2020 · Struggle · Thoughts

Update and stuff

A few things have changed so I thought I would blog about them. I still want to publish a book, but I know that won’t be until at least next year, or ever.

Its hard to write about things when you stay at home 99% of the time.

The NDIA changed some rules because of the corona virus, so now I can get a Support Coordinator. It only took the world to almost end before it happened, but I have one now so I’ll complain less.

I also was given a code so I can get priority grocery home delivery. I’m so happy that I no longer need to enter the supermarket and stay 2 metres from people. I can stay at home in my rat hole and have food delivered to me like a fancy person. Hopefully I can get the basics box like elderly people do.

I signed up to social media, but yesterday day regretted it, because some people are very quick to judge and to jump to conclusions. Its really annoying and frustrating for me, so I have blocked some people. I only have it for Corona, so when that’s over and I can go outside, it will be deleted.

I also had my periods, but this time I cried because I realised I was having a “Corona Period” and couldn’t leave the house.

Confession time: It’s not even Easter yet and I have eaten 4 choc bunnies and one one egg. I’m putting on my winter weight early. Gotta get that shiny coat.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

I can’t believe I didn’t come up with this.
Frustrated Aspie · Struggle · Thoughts

Contact made

I called my LAC again today Thursday and finally she answered. I’ve been trying to contact her since the 28th of August and today at 3pm she answered. Open the champagne!

She gave the excuse of I’m so busy. Non stop.

So she didn’t even have time to take a few seconds to acknowledge my call or SMS? I need to go into her office tomorrow at 10am. If she’s not there, I’m calling the NDIS to make a formal complaint and fucking have them fired again and demand that I’m moved to a different company.

I’m allowing my anxiety speak to me I know, but its been over 2 weeks trying to contact her.

I really want to know if anyone else is getting messed around? Are they having as shitty time as I am?

I really don’t know what to do. I’m stuck. I’m so angry that I don’t even want to go see her because I know I’ll cry or get angry. I really want to say: WTF are you doing?

Do you know what a phone is?

I’m sorry if my disability is causing you employment!

I’m sorry my cries for help are making you do the job your being paid for.

Maybe I should put these on a t shirt.

©ASD plus me 2019.

meme busy

ASD · Autism · Struggle · Thoughts

Only so many times I can complain about…

I didn’t realise that my blog was mainly complaining about negative things that have happened to me. I didn’t want it to be this way, but since I’m isolated and have no friends, (despite all my efforts and going very far out of my way, sometimes to just be used), I have no one else to talk to. I only see my psychologist once a month and I don’t want to burden my bf more than I already do.

Honestly, I never actually thought I would have actual followers. I’ve had many blogs and YouTube channels, but I’ve always been invisible, so thank you to the people who follow and read my blog. I only started this blog for something o do, but now I’m glad because I might meet new people.

I’ve been meaning to make more posts about food I like, food I eat, cooking, teaching myself how to sew from internet articles, YouTube videos and books I borrowed from the library.

Some quick updates:

•  I called the NDIS 2 weeks ago and they said I’ve been approved, so now I just need to wait for the agency to call me for the second meeting. I really would like to meet people my own age and maybe do some charity work or something meaningful with the time I have left.

•  I still really want to move to a different area, preferably quieter, with less houses that aren’t so cramped together. I want to live on flat ground, not a mountain side. We have a great view of the clouds, but a drive way that’s impossible for me to park in and difficult for me to drive out of.  I would love to live in Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls. I don’t know if small towns like that even exist in Australia.

•  I keep saying I’ll give up trying to make friends, but I keep doing it and keep failing. miserably. Last Thursday I attended an art group I had been to many times before. The class is mainly elderly church women and I think I’m the youngest (in my 40s). The women are nice, but I wish they wouldn’t make lunch plans in front of the class if all of the class aren’t invited. Its just rude and really hurtful to me. I ended up crying in my car afterwards. Then my bf called and I cried to him. He said these people are toxic and have no lives. This has happened before, but I keep returning, listening to peoples boring endless stories about wearing an onion on their belt which was a style at the time…

Why do I keep punishing myself? I want friends so badly, I guess I scare them away with my desperation. Is it me? I try to be nice, I try to contribute ideas etc, but I can’t break down the wall between us I guess. I know I should stop trying. Hopefully in the future things will change and get better.

(c) ASD and me 2019not-a-runner-now-you-are-motivational-memes



Frustrated Aspie · Noise · Struggle · Thoughts

I’m a customer, not a criminal, so don’t treat me like one.

