Thoughts

Its raining rain, hallelujah!

Yes, I know that title is very cheesy, so much it may make some readers lactose intolerant, but I don’t care. Its raining here!

Full on rain. Not a few spits of water, full on thunder stormy type rain. It’s amazing. It was so loud last night, it woke bf and myself up around 3am. The loud thunderous noise reminded me of when the drug dealers still rented next door and used to wake us up at 3am with their music and drumkit.

But I’m not worried. I was able to fall asleep after a while and this morning I woke up, and there were actually puddles on the ground. The grass is green, not a hay brown colour like it has been for months. Birds are sitting on the powerlines in the rain enjoying not being burned alive in the fires. They are making bird noises and flying around.

This sudden reprieve from the fires is like magic. The weather forecast claims the storms will continue till the 20th, so I hope that’s true.

©ASD and me 2020

Thoughts

Deleting old blogs.

I found a bunch of old books that I wrote passwords in for old blogs and social media accounts. I have been going through them, slowly, since some of the passwords don’t work and other issues.

I held onto these things for years, and for what?

I think it was because I was still hoping to be published. I guess I still can be, but it really doesn’t matter. I can start a new blog for free on WordPress whenever I want , so I don’t know why I was holding on to old blogs from 2012.

I read some of the comments and one was rude and sarcastic pointing out my spelling mistakes. I don’t know why people do this. Its called a mistake for a reason. I would have done this when I was younger, but now I don’t want to waste my time; I have better things to do.

I’m still going to write, but I won’t focus purely on getting published like I did years ago before I gave up. I wasted 10 years and received nothing but gut ache, sadness and a pile of letters.

Writing should just be fun and a way to express myself, not torture or a pain.

Who knows, I feel attached to this blog right now, but back then I was super attached to those blogs, so I don’t know how I’ll feel in the future about this one.

Honestly, it feels so good to remove and delete all this junk. What is it anyway? Nothing tangible. Nothing I can touch. I don’t care about likes or whatever, I only had social media because its expected of writer to have a platform.

I’m thinking about making new accounts, but sometimes I think its more trouble than its worth.

©ASD and me 2020.

 

2020 · Thoughts

I’m tired of unreliable people wasting my time.

I’m trying to stay positive this year, but sometimes its very difficult, especially when I have to rely on other people to keep their word.

I have been studying an online line course that hasn’t exactly been a disaster, but the tutor who was assigned to me I think is. She makes excuses for forgetting appointments, then says “I’m so sorry blah, blah, blah…” I mean, we have a long email chain, written with history in Gmail, that we can just scroll through. Why can’t she just look at it?

I don’t know what to make of this. One time, yes, can be a mistake, but three? How can she keep making mistakes and writing the wrong date down in her diary. It’s 2020, get it together.

I really wanted to write a bad email, but I kept typing words, then deleting words, so in the end, I said “I’m so angry I can’t even write a proper email”. I also took a screen shot of her words saying “ok 11am Friday smiley face”. I wonder how she will respond to that. Will she admit she made a mistake, or will she say she doesn’t remember typing that. No, I think she will make her usual excuse of “I’m so sorry, blaaaaaaaaahhhh”. There’s only so many times a person can apologise before it just becomes meaningless background noise.

I’m so confused and despondent. I feel like again, a pile of dirt has been dumped onto me and I now have another hard climb to get back up to where I was before; if that’s even possible.

Loud sigh

I’m angry and annoyed that this stupid women wasted my time. I won’t think about it anymore for now. I’ll put it on hold in my mind, then I’ll deal with it on Monday.

Its a new year and bf reminded me that all online study has done is made me more stressed and anxious. Is this what happens when I’m brave enough to tell someone I’m disabled and ask for help?

That was Friday, this is Monday and I’m still thinking about it. I don’t even want to check my email because I think she sent me a reply. So now I don’t know what to do.

So yeah, unless something amazing happens, I think I’m done.

©ASD and me 2020.

Meme sorry

2020 · Thoughts

2020 list: Exercise

1. Do some exercise everyday.

By exercise, I don’t mean join a gym. Gross. All those sweaty, meatbags throwing themselves around the room.

Exercise can be any form of movement, (my definition) for 30 minutes a day:

Walking around the supermarket

Walking around the shopping centre

Hanging out heavy baskets of washing

Cleaning the bath and scrubbing it, raising my heartbeat

Vacuuming and moving around the house

Moving furniture to clean behind and vacuum under

Standing at sink washing dishes

Filling or emptying dishwasher
Gardening, pulling weeds from a garden bed or vege patch

mowing lawn, trimming the edges, especially if you use a manual hedge trimmer (I don’t do these)

trimming tree branches, flowers, leaves

Carrying a full watering can down the ramp and around the backyard. I need to fill it and refill it as well so that takes at least 30 minutes or more and makes me puffed.

