Posted in ASD, Autism, Depression, Noise, Thoughts

Woken once again by noise

It’s 3 am and I’m awake. Again. Being kept awake and woken up by the barking muts next door. It truly unbelievable the shitty garbage I have to put up with from noisy idiots.

It’s really cold here, I’m shivering, but I can’t sleep. My fingers don’t work properly enough to type, but I still want to get my thoughts down.

My thought are a jumbled mess and its hard to type a coherent sentence, but I’m not giving up.  I’ve had enough of shitty behaviour from lower than cow shit idiots. I called the council again. I must be sleep deprived, but I thought it was a bit funny that when I call them they answer good morning, even though its 3 am. I guess it is morning but I haven’t slept yet.

I tried to call lifeline, but I chickened out. I don’t want to take someone away from a person who actually needs it. I’m not suicidal, just furious, hurt, upset, freezing, numb, confused and a bunch of other emotions, like an avalanche of emotions, sliding down a mountain and I’m caught, trapped, being dragged down with them.

I really wanted to speak to someone and confess loudly “I have ASD!” but I hung up. I still can’t bring myself to say it. It doesn’t feel like it me, I can’t have that. I don’t want it, I want to be normal and have a normal job and normal legs and hair and not be me, be someone who is normal. Even when I look in the mirror sometimes, I don’t feel like its me, I feel like I see someone else.

But I am me. Alone. Typing into a bright screen at 3 30 am.

(c)ASD and me 2019.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Depression, Thoughts

I think I’m in shock… or something

I’ve been very confused lately. Just wondering around, like a zombie, not eating much, not saying much. Crying a lot.

Now that its official, I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I thought having a diagnosis would make me feel better, but I feel worse. I also have no emotions. I’m just running on auto pilot and I’ve begun to hate my life. I can’t seem to find anything good to cling to. I just feel lost and am struggling with everything. I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing and sleep then wake up and be happy and normal.

The ASD test said that I wasn’t depressed, but its wrong. I think I’m beyond depression. I’ve left depression island and am now floating down “Where the fuck am I going?” river.

I need to move, I need more money, I need to have an MRI, I need lots of things. But I’m so mentally exhausted, I can’t do these things. I don’t have the energy, so I guess the rest of my life will be wasted at home, in a house I hate, in a shitty neighbourhood I can’t afford to leave and just rot to death in a private hell I can’t escape from.

(c) ASD and me 2019