Bush fires · Thoughts

The smoke is an intruder…

Woke up this morning and bf told me to look out the back windows. The smoke had come up the side of the mountain and swallowed everything. It was in our backyard and our kitchen was hazy. The smoke burned my nose more and felt like my nostrils were full and harder to blow.

Even with smoke everywhere, some people still act like nothing is happening, even though there’s a fire at the next train station. I heard a loud noise out the front, so I looked. There was a man on the roof cleaning and preparing to paint. I think a local man started a roof painting business since I’ve seen some houses with his sign on the fence.

I guess he has to work and he has booked jobs, but surely smoke being everywhere would be a good reason to cancel?

I keep thinking about the worse things that could happen. I keep crying and trying to distract myself by watching YouTube, but it only helps for a little while. Then I need to breathe and am reminded.

I feel so trapped. The major highway has been closed, so that means we can’t leave and drive to Sydney. I don’t trust the train because that will stop too and we’ve been on a train where we had to wait almost an hour and people were arguing and I thought there would be violence.

I feel more helpless and useless than ever. My eyes hurt from the smoke as well. We blocked up windows with sticky tape and put towels under doors to try and stop the smoke coming in and also turn on the air con to get some fresh air. I haven’t left the house for 2 days because of the smoke and I didn’t go to my art group today because I was afraid of driving and choking. I’m going to watch tv and read to try and take my mind off everything.

I really hope the RFS can stop the fires or control them enough so it doesn’t come to my house. I hate living here now. No view is worth this much stress, anxiety and health issues.

©ASD and me 2019.

Cleaning, Tidying · Minimalism · Thoughts

Stuff in the garage

Before the smoke invaded my town, I was heavy into decluttering my home. Now I can’t even go outside without being harassed by invisible smells and fog.

I’ve been trying to declutter the garage for weeks now, but it seems the spiders have other ideas and don’t want me disturbing their webs or piles of dust.

So many plastic containers to get through. Lots of old notebooks I had forgotten about and art supplies, scrapbooking supplies and pens! Lots of pens that seem to have played some Marvin Gaye and made more pens. You’d think I have a pen obsession or something. (I think I might).

I thought I was done. But clutter and mess are never done. Like a virus, it mutates new strains of junk, so more Coles pamphlets, old school reports, fold back clips, plastic scrapbooking stars, and pens. Old art drawings, plastic sleeves and pens. Old RTA books about round-about rules and old negatives. I don’t need them, I have 5 digital cameras!

Up and down the ramp, in and out the house and garage all day with bulging boxes and baskets.

Hopefully this exodus of stuff will end soon.

©ASD plus me 2019.


More fire closing in

Friday bf and I drove to Sydney early and saw the sun rising as a huge glowing orange ball of light.  When we arrived at my parents house, the sun was enormous. I tried to photograph it, but I only had my Samsung phone so I had limitations. I had planned to take my mother Christmas shopping.

In the afternoon, the sky was light brown, foggy and full of dust. Bits of ash were on the ground and it was getting harder to breathe outside. The smoke irritated my nostrils when I was outside so I had to go back in. The smell was everywhere. My brother and dad were smoking inside and that made me angry. Do they not see the brown colour of the sky? Or that we can’t see more than 2 houses away? How can people be so inconsiderate or selfish or I don’t know, in denial? I’ve had arguments with my dad in the past about his disgusting habit, so I try to stay from him while he’s smoking.

This bush fire seems to have control of me and I don’t know why. I know that its still far away and if we need to evacuate, the news and other neighbours will tell us. I have a bag packed and emergency supplies and will buy more, but I still feel unsafe.

I woke up Sunday and the sky here is brown. All the mountains are gone, swallowed by the relentless smoke. I feel helpless in a strange debilitating way. I really want the fires to stop, but I have no control. I can’t escape the smoke. I hate feeling helpless, it makes me very anxious and then I panic.

Even as I type, I can feel the smoke entering my nose, sharp and peppery. It smells bitter and pungent and hot. It stings my skin and makes me sneeze.

