Covid 19

I may have help

Its been weeks since my review and only this week did my psychologist suggest a company that might be able to help with cleaning and mow the lawns.

It would be good to finally have help after struggling since about April with no help. I sometimes regret it, but I’m also glad that we stopped the cleaner coming to our house. I didn’t want someone traveling between houses possibley spreading covid or other diseases, so we cancelled the service.

I’m trying to keep busy by watching Skill share videos, and yes, you tube and shows. I’m also teaching myself watercolours, which is sometimes difficult and annoying and I remember why I stopped years ago.

I’m still looking for land and hoping to move, get a book published and trying to keep positive, even though covid cases are closing in on my town, . I’ve never wanted to stay home and leave so much in my life.

(c) ASD and me 2020

Covid 19

Still waiting and I had a Covid test.

Its been over 2 weeks since my NDIS review was approved.

I’m still waiting for my support coordinator to find someone to clean my house and take me places. I really need help to get things going. I really want to try swimming to lose some weight and to become fitter. I tried to find help on my own and found it extremely difficult.

I’m really hoping that this year will be different. I dont think the NDIS will give me funding for a third year if I don’t use the finding this year.

I’m really hating being stuck at home all the time becasue of covid. I’m terrified that NSW will be shut down like Melbourne. I couldn’t stand being trapped again for endless days, weeks, months.

I already had a Covid test. It felt like a stick was stabbing my brain. I thought they just touched the inside of my nose, maybe steal some snot, but no, they really shove it up there. Its a bit painful for a few seconds but otherwise it was over quickly.

I’ve had an MRI so this was nothing. If you suspect that you have symptoms, go have the test. I put it off for over a month and my partner said I was a hypochondriac, but I don’t care. I wanted to make sure I didn’t have it, for my own peace of mind.

I felt better when I was home and even better when I received my results 2 days later. It was negative of course. I’m still glad I did it.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

NDIS · Struggle · Thoughts

I had a successful NDIS review

Thursday August 6, I had a phone review of my NDIS plan. Its more founding than before, which I am very grateful for. But, I’m just worried and anxious that things won’t turn out well and that I’ll be stuck like before.

I really need help because I’m no anxious and nervous and I don’t know why. I hate where I live and I’m stuck until I can find somewhere else to live.

I really want to live on flat ground, I hate living on a hill, I want to have land and space and not be cramped up, with even more fancy houses being built in what was a poor town that is now suddenly trendy.

I really hope it works out this time. I want to have a some what “normal life” and have friends, travel, work and sell my paintings. I want to happy like everyone else so hope I can find that soon.

(c) ASD and me 2020.


I saw the awful first psychologist who hurt me

Sunday 12th July, I saw the garbage first psychologist again. All my stress and anxiety came back from that time. I wish I could reveal her real name, but that would reveal my identity and I do not want that to happen.

I had to run away from her, unfortunately I was in a shop so I had to leave quickly which is sometimes hard. I was at the reject shop and they recently added a metal gate to the entrance, I assume to stop people stealing their $2 shit.

I really hate where I live and want to move away so badly. I’m so anxious all the time now.

I thought I had forgotten all about that and had moved on, but apparently not. I’m stuck remembering what she did to me and what she allowed to happen to me. Its like I’m forced to relive it when I see her. I was extremely fearful every day for years because of shitty circumstances and events she could have prevented and she acts like it was nothing.

I’m going to find a way to make her regret everything, to get her licence cancelled and to make her embarrassed about what she did. I hate this bitches guts so much and want her to suffer like she did to me.

I will be very funny if she calls the Police on me swearing at her. Then the fucking flood gates will open and everyone will know what a divisive, manipulative, arrogant, selfish liar she really is.

I will tell Sky News straight away and the Department of Health who her gave her a psychologist licence.

I went to tafe a few weeks ago just to print something and saw the man who harassed me. While I was waiting for the incompetent office woman to print my work, I heard men carrying on like idiots in the library, then walk near me to the exit, a man from the group said good morning in a shitty, sarcastic way. I think it was the man who harassed me about 2 years ago. I think his name is Adam, but I wasn’t allowed to know who made the complaint about me because that is tafe policy apparently.

So fuck that dumb bitch and everyone like her! I’m and adult and I choose who I speak to, not you!

I wasted a year of my mental health plan on her shit! She needs to refund all that money, admit what she did, and quit.

(c) ASD and me 2020.


Does anyone else have dream crushes?

I guess everyone knows what a crush. I keep daydreaming about men I see online and celebrities. I have a bf, but since the lock down we’ve been getting on each others nerves and arguing far more than normal. Is this why I’ve been daydreaming more than usual? I don’t know. I feel more lonely and trapped and claustrophobic and helpless though.

Its sounds silly, since I should know better. But I can’t help but think about being with a celebrity, like Robert Downey Junior or a Youtuber called Legal Eagle. My life is okay. I have all the physical things I need, but bf and I disagree on a lot of things. I want to move to a house with some land and he says he does but won’t help me look. This stupid not going out and staying home is making me crazy. More than usual.

I’m trying to finish a online course in film and media so hopefully I can find work or traineeship afterwards. I hate being poor and living in a shitty house and neighbourhood.

My dream crushes are vivid sometimes. I can imagine our house, if we have pets or children, our bedroom behavior. ( I’m always amazing).

I also want a cowboy. I’ve never met a real cowboy, but I look up pictures of them and My face goes red. Its even happen to men Ive met in real life and its embarrassing. My day dreams are better than my real life. Hopefully when I finish the course, winter will be over, covid 19 will be cured and I can finally be happy.

