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Does anyone else have dream crushes?

I guess everyone knows what a crush. I keep daydreaming about men I see online and celebrities. I have a bf, but since the lock down we’ve been getting on each others nerves and arguing far more than normal. Is this why I’ve been daydreaming more than usual? I don’t know. I feel more lonely and trapped and claustrophobic and helpless though.

Its sounds silly, since I should know better. But I can’t help but think about being with a celebrity, like Robert Downey Junior or a Youtuber called Legal Eagle. My life is okay. I have all the physical things I need, but bf and I disagree on a lot of things. I want to move to a house with some land and he says he does but won’t help me look. This stupid not going out and staying home is making me crazy. More than usual.

I’m trying to finish a online course in film and media so hopefully I can find work or traineeship afterwards. I hate being poor and living in a shitty house and neighbourhood.

My dream crushes are vivid sometimes. I can imagine our house, if we have pets or children, our bedroom behavior. ( I’m always amazing).

I also want a cowboy. I’ve never met a real cowboy, but I look up pictures of them and My face goes red. Its even happen to men Ive met in real life and its embarrassing. My day dreams are better than my real life. Hopefully when I finish the course, winter will be over, covid 19 will be cured and I can finally be happy.

Or at least not sad or anxious anymore.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

In dreams you’re mine…
Covid 19 · NDIS · Struggle · Thoughts

WTF is happening in the world.

I can’t believe its been over a month since I posted. A lot has happened, but yet, nothing happened.

I’ve had a lot of trouble with the LAC company. They kept calling me trying to force me into a review I’m not ready for, 2 months earlier than scheduled. After 4 phone calls, they succeeded. I have a phone appointment with some nobody from the company I despise now and my good support coordinator who I demanded has to be included.

I even called the NDIA and told them I want his name added to my file so he can speak on my behalf.

Also, the unprofessional company who “has a contract with the government” keeps telling me I’m stuck with them and can not change. Bullshit! I called the NDIA and they said I can go to a different company. The one I chose is about an hours drive away, but I don’t care. I can drive there and go shopping as well or they can drive to my house.

I’m tired of being bullied by nobodies who think they know better and who are afraid of losing money. I know they think they can bully disabled people, but they’re not doing it to me.

I’m so afraid of losing my funding. I haven’t done anything yet and it might be cancelled next week. The SC said not to worry you won’t lose your funding, but I’m not sure.

Also, WTF do people keep just walking around like nothing has changed? Like China didn’t release all hell on the world. And acting like social distancing isn’t a thing. I wish social distancing was a law all the time.

And I can’t even start on what’s happening in America. People looting, destroying lives and terrorising innocent people. If I was religious, I would say it’s the end of days. But I’m not. I think this year alone, bushfires, Covid 19, riots, stupids jerks running loose, just prove that there’s no god and we are on our own.

Good news: I finally bought a bed. Yeah! I’m like a real person now. Sleeping up in the air, 50cms off the cold floor. Not having to lie on rags like a dog. Good times.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

So many things I miss, like going outside, or feeling happy, or talking to a nice person. Just simple things that NT’s take for granted but I seem to struggle with.
Covid 19 · Depression · Thoughts

I feel like I’m the only who is following quarantine rules

Seems that as soon as covid 19 closed everything, people became dumber and dogs discovered new skills of barking loudly.

I can imagine how tedious and claustrophobic prison would be.

I’m so stressed and can’t relax. I’m trying to do the right thing and stay in my house, but neighbours keep having visitors and parties. I want to report them but can’t find anything online.

I don’t feel like eating anything and find it hard to sleep. I really hate isolation. I didn’t go out much before, but at least it was an option. This really sucks. I keep thinking about bad things, and want this to be over.

I’m so stressed and depressed.

(c)ASD and me 2020.

Covid 19 · Thoughts

I thought I was having a heart attack

Friday 17th April 4.30pm: neighbours 5 houses up and across the road started blasting music again. Its the son who was friends with the drug dealers next door. It was very loud inside my house. This really infuriates me and I started stressing and feel pain in right side of chest.

6.30pm I’m panicking. I think I’m having a heart attack but I don’t know. Maybe over reacting. I don’t want to have heart problem but don’t want to catch Covid 19 either. So conflicted.

I know the heart muscles can be damaged, but I’m not sure and I’m scared to go the hospital.

6.35 pm: We left after that, bf drove me. We didn’t get home till about 9pm. It had a few people, but wasn’t overly crowded. All the nurses wore masks. Even a security guard wore a mask.

At first I was stressed because of the noise, baby screaming and woman complaining very loudly that she hadn’t had more than 20 minutes sleep in the last month and just wanted some relief. Maybe she could have some relief is she stopped talking.

And as usual, the paper curtains didn’t close properly and I was forced to change in to a gown that showed my bum crack.

