Thoughts

My MRI is tomorrow

I’m worried bout my MRI tomorrow. I made the appointment weeks ago, but now I’m kinda regretting it.

I hate this thing hanging over my head. I want it done already. I don’t want to be stuck in a tiny tube while loud noises thump around me. I saw on the show House a person having an MRI, and the noise it makes.

I really hope this is worth it.

We need to travel for 90 minutes to get to the closest medical centre that actually has an MRI machine.

I really need to move away from this dead – end town.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

ASD · Autism

Help card

I’ve been teaching myself how to use GIMP software and made my own Help card. I saw one on a blog, and thought it was a good idea, so decided to make my own.

help card 2

I also made this stamp, just in case anyone needs it:

sane

Please feel free to print these out and use as much as you need.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

ASD · Autism · Depression · Noise · Thoughts

Woken once again by noise

It’s 3 am and I’m awake. Again. Being kept awake and woken up by the barking muts next door. It truly unbelievable the shitty garbage I have to put up with from noisy idiots.

It’s really cold here, I’m shivering, but I can’t sleep. My fingers don’t work properly enough to type, but I still want to get my thoughts down.

My thought are a jumbled mess and its hard to type a coherent sentence, but I’m not giving up.  I’ve had enough of shitty behaviour from lower than cow shit idiots. I called the council again. I must be sleep deprived, but I thought it was a bit funny that when I call them they answer good morning, even though its 3 am. I guess it is morning but I haven’t slept yet.

I tried to call lifeline, but I chickened out. I don’t want to take someone away from a person who actually needs it. I’m not suicidal, just furious, hurt, upset, freezing, numb, confused and a bunch of other emotions, like an avalanche of emotions, sliding down a mountain and I’m caught, trapped, being dragged down with them.

I really wanted to speak to someone and confess loudly “I have ASD!” but I hung up. I still can’t bring myself to say it. It doesn’t feel like it me, I can’t have that. I don’t want it, I want to be normal and have a normal job and normal legs and hair and not be me, be someone who is normal. Even when I look in the mirror sometimes, I don’t feel like its me, I feel like I see someone else.

But I am me. Alone. Typing into a bright screen at 3 30 am.

(c)ASD and me 2019.

Noise · Quiet · Shows · Thoughts

Protect the quiet or it will disappear

I watched a National geographic show about a man who records natural soundscapes called an Acoustic Ecologist. He travels to quiet, remote places to record nature without noise pollution from humans.

I think this man has the best job in the world. I’ve been trying to start an ASMR channel for about a year now but no luck. I’m being very fussy about the sound quality and even bought a new camera. The audio isn’t good, it has hissing and white noise, so I looked up how to record nature sounds, and found this show.

I’m glad I’m not the only person who is worried about the disappearing quiet. It seems everywhere I go is crowded, cramped, claustrophobic. Its hard for me to relax or even not be restless. I’m so exhausted from human and animal intrusive noises. I really want to escape and live alone like Walden.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Shows · Thoughts

I watched After life with Ricky Gervais

I recently watched the Netflix show After life, written and starring Ricky Gervais.  Its about a man who is very depressed and suicidal after his wife died.

I found some of the scenes disturbing, confronting and very upsetting. I cried a lot because I felt sorry for the character. He was struggling to get through the days and you could clearly see he was in so much pain he wasn’t able to dig himself out of it.

I feel this is a well written depiction of actual depression and suicidal thoughts.

It made me think about some things that were tucked away and hidden behind locked doors in my brain. I normally try to avoid sad movies and scenes, but I’m glad I watched this show.

(c) ASD and me 2019