I went to a Big W yesterday. It used to have good quality clothing, but in the last few years, I’ve noticed a change to more cheap, low quality clothing, a lot more of polyester and crap I can’t wear. For over 20 years, I have shopped and chosen Big W over other brands and have been a loyal patron.

But this will change after yesterday.

I wanted to find a lamp. I hate the ones at the local Target, so I waited a week to visit Big W so I could go while visiting my parents. I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find any. And while I was searching, I noticed how messy and untidy the shop was.

I think they have forgotten they were a department store, not a Rave, and loud music was blasting through the overhead speakers. This started my Tinnitus and I decided to leave. I had wasted about 20 minutes and that was enough, so walked towards the exit.

Now, on my arrival, I had noticed the security guard and had hesitated for a second to enter, but then I saw an immigrant woman with  a handbag twice the size of mine walk past unharassed, so I thought it would be safe to enter. Gee, was I fucking wrong.

I had my finger over my ear to try and block the noise and walked out of the exit. The “security guard” said I need to check your bag. I said “no this is a hand bag you’re not allowed to check this”. He replied rather arrogantly “yes if its over30 cms I can”. My bag is smaller than that, so I knew this was him trying to bully or intimidate me, but I said okay and opened the zipper, pulled out a zip lock bag with pads in it and said “here look at my pads you fucking pervert!”

I was so fucking furious!

This is actually against the law. It DOES NOT apply to personal handbags. I also think I was discriminated against because of my skin colour. Normally I wouldn’t think this, but since he didn’t check the migrant woman’s bag, I am now.

I have so much more to say on this subject, but its making me angry and sad to keep thinking about it, so I’ll end by saying  this bag search thing is harmful to business and extremely hurtful to innocent people. If this is the future of customer service, I’ll stay home and buy online.

(c) ASD and me 2019.


#No cure needed · ASD · Autism · Frustrated Aspie · Struggle · Thoughts

My Autism is not going to be cured so stop asking me to prove it exists!

I have been trying to sign up to an online course and it is, of course, difficult and frustrating.

I already sent my paper work in last year, and was approved and have been enrolled, but then I wanted  to transfer.  And get help from a Councillor.

You would think that being disabled, they would make it easy for me to enroll.

But no.

When I call, its the stupid automated dialing system where you need to choose options and “Press 1”.

The first time I called, it didn’t work and there was no hold music, so I hung up and tried again. Then I was finally able to get through to a human, they needed to transfer me and force me to wait 3 minutes for someone on the other end.

This new person, although polite, told me that I needed to fill out more forms to PROOVE my disability  status.

I really wanted to scream!

So to this company, and everyone else, listen up:

1. There is no cure for autism!

2. There never will be.

3. There doesn’t need to be a cure; there is NOTHING wrong with us!

4. I really do not  want to talk about my Autism, especially to some random person on the phone.

5. Stop asking me to prove that I have it EVERY SINGLE TIME I want to study!

6. Just tick the fucking box, so I can get on with my life and stop discussing my very private health issues with strangers over the phone.

I’m going to say this again: THERE IS NO CURE FOR AUTISM!

Do not believe what some crazy trouble making bitch said on her blog, she did not cure her son’s Autism. The best you can do is get an allergy test for your child, or yourself and adjust your diet.

I am so fed up and exhausted by this shit. I just wanted to learn something to help me start a small business so I can work from home and not have to go through the agony and bullshit that are modern job interviews.

That may be my next post.

(c) ASD and me 2019.


ASMR · Struggle · Thoughts

Trying to record ASMR audio is difficult with tinnitus

ASMR means Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. It if you listen to it, its meant to give you tingles on your skin and spine. Some people love it, some don’t get the tingling. I have felt tingle a few times and its a very strange sensation, like a feather gentle touching your skin.

This past year, I’ve been trying to record ASMR videos. It has been extremely difficult for me for many reasons.

1. I’m not very “techie”, so it takes me ages to learn new software. I get frustrated easily and have lost my patience, so I usually quit.

2. I now have sometimes very loud tinnitus, so its hard to tell the difference between my tinnitus and white noise on the recording. Turning the volume up just makes it worse.

3. I really have no ideas what I’m doing. I have done loads of research, and found the best equipment is very expensive.

4. My Samsung phone is great to use as a phone, but not as a recording device. Everything sounds tinny and a bit distorted and has lots of white noise and I have no idea how to remove it.

5. Its extremely difficult to find a place that has NO background noise. I even went to a national park, and it has car engine noise from people driving past.

I want to do this to have some purpose to my life, than just shopping and endless house work and waiting for the NDIS to hurry up.

It doesn’t matter what I do, I seem to always struggle. Other people seem to cruise along, yet I’m almost drowning and need a floating life preserver.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

-life-preserver meme