The nurse who served me was a bit rough. I know that she may have been stressed, but she put the ECG stickers over my breasts and on my nipples. While I waited for the machine to read my heart beats, hoping it wasn’t damaged, my top half was on show. After she ripped the stickers off my nipples, she pulled up my gown for me.

Then she preceded to stab me with a Cannula needle and sticky tape it in my elbow. I have always had a fear of needles and pain, so I try to avoid them as much as possible.

I hate just sitting in the bed looking at a desk and hearing random noises. I was so glad when the nurse removed the Cannula needle and I was able to leave. She ripped of the sticky tape and gave me a free arm waxing which was very painful. I considered walking home, but it was late and really cold and I didn’t feel like getting mugged or frost bite so I called bf to pick me up.

Its Sunday now and I feel better. Even though I was afraid of catching Covid 19 and hospitals in general, I’m glad I was brave and went to the emergency room. I’m also glad I didn’t have a heart attack, just heartburn and stress like usual.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

I feel sick just looking at this.
2020 · Struggle · Thoughts

Update and stuff

A few things have changed so I thought I would blog about them. I still want to publish a book, but I know that won’t be until at least next year, or ever.

Its hard to write about things when you stay at home 99% of the time.

The NDIA changed some rules because of the corona virus, so now I can get a Support Coordinator. It only took the world to almost end before it happened, but I have one now so I’ll complain less.

I also was given a code so I can get priority grocery home delivery. I’m so happy that I no longer need to enter the supermarket and stay 2 metres from people. I can stay at home in my rat hole and have food delivered to me like a fancy person. Hopefully I can get the basics box like elderly people do.

I signed up to social media, but yesterday day regretted it, because some people are very quick to judge and to jump to conclusions. Its really annoying and frustrating for me, so I have blocked some people. I only have it for Corona, so when that’s over and I can go outside, it will be deleted.

I also had my periods, but this time I cried because I realised I was having a “Corona Period” and couldn’t leave the house.

Confession time: It’s not even Easter yet and I have eaten 4 choc bunnies and one one egg. I’m putting on my winter weight early. Gotta get that shiny coat.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

I can’t believe I didn’t come up with this.
Thoughts

Watch this video

Hello readers, I didn’t realise it had been weeks since I posted, so to give myself a break from endless Youtube, Amazon and the new Animal Crossing, I’ll write about something.

I’m not even sure what to write. All my ambitions about this blog have gone out the window so now, I don’t know how I feel, I don’t want to try and find out because I don’t want to cry again or panic. I already cried at the supermarket because they didn’t have the cheese I needed.

I need to find a hobby, so I thought I would buy some fabric to make an apron. But then I remembered social distancing is a thing now and I can’t leave my house. I don’t even want to go out in my backyard because the weather is unpredictable here.

I can’t even finish my online course because I don’t know what to do. I can only speak to the tutor for 1 hour on Mondays, then I can only email her. I’ve really lost motivation for everything and its still only march.

What can I do?

I get really annoyed and frustrated when I see brats running wild in the street. I even saw a boy wearing a mask and that really pissed me off and it took me ages to calm down. I can’t watch news because it makes me sad or angry and that makes my anxiety worse.

I also need to stop looking at things online I want to buy but can’t. I made a wishlist on Big W and Best and less websites for things I may want to buy if the weather is good enough for me to drive 1 hour on the highway to get to these shops. Maybe the library will be open and I can borrow some books.

I watched a great video by Chelsea Fagan from The Financial Diet about staying sane, so if you need some help, go watch it.

(c)ASD and me 2020.

Frustrated Aspie · NDIS · Thoughts

I still have no idea what’s happening

I just wrote a complaint letter to the LAC company. It took me over an hour to write and I kept editing, cutting, moving, retyping, to make sure it was as good as I can get it. I guess I can make it better but I wanted to send it because I had bad sleep last night and it was on my mind this morning when I was woken early.

I hate the LAC and the company. I have no idea why the NDIA won’t cancel my contract with them and go with someone else. They say it is up to us what providers we choose, then why can’t I change?

I’m just meant to be grateful with the crumbs that are thrown my way. I know I’ve said that before, but its true. I really feel like they don’t care. I’m trapped and I need help. But when I ask for it I’m denied, or told I already have “enough” or that I don’t qualify for more help.

I’m so tired of this. Thinking of it makes my brain exhausted and I can’t make a proper thought. The fog thickens and the bees start buzzing louder and I can’t see or hear above the din.

I doubt the LAC company will do anything about my complaint. These companies are usually incompetent, so I’m not holding my breath for a miracle.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

Thoughts

Put down the toilet paper and back away

I went shopping a week ago at Woollies and noticed that the toilet paper isle was empty. I was walking through the isle with a trolley on my way to the tills and thought that it was strange but didn’t really think about it. They had some items not back in stock yet during the bushfires, so I didn’t worry about it.

