Thoughts

There’s a new noise in street

(This is from a few months ago. I’ve had it sitting in the Drafts folder, but didn’t want to delete it.  I’ve been ill since last Friday and haven’t felt like doing anything. I started the worst antibiotics ever on Monday, but the side effects are too bad and made me feel dizzy and drunk, so I stopped taking them).

Sunday morning about 8.30 I went outside with the cats. I wasn’t out here long, when loud music started. I don’t know what it is about amplified bass that drunks like, but they always seems to like  it.

I have spoken many time before about my hatred of this noise. When I started, I had my usual reaction of of what the fuck, this shit again? I looked around , then thought it was coming from out the front so I went out to my front lawn.

Basically, it was the man across the road. I don’t want to type too much detail, but I knocked on the door for about a minute before he answered. He turned it down a bit after I asked him, but he didn’t like that I said I can hear that across the road in my backyard. He waited till I was down the drive way then yelled  know your place. What ever that meant to his deadbeat unemployed drunk brain, I have no idea.

I yelled back know your place renter, go back to Queensland. He stood at the door for a while, then closed the door. I had a feeling he was holding back because he doesn’t want to get kicked out by the old woman hes budging off.

Its always the same reaction. People (normally drunk) act so surprised that I’m asking them to turn it down. Like what, you don’t want to hear my music from across the road? Really? You want to keep your hearing? I thought I was doing you a favour by sharing my noise and deafening you.

I wish there was a way I could explain to them and make them see their behaviour.

©ASD and me 2019.

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Frustrated Aspie · Thoughts · Uncategorized

Stop using Autism as an insult!

Wow, he’s such a herpes head!

She’s such a quadriplegic!

You’re such a heat rash!

My legs hurt today, I need a wheelchair!

You’re such a Lyme head!

I forgot my books, I’m so autistic today!

(And my favourite)

Isn’t everyone just a bit Autistic?

Did you read the top lines? Have you ever said anything as stupid, ignorant and hurtful? No, them I’m sure you’re a good person. If you have ever said anything like this, then why?

I’ve been noticing a disturbing trend lately, mainly online. Its people making hurtful comments about Mental Illness, especially Autism. I’ve seen and heard many comments in Youtube videos and the comment section of people using Autism as an insult. It seems to be becoming the new “retard” or “spastic’. Obviously, I don’t like either of those words, but at least they don’t shine a spotlight on a specific illness.

Why is mental illness used like a punching bag? I don’t hear anyone making jokes about wheelchairs or people with Spina Bifida. No one would say “I wish I had a Chari 1 malformation” or “I wish I had Rickets so I could use a walking stick”.

These insults are very harmful and hurtful to people who actually have these illnesses. If you have these illnesses yourself or know someone who does, stand up for them. Tell the bully that bullying is not acceptable so they need to find other more appropriate words to express themselves. Maybe you need to buy these people a Dictionary and a Thesaurus to help them learn new words.

Mental Illness or any illness are not your punch line, so stop using them as one.

©ASD plus me 2019. meme sarcasm

Thoughts

More struggles

I saw my LAC on Friday and she gave me some numbers. I was already anxious so when I spoke to her, I cried and other staff in the office saw. She asked if I was overwhelmed and I nodded because its hard for me to make words when my brain is filled with tears.

After thinking about it, I won’t bother changing. I assume they will all be the same, so what’s the point? But I really want a new cleaning company. And to relocate.

I told the LAC that I want to quit, but she said don’t do that, I should just do one thing at a time. There’s no rush. My brain almost exploded with words I can’t say, so I nodded and left.

Then went to Aldi afterwards and forgot to get a trolley again. I’m used to Woolies, where you can just grab a trolley and don’t need to hire one.

But I’m home now and trying to rest. I might put on some birds sounds and try to have a nap, then decide what to do later.

©ASD and me 2019

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Frustrated Aspie · Struggle · Thoughts

Contact made

I called my LAC again today Thursday and finally she answered. I’ve been trying to contact her since the 28th of August and today at 3pm she answered. Open the champagne!

She gave the excuse of I’m so busy. Non stop.

