I guess help is what I make of it.

After my panic attack on Friday, I feel better. I thought about why I was upset and anxious and I don’t want to feel that way anymore. This won’t stop me from feeling it, but, I want to try and be more positive now.

Bf reminded me that I’m way in front of where I was a year ago. I was just calling the NDIS this time last year to apply for the first time, and now, I’ve been accepted.

I think one of the reasons why I was so anxious and distraught, was that I was hoping for a “cure”. I’ve spent my whole life, trying to find a way to “fit in” or “be normal” or “be cured”. I was hoping more than I realised, that that was one thing I was hoping to get from the NDIS funding.

But now I think about it, its ridiculous and ignorant of me to think that I need a cure or can get a cure from an agency of people who have never met me and only have a few letters from doctors.

I had a cleaner from a cleaning company inspect my house and send me a quote today, so maybe things will turn out well. I just need to not put tonnes of pressure and expectations on things then get crushed by disappointment when things don’t turnout exactly perfect like they were in my thoughts.

I also need to focus on more important things, like recording more videos for my ASMR YouTube channel. I only have one video so far, but I want to make more. I’ve been trying to record audio, but it’s hard to get clean sound with no talking or traffic.

©ASD plus me 2019.



Adrift on a sea of confusion

So far, I’m not impressed  and I’m very disappointed with the NDIS. I thought I would have a schedule or timetable already organised for me so I wouldn’t have to run around and do everything myself as always. I was getting excited about having things planned for me. Were my dreams finally coming true? Was I actually going to get the help I desperately needed and wanted?

No. All I have are some A4 sheets of paper with a lot if numbers and words.

It hasn’t helped me. In fact, its made me more stressed. I saw my psychologist yesterday and  she doesn’t know what to do either, said I should call the agency for help. She didn’t even know if her payment is covered by the NDIS or if I need to get another Mental Health Plan.

Honestly, if I could find a job or clean my house or do any normal thing by myself, why the hell would I ask for help? I hate asking for help, especially strangers and double especially on the phone.

I’m even more stressed now and crying as I type, because, I have “money” allocated to me, but have no idea what to do with it. And I’m afraid if I don’t use it, then it will be taken away and I’ll be worse off than before.

I called one number to ask for help, and now I’m done. My energy is gone and I want to just go back to bed, but I can’t because my house is a mess. I’m still on antibiotics and feel like shit. Everything hurts, everything is a huge effort.

I feel like I should go live in a cave sometimes. Or a cabin in the woods like Walden. if only…

I thought having government assistance would help me. Maybe in the future things will be better, more organised, less stressful and I’ll look back on this and laugh about my crazy time when I had debilitating mental illness. But for now, I’m lost in a turbulent ocean with no life raft.

(c) ASD and me 2019.



Movies I like

I like movies that have happy endings. No surprise right?

I like movies where someone is stuck, (mainly a woman), and they find the courage, strength or some way to push through and make their life better.

Bridget Jones Diary:   I love this move and the book. This movie helped me through a lot of bad times. I associate with this character so much because I feel I’m very similar to her. Except I don’t drink or smoke. And I haven’t dated Hugh Grant or Colin Firth.

The sound of music:   What can I say, I love musicals.


Calamity Jane

The Sapphires

9 to 5 and Straight Talk: I love Dolly Parton’s movies and music.

What lies beneath: I’m not a horror thriller fan, but this movie is more creepy psychological thriller than silly jump scares.

Legally Blonde: I studied some legal subject because I wanted to work for Legal Aid.

Pride and Prejudice

Mary Poppins

Under the Tuscan sun: I’ve always wanted to live in a beautiful European country.

Somethings gotta give: I like movies about mature adult women issues.

Alice in wonderland: I really love this movie. I’ve always felt like I was an outsider who doesn’t fit in.

©ASD and me 2019.

Food allergies · Frustrated Aspie · Thoughts

Trying to get by but sick again.

My letter from the NDIS came on Friday, so I can let my letterbox go back to growing spider webs now. I called this morning and have an appointment for 3pm today. I’m curious to see what they have set up for me. Or maybe I need to tell them what I want, I don’t know, I’ll just wait and see.

I also have been I’ll so had to visit the doctor again. I have an ear infection, again, so I need antibiotics, again. I went to a pharmacy called Blooms. I don’t like them, I think their prices are expensive, but I didn’t have time or the energy to take a long train trip to get to a cheaper pharmacy.

Normally, I find loud music and radio shops play very annoying, but this day, I thought it could have been dangerous. I have allergies, so the pharmacist have to ask me about them, which is a good thing, I want them to ask me about my allergies. But what I don’t want, is  to be deafened by loud music or radio while trying to ask if maybe this medicine could possibly kill me.

I say this a lot, but how is this a thing that happens? I get shops playing music. If you by vitamins, you probably won’t die if you eat too much kale powder, but if you can’t hear your pharmacist tell you not to take this medicine with kale powder, or not to use heavy machinery, or other helpful things,  and I can’t hear the, whose fault it that?

Some could argue that I should just “go somewhere else”, but no, that’s exclusion bullying. I need medicine, the pharmacy has been given a license by the Australian Government, so legally, I can use any pharmacy and they can’t discriminate against me.