Or at least not sad or anxious anymore.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

In dreams you’re mine…
Covid 19 · NDIS · Struggle · Thoughts

WTF is happening in the world.

I can’t believe its been over a month since I posted. A lot has happened, but yet, nothing happened.

I’ve had a lot of trouble with the LAC company. They kept calling me trying to force me into a review I’m not ready for, 2 months earlier than scheduled. After 4 phone calls, they succeeded. I have a phone appointment with some nobody from the company I despise now and my good support coordinator who I demanded has to be included.

I even called the NDIA and told them I want his name added to my file so he can speak on my behalf.

Also, the unprofessional company who “has a contract with the government” keeps telling me I’m stuck with them and can not change. Bullshit! I called the NDIA and they said I can go to a different company. The one I chose is about an hours drive away, but I don’t care. I can drive there and go shopping as well or they can drive to my house.

I’m tired of being bullied by nobodies who think they know better and who are afraid of losing money. I know they think they can bully disabled people, but they’re not doing it to me.

I’m so afraid of losing my funding. I haven’t done anything yet and it might be cancelled next week. The SC said not to worry you won’t lose your funding, but I’m not sure.

Also, WTF do people keep just walking around like nothing has changed? Like China didn’t release all hell on the world. And acting like social distancing isn’t a thing. I wish social distancing was a law all the time.

And I can’t even start on what’s happening in America. People looting, destroying lives and terrorising innocent people. If I was religious, I would say it’s the end of days. But I’m not. I think this year alone, bushfires, Covid 19, riots, stupids jerks running loose, just prove that there’s no god and we are on our own.

Good news: I finally bought a bed. Yeah! I’m like a real person now. Sleeping up in the air, 50cms off the cold floor. Not having to lie on rags like a dog. Good times.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

So many things I miss, like going outside, or feeling happy, or talking to a nice person. Just simple things that NT’s take for granted but I seem to struggle with.
Covid 19 · Depression · Thoughts

I feel like I’m the only who is following quarantine rules

Seems that as soon as covid 19 closed everything, people became dumber and dogs discovered new skills of barking loudly.

I can imagine how tedious and claustrophobic prison would be.

I’m so stressed and can’t relax. I’m trying to do the right thing and stay in my house, but neighbours keep having visitors and parties. I want to report them but can’t find anything online.

I don’t feel like eating anything and find it hard to sleep. I really hate isolation. I didn’t go out much before, but at least it was an option. This really sucks. I keep thinking about bad things, and want this to be over.

I’m so stressed and depressed.

(c)ASD and me 2020.

Covid 19 · Thoughts

I thought I was having a heart attack

Friday 17th April 4.30pm: neighbours 5 houses up and across the road started blasting music again. Its the son who was friends with the drug dealers next door. It was very loud inside my house. This really infuriates me and I started stressing and feel pain in right side of chest.

6.30pm I’m panicking. I think I’m having a heart attack but I don’t know. Maybe over reacting. I don’t want to have heart problem but don’t want to catch Covid 19 either. So conflicted.

I know the heart muscles can be damaged, but I’m not sure and I’m scared to go the hospital.

6.35 pm: We left after that, bf drove me. We didn’t get home till about 9pm. It had a few people, but wasn’t overly crowded. All the nurses wore masks. Even a security guard wore a mask.

At first I was stressed because of the noise, baby screaming and woman complaining very loudly that she hadn’t had more than 20 minutes sleep in the last month and just wanted some relief. Maybe she could have some relief is she stopped talking.

And as usual, the paper curtains didn’t close properly and I was forced to change in to a gown that showed my bum crack.

The nurse who served me was a bit rough. I know that she may have been stressed, but she put the ECG stickers over my breasts and on my nipples. While I waited for the machine to read my heart beats, hoping it wasn’t damaged, my top half was on show. After she ripped the stickers off my nipples, she pulled up my gown for me.

Then she preceded to stab me with a Cannula needle and sticky tape it in my elbow. I have always had a fear of needles and pain, so I try to avoid them as much as possible.

I hate just sitting in the bed looking at a desk and hearing random noises. I was so glad when the nurse removed the Cannula needle and I was able to leave. She ripped of the sticky tape and gave me a free arm waxing which was very painful. I considered walking home, but it was late and really cold and I didn’t feel like getting mugged or frost bite so I called bf to pick me up.

Its Sunday now and I feel better. Even though I was afraid of catching Covid 19 and hospitals in general, I’m glad I was brave and went to the emergency room. I’m also glad I didn’t have a heart attack, just heartburn and stress like usual.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

I feel sick just looking at this.
2020 · Struggle · Thoughts

Update and stuff

A few things have changed so I thought I would blog about them. I still want to publish a book, but I know that won’t be until at least next year, or ever.

Its hard to write about things when you stay at home 99% of the time.

The NDIA changed some rules because of the corona virus, so now I can get a Support Coordinator. It only took the world to almost end before it happened, but I have one now so I’ll complain less.

I also was given a code so I can get priority grocery home delivery. I’m so happy that I no longer need to enter the supermarket and stay 2 metres from people. I can stay at home in my rat hole and have food delivered to me like a fancy person. Hopefully I can get the basics box like elderly people do.

I signed up to social media, but yesterday day regretted it, because some people are very quick to judge and to jump to conclusions. Its really annoying and frustrating for me, so I have blocked some people. I only have it for Corona, so when that’s over and I can go outside, it will be deleted.

I also had my periods, but this time I cried because I realised I was having a “Corona Period” and couldn’t leave the house.

Confession time: It’s not even Easter yet and I have eaten 4 choc bunnies and one one egg. I’m putting on my winter weight early. Gotta get that shiny coat.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

I can’t believe I didn’t come up with this.