When I arrived home, I told BF that Woollies shelves were empty of toilet paper. He said it was lucky I bought a large bag of it last week. I thought of writing about this last week, but have been keeping busy moving furniture around and cleaning, vacuuming a bit, going through and writing lists of winter clothing I own and painting 2 canvasses with bushfire scenes.

On Sunday, I saw a YouTube video by and Australian comedian named Isaac Butterfield. He had made a video about the toilet paper crises, know as Toilet paper gate.

People fighting, pulling knives, now a shop even had to hire security , not to stop people stealing from the store, just to stand by piles of bog roll and what, stop people stabbing eachother?

Remember its just toilet paper, bog roll, shitter paper, shit tickets. Do you really want to to be arrested and have a permanent criminal record over a fight with someone for an arse napkin?

Here are some alternatives:

  • Rags that you wash in boiling water and Dettol or disinfectant.
  • A small amount of tissues (but don’t flush them, put in a bin).
  • Have a bidet installed.
  • Newspaper
  • Magazine pages or spam pamphlets.
  • A cat litter tray (cats use it, so why can’t we?)
  • Corn cob husks (the leaf part that gets pulled off)
  • A4 paper or computer printer paper. Why recycle when you can use it? If it has confidential information, then all the better. No one will want to steal or even touch the paper afterwards.
  • A “Bum gun” or a water sprayer that connects to your toilet and is like a hand held Bidet.
  • A sponge that can be washed or burned. Possibly on a stick.
  • Cardboard tubes
  • Cotton balls or flat round wipes used for make up.
  • Snow. I read this and don’t see how this is possible, but if you’re desperate…
  • Rope? I read sailors and pirates used to use it.
  • Banana leaves or soft leaves with out thorns or prickles.
  • The leaves that are really soft like rabbit ears.
  • Old receipts. Just make sure you don’t need to keep these for a return.

If you do find yourself in a confrontation with a crazy person fighting you over toilet paper, just let them have it. Seriously, its really not worth your safety and sanity. Just drop the toilet paper, or bag of rice or whatever it is on the ground or put it on a shelf and walk away. Tell the staff in the shop what happened then leave and go home.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/gad

https://www.sbs.com.au/topics/voices/health/article/2020/03/03/why-people-living-anxiety-are-struggling-cope-coverage-coronavirus?cid=inbody:the-internet-on-australias-toiletpapergate

https://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/when-how-handwashing.html

Thoughts

You Tube videos I like

I haven’t been feeling the best lately and don’t know what to write. I don’t want to just complain about everything, so I took a break from blogging.

I had my birthday, then other things happened and now I’m struggling to get through summer. I have no plans for the future. Since the diagnosis, I feel that I’ve been in exile from myself or something. I’m not the person I was before, I’m a different person who is struggling with shit I used to be able to deal with.

Who am I now?

I have no life raft, no routine, and now, nothing from the NDIA. I have no idea what the hell is happening since the their last phone call made me cry. All I can think of doing is watching videos.

I watch a lot of You Tube and have found some channels I really enjoy watching and wanted to share some with my readers:

Foo the flower horn: Beautiful videos about a fish who lives in a tank with plants.

Ask a mortician: Answers all your questions about death and the funeral process.

Fish whisperer: Cool videos of fish and turtles being fed.

Sean Hogan: I recently found this channel. A man finds sounds and makes songs with them.

Captain Disillusion: Funny debunking videos from the Internet.

The Minimalists: I found these two through a Netflix documentary. I’ve become a bit of a minimalist myself, but mainly because I really hate clutter, excess cleaning and wasting money. I also find clutter, chaos and mess very stressful and over whelming.

Fluffee: A Canadian man comments on funny photos from the Internet.

Jessica Kellgren – Fozard: Is a disabled woman who makes videos on a wide range of topics.

The Outsider: He built a log cabin with his father in the Canadian woods. This is what I really want to do.

My self reliance: Another channel where a Canadian man builds a log cabin and walks around in the snow.

Tito the raccoon: A man who has a raccoon for a pet.

Elvis the Alien: An American man who make funny commentary about silly you tube videos.

Sgt Ducky: An Irish man make videos about things that annoy him.

Grade A under a: English man who used to make funny stick figure videos. Hopefully he’ll make more soon.

Rachel Maksy: Woman who make tutorials on vintage fashion.

Isaac Butterfield: Australian comedian.

Momma Doctor Jones: An OBGYN doctor who talks about health issues.

Chicken on a raft: I’m normally not into obscure things, but for some reason I love the original version of this song and the video. I found it many years ago. Just to warn you, this song is very catchy.

These are the ones I can think of now, but there’s lots more.

I’ve been wanting to make my own channel for years now, but I’m insecure about showing my face on the Internet. I guess that says a lot about my lack of confidence and self esteem.

(c)ASD plus me 2020.