So she didn’t even have time to take a few seconds to acknowledge my call or SMS? I need to go into her office tomorrow at 10am. If she’s not there, I’m calling the NDIS to make a formal complaint and fucking have them fired again and demand that I’m moved to a different company.

I’m allowing my anxiety speak to me I know, but its been over 2 weeks trying to contact her.

I really want to know if anyone else is getting messed around? Are they having as shitty time as I am?

I really don’t know what to do. I’m stuck. I’m so angry that I don’t even want to go see her because I know I’ll cry or get angry. I really want to say: WTF are you doing?

Do you know what a phone is?

I’m sorry if my disability is causing you employment!

I’m sorry my cries for help are making you do the job your being paid for.

Maybe I should put these on a t shirt.

©ASD plus me 2019.

meme busy

Thoughts

Volunteer work is hard

I saw an elderly neighbour last week and she asked me to do volunteer work at the church on Friday. I didn’t know how to say no, so I agreed.

Well today we both went in her car and it was okay. It was freezing outside. The wind was icy. Inside the storeroom was very messy. We had to move lots of boxes and bags to organise shelves and lots of groceries and toiletries for a give away they hold for people on a low income.

I moved boxes and lifted boxes till my back, arms and legs hurt. Then came home and moved a tonne of stuff on Sunday out the front of my house for the council to take away. So my back, legs and arms hurt again.

Now its Monday and I watched the council throw everything in the garbage truck and that’s one less problem. I have a million problems, but that junk in the backyard isn’t one of them anymore.

©ASD plus me ™

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Thoughts · Uncategorized

More stress, hassle and anxiety

I called my LAC (Local Area coordinator) today who was meant to be supporting me with my NDIS plan. She isn’t. So I called the NDIS to ask if I could change and I couldn’t understand some things the man on the phone said. Something like they aren’t responsible for my case because they gave it to the LAC, or something.

When he put me on hold I cried. I tried to stop. I told myself just wait until the call is finished then I can cry as much as I want to. When he came back, he said my LAC company would call me back. I really hope they do. If they don’t, I’ll call the NDIS back again tomorrow.

I can’t believe I’ve had my plan for more than a month and almost nothing has happened. I’m so tired of my time being wasted and being disappointed by people letting me down. I just want help to recover. I’m not asking for miracles, just some nice encouraging words and some helpful actions.

©ASD and me 2019™

Frustrated Aspie · Thoughts

I’m so disappointed

After the cleaning woman left on Monday, I started getting ready. It was almost 1pm when I tried to start the car. It just made gargle noises. I tried a few more times, but nothing. Bf came out to test the car and it didn’t like him either, so he had to get the battery charger from the garage.

I cried for a while because I was really looking forward to meeting some women at the group, but I missed it. It made me think, is this some sign from the universe, warning me not to go? Or is it just a flat battery. If so, how did it go flat? It worked fine yesterday. I have no idea. Thinking too much hurts my head and makes me cry more.

I looked on the NDIS website and found a 399 page PDF document with all the registered NDIS providers for NSW. At least, the title says NSW, but there are other state as well. Its difficult to read because of the tiny font.

It seems like I have hit a brick wall again. I made 2 phone calls, 1 email and 1 message, but no replies yet. Hopefully this new place I sent an email to will call within 24 hours as they claim to on their website.

Update: Its 2 days later. They haven’t. How can someone not reply to a call or message from a client when that is their job?

©ASD plus me 2019™

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Thoughts

Don’t blame me for your mistakes

The woman who runs the cleaning company called me Friday and was rude. I knew something would happen when the cleaner worked overtime, but I didn’t think the owner would be rude to me.

She had a tone in her voice, like it was my fault the cleaner stayed half an hour longer because I made her or something. Or that I was trying to get “free cleaning” or something. The cleaner should have had a timer or something.

She was hostile and angry on the phone. I can’t believe it. And she was very judgemental. She complained I had too may dishes to wash in the kitchen and why can’t my husband clean some dishes and help out? There are 2 people living there. How fucking dare she judge me and my situation. She is paid to have staff clean my house, not judge clients houses.

I’m thinking that I’ll speak to my agency and fire this rude woman. I honestly can not believe that she would try to blame me for her mistake.

I was blown away and shocked that she spoke that way to me on the phone. I should have told her off, but I was tired and wasn’t expecting to be attacked by a rude bully.