Nothing has escaped this suffocating blanket. Our car has ash on the hood, the garage roof has a layer. I saw a bird fly past and it stumbled mid flight. I worry about about the poor animals, they have smaller lungs than humans. I want to put out food and water for them, but I’m worried it will be contaminated by falling ash.

The weather report said rain is due so hopefully we will get some peace and fresh air soon.

ASD and me 2019.






I’m so confused by some people

I have had disabilities most of my life. I don’t like them. I’ve tried to cure them or make their severity less, I’ve been to many doctors, psychologists, even social groups, to try and cure myself. My goal was to cure myself, to make my self less socially anxious and less depressed.

I didn’t cause these disabilities or illnesses. I try to eat healthy food. I rarely eat chocolate. I don’t smoke, I hate smoking and try to stay away from smokers because I have allergies. I had an expensive allergy test to find what things I need to stay away from. I had very expensive and painful dentists appointments to fix my teeth so I can eat proper food and not live on baby food and junk.

I don’t want any of these disabilities or illness. If I could cure them, I would. But since I can’t, I’m forced to live with them, which is a huge struggle everyday.

So it really blows my mind that people, with a perfectly functioning body, would CHOOSE to make themselves disabled. Its called trans abled, but the medical term is Body Integrity Dysphoria.

This is so disrespectful and a kick in the face to the disabled. Its also aggravating because some of these people, Choosers I’m naming them, can get Welfare. It took me over a year to prove my disabilities to the government, but still I only receive disability support, not welfare payments.

I’m so confused and angered as to why anyone would make themselves disabled, like the women who poured drain cleaner into her eyes to make herself blind, or the man who cut off his own arm. This is not a thing that should be happening. This makes me scared for children now.

Do these people have hypochondria? Do they hear of an illness on the news and think they have it? If their leg itches, do they think they have the plague? Or do they think, maybe its the new fabric softener?

I fear for the future of humanity now. People are already allowed to have genitals removed, what will be next?

I think the world is speeding towards a dystopian future and I want to get off.

©ASD and me™  2019.

meme elon

Bush fires · Thoughts

Thank you Rural Fire Service (RFS)

I have said before I don’t like were I live, but I don’t want my house to burn down; then I would be homeless . I don’t know how much my insurance will cover, even though we pay large fees every month.

I have been so stressed with everything happening, and now the fire on top, I just want to scream everyday. The only thing that gives me hope is the fire fighters. If it wasn’t for them, I think my house and most of the houses in NSW would be ash.

Bf and me drove back from my parents house on Friday and didn’t take the highway, we took a different route, and drove past lots of blackened trees. I saw a sign some one had made and hung from a tree that read Thank you RFS. I thought that was so nice of someone to do that. I hope the fire fighters see it. I was thinking before, if some came to my door and asked for help or for water, of course I’ll help them. I have emergency provisions and am happy to share them with the people who are saving my life.

I can’t fight the fire myself, so I’m so very grateful that the RFS exist.

I’m saying this because some ignorant crazy woman went on the news and said that the firemen are going home after the fires and abusing their wives. She had no statistics, or proof or anything to backup up her statements. I really don’t know why you would slag off people who are tying to save everyone, but I guess she wanted the attention. If she really thought this was happening, tell the Police, don’t defame them on live national tv.

I know the RFS probably won’t read this, but I just want them to know that I’m so grateful beyond words for all their help.

©ASD and me 2019.


Cleaning, Tidying · Minimalism · Thoughts

More books and stuff to give away

Finally bf let me give away some of his excess stuff. Some heavy coding and computer books. Also some fiction books including the Play book from How I met your mother, why did he still have this?  The show ended 5 years ago.

I had a container full of gardening mags and I realised while looking through them that I only buy them for the chook pictures, so out they went.

I keep going through same boxes bags to find more to give away. More watercolour art books. Pads and supplies. More childhood teddies and some toys.

I found a bunny my Nan gave me when I was younger, I want to give that to my Niece.

More art books to give away to women at art group.

Slowly chipping away at the mountain of stuff.

So exhausted.  I just want to be done. For my house to be neat and tidy, no clutter.

Hopefully soon.

©ASD and me 2019.