Thoughts

Why am I depressed?

I watched an amazing TED talk yesterday by Johann Hari. He’s a writer, author and researcher and has published books on anxiety and depression.

It made me think about all the things that I’m depressed about in my life:

1. I had a huge argument with my LAC on the phone on Monday. We disagree about what her job role is and I had a panic attack, then she stared being rude to me and I was rude back. I said I will report her to the NDIA and she replied “please do” in a shitty attitude. I have never had a person, who was meant to have my best interest at heart, be so rude and have an awful attitude. She even yelled at me, so I hung up and cried.

Now I don’t know what to do. I asked the NDIA before if I could change to a different LAC and the man said he made an appointment for me, but nothing happened.

So now I’m super stressed because I really need a support partner and I have no idea what to do and no one to help me.

So I’m stuck again. Just makes me think, I went through year of stress and waiting and paper work for this?

2. My location. I hate where I live. If if it didn’t have shitty noisy idiots or drug dealers or people who neglect their dogs and let them bark all day, it would would be a nice quiet place. But sadly it does.

I keep looking for land and houses further out, so maybe I’ll strike gold and find somewhere nice. On flat ground with decent neighbours. Or no close neighbours would be good.

3. Health issues. I need to see a podiatrist to get my feet checked. Some times the arches ache so much that I can’t walk , which really sucks because I like walking and I need the exercise. I can’t go to a gym because they are ridiculously expensive are so noisy with that deafening music and the people all prancing around showing off their pecs and super tight stretchy clothing covered in sweat. (gross).

I’m sure there are a lot more reasons but these 3 are top of the list right now.

ASD and me 2019.

Johann Hari

 

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Thoughts

I found a hidden stash of pants

I thought I was done with the Kon – Mari’ing and the decluttering. I have been fussy about bringing new clothing into the house and have even given away things I thought I would keep, like an expensive dark green coat. I wore it a few times to check and see if it liked it; but I didn’t. It was long and a bit bulky and tight at the armpits if I wore a jumper underneath.

I bought new cotton pants for summer and spent $60 at Millers. I was excited because I found new colours that the previous line didn’t have. So I decided to go through my clothing again and cull the pants and things I didn’t need.

I had doubles and even triples of dark blue and black. I had a light tan that I don’t like, 2 different olives and a light lime green which I culled.

I know Aspies can have a habit of collecting, but I didn’t realise I do that until I saw all my extra pants.

Things I found:

New flat front cotton pants:

Black

Dark blue

pale grey

light blue

light tan

Olive green

White (which I plan to dye a dark plum wine colour. I might buy more of these to dye if the first one works out).

Tie string front cotton pants:

Brown

Black x3

pale green

Dark blue x 3

Linen pants from Aldi:

Dark blue

Polyester pants (that I keep only in case I work in an office again):

Dark blue slacks with beading

dark blue slacks with crystals

dark brown slacks from Katies

Also tracksuit pants:

Dark grey

light grey

Black

dark green

maroon

2 cotton scarves which I bought 3 of because they were on sale for $2 and I had never seen a cotton only scarf before. I need cotton because other material makes me irritated and sweaty. I can’t even wear my good alpaca scarf and beanies for too long. I also found some itchy wool thermal underwear I wore once but never will again, so they were culled.

I’m glad I gave these away. These extra clothing have been a bit of a burden, moving such large heavy bags. I only bought so many pairs because normally when I like clothing, then I go back to buy more, its sold out or discontinued. But the cotton pants have been out for many years now, so I don’t think Millers will stop selling them.

I’m afraid to look in other places for hidden clothing now. I just remembered I still need to check my suitcase.

©ASD and me 2019

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Thoughts

Art can help with anxiety.

I feel like I’ve been complaining a lot lately and I don’t want to punish my readers by taking my anger and frustration out on them, so I want to share this website I found.

It has amazing detailed drawings that the artist uses to help get through their anxiety.

https://www.atramentstudios.com/home

I used to draw things to help explain what I was thinking and feeling, but stopped. I have been doodling a bit, but I want to get back into it. Anxiety disorder is awful but I’m glad other people are exploring ways to manage and possibly cure their extreme anxiety disorders.

I wanted to display some of my drawings, but I don’t own a scanner. I don’t want to buy one just to scan a few pictures so if I remember, I’ll try to visit the library to use theirs.