I now see why the NDIS made the rule that WE, as the client, can pick who we want as a provider.

I don’t care how well the cleaner was at her job, I’m so tired of bullies blaming me for their mistakes. If she makes a fuss and tries to bully me and not be fired, it will still happen.

I’ve never fired anyone before and I don’t like conflict, but I need to stand up for myself and not be bullied anymore. I’m not high school anymore and haven’t been for a very long time.

Its Monday and the cleaner came again and left on time. Once again, she didn’t rinse the dishes, so I will need to wash them to remove all the suds before they dry. This really just makes more work for me, when they are meant to be making less work. Don’t know if I have the energy or even the fucks to give at the moment. I feel exhausted so will just try to rest and not worry about it.

©ASD and me 2019™

 

Depression · Thoughts

Depression comes at strange times

Today I did some chores. I went to a company to ask if they can help me, nothing so far, but I’m not being messed around. I don’t want to waste anymore time, so if they can’t, I’ll say don’t worry, I’ll find someone else. I still hate making phone calls, but I still need help so am being forced to do it.

After that, I went to the Barber for a haircut. I like the woman who works there with her Father. I started thinking that she’s lucky she gets to work with her Dad. I can’t imagine working with mine, he has a mental illness as well, and living with him was never easy. It was difficult to avoid his mood swings and anger. I was always worried he’d find something to scream at me for, so I used to hide in my room most of the time to stay away from him.

I don’t know why I was thinking of these things during a hair trim, but tears filled my eyes and before I realised it I was crying. I couldn’t wipe the tears away because I was wearing the cape thing they put around your neck to keep the hair off your clothing. The tears fell down my face and saw in the mirror that my face was red. When she cut the front, I was so afraid she would see the tears and ask what was wrong. The shop was full of men waiting for their haircuts, but thankfully, she didn’t notice or say anything. If she did I was ready with an excuse of “I think I have hair in my eyes.”

I really hate having depression, anxiety disorder and social anxiety. Its already hard for me to leave the house and go out in public. I really do not want or need depression being a bully and forcing me to think about surprising things that will make me anxious, especially at times when I’m trying to appear normal and do normal things, like having a haircut.

I don’t know why I had those thoughts and cried. I just sent my dad some things from Amazon for fathers day, so I’d say out relationship is okay.

©ASD and me 2019™

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Thoughts

The cleaner came today.

I wrote this yesterday (Monday) morning.

I have the cleaner coming over at 10am. I wonder what it will be like. I’ve never had someone clean for me while I don’t clean as well, except for my mum and boyfriend.

I have a cleaner in my house as I write and its a strange feeling. I keep peeking around the corner a bit too see what she’s doing. I can hear noises of dishes touching and pans clanging. I don’t think she’s doing a bad job, I actually feel a bit sorry for her. I’m expecting her to do things I can’t and won’t want to do my self.

I felt a bit lazy and guilty when she came in. I was a bit embarrassed by the messy cluttered state of my kitchen. I’m glad she didn’t judge me, because I would have cried. I don’t want it to be this way; I hate it! I try to clean, but its never enough. I feel like I’m always cleaning but its always the same level of mess. I even did Konmarie method of decluttering and gave away a lot of things, but its still messy.

I don’t know if I should ask her if she wants a drink of water or something. Its a women in my house, who isn’t my friend, but isn’t family or a doctor. I normally don’t allow strangers into my house, but, she does have the companies name embroidered on her work shirt.

I just looked at the time. Its 12.30 and she just left. She was meant to finish at 12pm. I don’t know what will happen now. I hope the company calls me so we can discuss the overtime.

Anyway, my house is looking a lot cleaner than it has in a long time. She was a magician to be able to remove all the cat hair from the rugs. For the first time, I’m grateful that the NDIS has accepted my application and I can get help.

I called another place earlier to get Community Access, so someone can take me places and they said they can help me find a occupational therapist, so that would be great. I can’t find one on my own.

I’m going shopping now to get a few things, then I’ll come back and fold washing, then put the clean dishes away in my now clean kitchen.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Star-Trek cat
This has nothing to do with this post, I just think its funny. I’ve had it in a folder for ages and wanted to use it.