Don’t they have a legal obligation to make sure their client knows how to take the medicine they have been issued correctly, and also warn of any side effects?

I’m truly stuck. I don’t want to purchase from Blooms, but its easier than going to the main street and fighting for parking, or climbing mountains just to get to a shop to save a few dollars. If they turned the radio and music off completely, I wouldn’t mind going in as much, but after last time, I’m not impressed.

(I just remembered that at some train stations they plain classical music to scare people away, especially teens. Is this what shops are doing?)

Leave a comment if you have had the same situation and tell me who you think the music is for? The clients (hint: its not) or the staff?

© ASD and me 2019 ™meme


Thanks to my 20 followers


I just saw that I have 20 followers and wanted to thank everyone for reading my blog.

I have so much I want to write about and lots of photos, but sometimes I’m too tired to write or edit photos.

I’m still waiting to hear from the NDIS. Every time the Postman rides past, I have to look out the window and check the letterbox for my letter. Hopefully it will arrive soon.

And winter is over in a few weeks, so there will be no more snow. When it warms up, I’ll try to record more sounds to make a YouTube channel with.

But thanks 🙂

©ASD and me 2019.

#No cure needed · Thoughts

I had a good experience in Target (for once).

No, that’s not a typo; I actually didn’t hate Target when I shopped there last week. I went to Big W first, and as usual, it set my Tinnitus off, so I looked quickly, but they only had ugly coral coloured lamps for sale. So I left. I was leaving the centre, when I saw Target. I don’t remember ever entering that Target location, but I really wanted a new desk lamp, so I crossed the threshold into the darkness…

No, it wasn’t that bad. The music was loud, but I was able to find the lamp my bf had, then I saw a smaller lamp for $12, that’s an even better price, so I grabbed that. Then I saw pillows for $12, so I grabbed one of those.

I went through the self service check out and didn’t noticed that the rack had no bags. I asked the staff and she said they are 15 cents now. I looked in my purse, but didn’t have change. The women looked around then said just take one, its only 15c.”

I said “are you sure? Thank you”.

That one small act of kindness, has changed my mind about that Target location. Its also so much closer to the train station and the frozen yoghurt shop, so maybe I’ll shop there instead of walking the ends of the Earth to get to Big W.

I learned something these past few months:

1. Ask the staff who is at the entrance if they sell what you’re looking for. If they don’t, then you don’t need to waste time going in.

2. Look online first to see if the shop actually sells what you want.

3. If you have a catalogue, take it with you to show staff what you want. It’s so much easier to show a picture, than to describe that you want a steam inhaler bottle, no its like that large one for babies, but this is a bottle. A bit like a babies bottle, but you put eucalyptus oil in and hot water and it makes steam to inhale. (That’s an actual conversation I had).

4. Some companies advertise that they will match a competitors price, so make them do that. Just have proof of the competitors price to prove it.

5. One last idea, do grocery shopping last, so you dont need to push a heavy trolley of groceries around with you into different shops. #Life Hack.

© ASD and me 2019.

ASD · Autism · Struggle · Thoughts

Only so many times I can complain about…

I didn’t realise that my blog was mainly complaining about negative things that have happened to me. I didn’t want it to be this way, but since I’m isolated and have no friends, (despite all my efforts and going very far out of my way, sometimes to just be used), I have no one else to talk to. I only see my psychologist once a month and I don’t want to burden my bf more than I already do.

Honestly, I never actually thought I would have actual followers. I’ve had many blogs and YouTube channels, but I’ve always been invisible, so thank you to the people who follow and read my blog. I only started this blog for something o do, but now I’m glad because I might meet new people.

I’ve been meaning to make more posts about food I like, food I eat, cooking, teaching myself how to sew from internet articles, YouTube videos and books I borrowed from the library.

Some quick updates:

•  I called the NDIS 2 weeks ago and they said I’ve been approved, so now I just need to wait for the agency to call me for the second meeting. I really would like to meet people my own age and maybe do some charity work or something meaningful with the time I have left.

•  I still really want to move to a different area, preferably quieter, with less houses that aren’t so cramped together. I want to live on flat ground, not a mountain side. We have a great view of the clouds, but a drive way that’s impossible for me to park in and difficult for me to drive out of.  I would love to live in Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls. I don’t know if small towns like that even exist in Australia.

•  I keep saying I’ll give up trying to make friends, but I keep doing it and keep failing. miserably. Last Thursday I attended an art group I had been to many times before. The class is mainly elderly church women and I think I’m the youngest (in my 40s). The women are nice, but I wish they wouldn’t make lunch plans in front of the class if all of the class aren’t invited. Its just rude and really hurtful to me. I ended up crying in my car afterwards. Then my bf called and I cried to him. He said these people are toxic and have no lives. This has happened before, but I keep returning, listening to peoples boring endless stories about wearing an onion on their belt which was a style at the time…

Why do I keep punishing myself? I want friends so badly, I guess I scare them away with my desperation. Is it me? I try to be nice, I try to contribute ideas etc, but I can’t break down the wall between us I guess. I know I should stop trying. Hopefully in the future things will change and get better.

(c) ASD and me 2019not-a-runner-now-you-are-motivational-memes