ASD and me 2019.

look-at-van-go

Uncategorized

My overwhelmed brain

Adventures & Aspierations

This week has been a tough one for me. Actually it all started accumulating a couple of weeks ago when I really started struggling at work – it was all suddenly getting very overwhelming as I was forced to do things I hadn’t done before, work with people I hadn’t worked with before, and a certain situation just pushed me over the edge. One aspect of my Asperger’s is that I really struggle learning to do things with my hands or use any kind of tools, and it is almost impossible for me to repeat a motor task someone shows me. I actually recently learned that I almost 100% have dyspraxia, which is a developmental co-ordination disorder that affects co-ordination, spatial awareness and sensory perception, and it is closely related to my ASD diagnosis, meaning my brain just isn’t wired like the ‘normal’, neurotypical brain. I was told that since…

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How “The Golden Rule” Harms Autistic People

You read my mind with this post. The worst part is, when I try to walk away, sometimes people follow me.

Autistic Science Lady

[This post was originally posted at The Aspergian. For new posts from me, head to my author profile on The Aspergian.]

Miscommunication and misinterpretation of autistic people happens very early in life.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Or in modern language, “Treat other people as you would like to be treated.”

Everyone knows about The Golden Rule. Most people learn about it from a young age, either in school, or in church, or from their parents. But this rule is part of the reason why unintentional harm of autistic people starts so early in life and is so pervasive in our society.

When I’m having a shutdown, I’d prefer non-autistics to:

  1. not look me directly in the eyes
  2. not ask me what is wrong
  3. not expect me to answer them
  4. not tell me they know how I am feeling
  5. not hug me (hugging…

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Thoughts

More reasons not to take drugs

I just found out that Jordan Peterson has gone to rehab to help with withdraw symptoms after he stopped taking anti anxiety medicine. I’ve never met Jordan Peterson in real life, but I wanted to after seeing his interviews and buying his book. I really hope he recovers.

I’ve been called paranoid in the past and I’ve even felt it, but I feel now that my feeling were right. Mind altering drugs, whether legal or illegal, or dangerous. I’ve always been afraid of them, and now, I have even more reason to run away from them.

I’m even afraid of taking medical marijuana, since I’ve heard it can bring out schizophrenia. Its in my family, and I have Autism, so who knows what else is hidden in there?

I took an antidepressant once, half a pill, and it made my head feel like I had a hangover. And that was half a pill. I threw them out and haven’t taken any since and never will again.

Don’t let anyone pressure you into taking medicine or dugs you don’t want.

Don’t let doctors or anyone else pressure you either. You have the right to say no or you want to do some research first before taking any drug.

If you are afraid of what effect drugs will have on you, like I am, try a book called Feeling good by David Burns. Also try CBT which is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I’ve tried it and it makes you keep a diary of thoughts so you can keep track of your bad habits and patterns. All drug free.

ASD and me 2019.

try-penicillin_o_61456

Thoughts

I don’t like antibiotics now

I saw another doctor on Monday, she said that hearing lose left untreated can lead to Dementia. So great, another thing to worry about. I think I’ll make her my main doctor from now on. I’ll call and make appointments with her since she was nice and I could understand her and she didn’t have a strong accent.

I’m also NEVER taking antibiotics again! I had Amoxicillin for what I thought was another ear infection, then another doctor said that’s the wrong one, but I Internet searched it and its for lots of things.

He gave me Metronide. That made me feel dizzy, sick, weak, hot like I had a fever but I didn’t have a fever and other side effects. Turns out, not an ear infection, just a “sore throat which is nothing and will go away on it own.” I feel I’ve had this sore throat for almost 2 years now.

I’m going for an allergy test today which will cost $290. We had to take the money from our mortgage account to pay for it. We’ve never done that before, but I feel I really need it. After this, no more doctors. I’m so sick of seeing doctors and wasting money, and taking pills and side effects and just feeling shitty. I want to work and sell paintings and travel and other things, not be stuck at home watching YouTube and doing endless online courses.

I had to change my appointment with the psychologist till the end of October so I could see the allergy doctor. I’m so glad that the NDIS will pay for her appointments.

I’m so tired of feeling bad. When did this start? I can’t even remember a time when I was well. I don’t care what I’m allergic to, I will live on baby food for the rest of my life if it makes me feel well and I can function normally.

© ASD and me 2019

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