begun to hate my life. I can’t seem to find anything good to cling to. I just feel lost and am struggling with everything. I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing and sleep then wake up and be happy and normal.
The ASD test said that I wasn’t depressed, but its wrong. I think I’m beyond depression. I’ve left depression island and am now floating down “Where the fuck am I going?” river.
I need to move, I need more money, I need to have an MRI, I need lots of things. But I’m so mentally exhausted, I can’t do these things. I don’t have the energy, so I guess the rest of my life will be wasted at home, in a house I hate, in a shitty neighbourhood I can’t afford to leave and just rot to death in a private hell I can’t escape from.
(c) ASD and me 2019
I called the NDIS yesterday to ask to reapply. The women I spoke to was was nice, but I was anxious on the phone again and made mistakes.
I really hope this is worth it. It doesn’t matter how many phone calls I make, I still don’t like talking on the phone to strangers. It affects my life and prevents me from calling employers.
I hope I can change and become more confident in the future. Enough so I don’t cry a river every time I make a phone call to a person I don’t know.
I’ve wanted to read this book for a few years, so I asked my bf to buy it for my recent birthday.
This book is about Don Tillman, the main character who I think is meant to have ASD traits, but I’ve only read a few chapters so far so I’m not sure. I don’t want spoilers, so I’m not doing any research.
Its written in the first person narrative of the main character, similar to The curious incident of the dog in the night time.
I’ve only read a few chapters, but I want to keep reading and not put the book down.
I’ve found some of the characters thoughts are similar to my own and I like that so far.
Bf also bought me the second and third books, so I’ve stopped reading my other books and plan to finish these ones.
I’m glad publishers are starting to publish new types of books that aren’t the standard “biscuit cutter” characters. One one hand, it makes me think I could be published, but on the other, it reminds me of the 10 plus years I wasted trying to be published. I don’t know if I want to go through that again, since I’m a lot older and the repeated rejections contributed to my depression. I think I’ll just stick to this blog for now and write about my thoughts.
(c) ASD and me 2019.
What a day. What a week. Waiting for the testing results and waiting for the psychologist to call. She finally did after I called the second time and the receptionist could tell I was crying. I tried not to, I was very anxious to end the call, but didn’t want to be rude.
The psychologist called me back and explained it was a misunderstanding and said it was okay. I was just glad she had called me.
I’ve been going back and forth for months now, but its finally official. The results came in a long 5 page document.
I have ASD. Level 2 with severe anxiety.
I don’t know if its good or bad yet.
I really don’t know how to feel. When the psychologist called this morning, I cried during the call, after the call, then cried in the shower.
Am I the same person or am I different? I’ve been like this my whole life. Will this change who I am? or will I be the same?
Too may questions buzzing around my head. I thought the diagnosis would be a relief, to finally know after all this time; but It wasn’t.
It just created more bees.
Maybe in a few days, weeks, months, I’ll be okay with it, but for now, the Schrodinger cat is out of the box and it can’t be put back in.
(c) ASD and me 2019
What is my purpose?
I wish I could see.
I’m lost in the dark
so far from a safe place.
I wish I could out run these shadows,
but they exist
in my mind.
I hate valentines day for so many reasons.
Why do we even celebrate it? Originally it was to celebrate a priest who married people even though the king had banned marriage. But now its become a Hallmark holiday and people go crazy buying junk they don’t need to throw in land fill the next day.
And almost all of the red roses that are sold, are imported from South Africa, sprayed with Round Up (a chemical used to kill grass and other things), and are sometimes sprayed with artificial scents.
My bf had been working over time to pay for our house repairs and I wanted to buy him a present to say thankyou. I don’t know what possessed me, but I knew he likes the marzipan from Aldi, so I willingly walked in. At 3 pm. I must have lost my mind because when I couldn’t find it, I drove to Coles, also know as Satan’s arse crack of supermarkets.
I ended up buying a $12 black forest gateau, then dodging all the brats and crazy people in the mad dash to grab the discounted valentines day crap, like a cheap teddy that sang Be my baby.
Trying to navigate the exit was like being in Pamplona during the running of the bulls; I had to stay at the side to prevent being trampled.
I’m back to my senses now. Cake is gone. Only crazy days left are my birthday and Easter.
(c) ASD and me 2019.
I called the ASD psychologist Tuesday, 3 days ago and left a message with her receptionist but she hasn’t called back. I really want to freak out and cry and break things, but I’m not a child anymore, am fully grown woman, so need to think of reasons why she has me waiting in the pit of hell.
1. Maybe she has been really busy with other clients and hasn’t had time.
2. Maybe she hasn’t been in the office because she’s been ill.
3. Maybe she has had family stuff to deal with.
4. Maybe she was hit by a kangaroo. (This actually happens where I live).
5. Maybe she was abducted by aliens. ( I’ve heard rumours this has happened).
6. Maybe she secretly quit and ran away laughing maniacally with my $650 payment. (ha, ha, ha, ha, stupid ding bat; I made up ASD to steal money from clients. Its a scam).
Okay, I know these aren’t true, (or I hope their not), I’m just anxious and I let it run wild with my imagination and they aren’t my friends. They are the bad kids who sit up the back and smoke and throw spit balls and flick rubber bands at the smart students in the front row.
I’ll have to call her today.
(c) ASD and me 2019.
Yesterday I saw my psychologist. She didn’t have the results from the ASD psychologist, so we talked for an hour then I came home.
Its been three weeks so I guess I need to call her. I don’t like making phone calls, but I’m getting better and I am a bit more confident (sometimes) than I used to be.
I’m only really nervous calling a stranger. Making doctors appointment are okay, but I still don’t like doing it. I have no problems calling my parents or bf.
I guess I need to just do it.
Wish me luck.
I have an appointment today at midday. I’m anxious because I’m hoping the ASD psychologist I had the testing with, that I paid $650 for, will have sent my psychologist the results.
And I was thinking I hope I passed. But then I thought, what does pass mean?
Does it mean that actually have ASD? or does it mean I don’t have ASD?
I’m okay with either answer, I just really need to know. This waiting for weeks on end is driving me crazy.
If I have ASD, do I qualify for government assistance? Can I get help with job searching? I really hate being at home mostly while bf is at work. I tried the pools, but that was a disaster. Have tried other things, but it never works out. I get cabin fever mostly, but have nowhere to go and have no friends, so I’m trapped in a dark tunnel alone and afraid.
If I don’t have ASD, then what the hell is wrong with me? I know I have anxiety disorders, and IBS, but what else? What else could be lurking in the dark cave of my mind?
I really hate this!
I need to know now!
Do I have ASD or not?
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(c) ASD and me 2019.