Trimming the wormwood hedge, which really needs it, but too hot outside for that.

Repotting, moving pots, replanting plants, picking fruit and vegetables.

I also want to walk outside, but I need to wake up very early to avoid the heat, and can’t walk far because of the smoke. I walk more during the other seasons, so I can’t wait for summer to be over.

What ever moves my body and makes me sweat, makes me puffy and makes my heart beat faster I’m considering exercise.

ASD and me 2020.

Thoughts

New year, same old habits I need to break.

Yesterday I made myself angry watching a video of people yelling at the PM. He tried to force a woman and a male Firefighter to shake hands after they told him they didn’t want to. After everything that has happened, and seeing new smoke near where I live, I was angry and had started typing another angry post. This one was even more angry and sarcastic than the last. But I’m glad I waited.

I thought, even if I post sarcastic remarks, it still won’t stop the fires. I’ve never met the PM and I don’t know what his thoughts are, but I don’t think we should put all the blame on him. Fires start here all the time, even before he was PM, so even though everyone’s angry by his lack of action and throwing eggs at him, I don’t want to get angry and over react. Again.

I have done many times in the past and I have always regreted it afterwards. I have bad habits I really want to break, so I have to try and change my mind and not react straight away. I need space and time to gather my thoughts.

Since my diagnosis in November 2018, I have felt more and more vulnerable. I want to tell people about my ASD, but I’m afraid of their response. I’m afraid to even tell my own mum, because we don’t get along sometimes and she has made jokes about my missing tooth. Then said I’m your mum, which somehow justifies hurting my feelings. So now I fear telling anyone. I can only really talk about it to my psychologist, who had to cancel out last appointment because of the fire.

I’m starting a list of things to try for the new year. They’re not goals, just ideas for me to try and improve my day to day life.

©ASD and me 2020.

afe95ea64bf4f45192995c07f5e51e41

 

Thoughts

Happy new year

Its almost the new year and I normally make resolutions like, I’m not going to eat chocolate again or I’m going to walk everyday, but I never keep them. I’m filled with zeal and sugar from all the junk I ate over Christmas and my brain is on a high.

So when I come down, normally in February around my birthday and realise I’m a year older, I come back to reality and realise that, I like good quality, mostly plain chocolate and I’m not really worried about my weight. I’m more worried about my teeth being healthy or my gut not hurting, or the arches in my feet not aching.

I still don’t know how to feel about having ASD, so I’m neutral and just trying to live like I did before I knew. That’s my intention, but it doesn’t work out that way mostly.

I do want to meet other people with ASD, especially women who were diagnosed later, like 40, but, I’m not sure what to expect. I don’t expect anyone to become my friend just because we were born with the same disability. I also don’t want anyone to expect anything from me. So conflicted.

I really want to meet new people, but I don’t want any expectations on either side and offences taken or feelings hurt. Meeting new people can be like a battle field sometimes.

Less than 10 people in the world know I have ASD, so I’m conflicted over if I should tell people. I think on one hand, it might be nice and less stressful to be “out” and free, but on the other hand, I’m scared that people will use that very personal information against me and say stupid shit.

But I don’t need to worry about that now.

Happy new year everyone.

© ASD and me 2019

cant-wait-new-years-eve-meme

Thoughts

Remember the 90s and 2019

I can’t believe its almost 2020. When I first realised it, I was excited because I thought we were almost near one of my favourite song 2525, but then realised no wait, wrong century.

But here are some things I want to remember from 90s when I had my extremely confusing and depressing high school and early twenties.

Martin Molloy was a radio show based in Melbourne in Victoria. It was written, acted and hosted by Tony Martin and Mick Molloy. They are both comedians and I listened to their show everyday it aired. When I attended college, I asked my mum to record the show for me from the radio, so I ended up with lots of cassettes of the show.

The 90s were different to the 80s they were shiny and bright, but 90s were grungey and angsty and singers seemed angry.

I loved a bunch of different genres, some only one song, some albums.

I loved shows like Beavis and Butt head, Ren and Stimpy.

I could write all day about songs and shows I loved growing up in the 90’s, but I need to prepare for the new decade. At least this time we don’t need to worry about Y2K.

Remember that? My Mum made me buy a bunch of candles incase the lights went out. What did you do for Y2K?

There were also movies about preparing for Y2K, like Office Space.

And there will always be a special place in the cheese factory of my heart for 1999 by Prince.

© ASD and me 2019.Meme prince 1999