Only so many times I can complain about…

I didn’t realise that my blog was mainly complaining about negative things that have happened to me. I didn’t want it to be this way, but since I’m isolated and have no friends, (despite all my efforts and going very far out of my way, sometimes to just be used), I have no one else to talk to. I only see my psychologist once a month and I don’t want to burden my bf more than I already do.

Honestly, I never actually thought I would have actual followers. I’ve had many blogs and YouTube channels, but I’ve always been invisible, so thank you to the people who follow and read my blog. I only started this blog for something o do, but now I’m glad because I might meet new people.

I’ve been meaning to make more posts about food I like, food I eat, cooking, teaching myself how to sew from internet articles, YouTube videos and books I borrowed from the library.

Some quick updates:

•  I called the NDIS 2 weeks ago and they said I’ve been approved, so now I just need to wait for the agency to call me for the second meeting. I really would like to meet people my own age and maybe do some charity work or something meaningful with the time I have left.

•  I still really want to move to a different area, preferably quieter, with less houses that aren’t so cramped together. I want to live on flat ground, not a mountain side. We have a great view of the clouds, but a drive way that’s impossible for me to park in and difficult for me to drive out of.  I would love to live in Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls. I don’t know if small towns like that even exist in Australia.

•  I keep saying I’ll give up trying to make friends, but I keep doing it and keep failing. miserably. Last Thursday I attended an art group I had been to many times before. The class is mainly elderly church women and I think I’m the youngest (in my 40s). The women are nice, but I wish they wouldn’t make lunch plans in front of the class if all of the class aren’t invited. Its just rude and really hurtful to me. I ended up crying in my car afterwards. Then my bf called and I cried to him. He said these people are toxic and have no lives. This has happened before, but I keep returning, listening to peoples boring endless stories about wearing an onion on their belt which was a style at the time…

Why do I keep punishing myself? I want friends so badly, I guess I scare them away with my desperation. Is it me? I try to be nice, I try to contribute ideas etc, but I can’t break down the wall between us I guess. I know I should stop trying. Hopefully in the future things will change and get better.

(c) ASD and me 2019not-a-runner-now-you-are-motivational-memes

 

 

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My Autism is not going to be cured so stop asking me to prove it exists!

I have been trying to sign up to an online course and it is, of course, difficult and frustrating.

I already sent my paper work in last year, and was approved and have been enrolled, but then I wanted  to transfer.  And get help from a Councillor.

You would think that being disabled, they would make it easy for me to enroll.

But no.

When I call, its the stupid automated dialing system where you need to choose options and “Press 1”.

The first time I called, it didn’t work and there was no hold music, so I hung up and tried again. Then I was finally able to get through to a human, they needed to transfer me and force me to wait 3 minutes for someone on the other end.

This new person, although polite, told me that I needed to fill out more forms to PROOVE my disability  status.

I really wanted to scream!

So to this company, and everyone else, listen up:

1. There is no cure for autism!

2. There never will be.

3. There doesn’t need to be a cure; there is NOTHING wrong with us!

4. I really do not  want to talk about my Autism, especially to some random person on the phone.

5. Stop asking me to prove that I have it EVERY SINGLE TIME I want to study!

6. Just tick the fucking box, so I can get on with my life and stop discussing my very private health issues with strangers over the phone.

I’m going to say this again: THERE IS NO CURE FOR AUTISM!

Do not believe what some crazy trouble making bitch said on her blog, she did not cure her son’s Autism. The best you can do is get an allergy test for your child, or yourself and adjust your diet.

I am so fed up and exhausted by this shit. I just wanted to learn something to help me start a small business so I can work from home and not have to go through the agony and bullshit that are modern job interviews.

That may be my next post.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

 

They said yes!

The NDIS called me yesterday and said I was accepted.

I have an appointment on the 2nd of July.

They also send me paperwork to fill in and take with me to the appointment.

My head is filled with thoughts, but they are like a hurricane, so it hard to sort through them to write down and record. It sounds like a lot of bees buzzing in a hive.

I just hope they can actually help me recover. I really hate being depressed, anxious, helpless. It has robbed me of most of my life, so hopefully now I can reclaim it and he healthier and happier.

Even if not happier, just not sad would be good.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

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Online book club

Its freezing cold winter here in Australia, so I’ve been staying inside with the fire place burning and reading more (when I’m not watching a scary amount of YouTube and Netflix).

I finished the first two Rosie books and am onto the third. I also found an interesting book on Amazon called “Alice” by Christina Henry.

I’ll be reading these two books, so if anyone wants to read along with me then discuss in the comments below, please feel free to do so.

(c)ASD and me 2019.

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Alice Christina-Henry-cover-197x300

Help card

I’ve been teaching myself how to use GIMP software and made my own Help card. I saw one on a blog, and thought it was a good idea, so decided to make my own.

help card 2

I also made this stamp, just in case anyone needs it:

sane

Please feel free to print these out and use as much as you need.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Woken once again by noise

It’s 3 am and I’m awake. Again. Being kept awake and woken up by the barking muts next door. It truly unbelievable the shitty garbage I have to put up with from noisy idiots.

It’s really cold here, I’m shivering, but I can’t sleep. My fingers don’t work properly enough to type, but I still want to get my thoughts down.

My thought are a jumbled mess and its hard to type a coherent sentence, but I’m not giving up.  I’ve had enough of shitty behaviour from lower than cow shit idiots. I called the council again. I must be sleep deprived, but I thought it was a bit funny that when I call them they answer good morning, even though its 3 am. I guess it is morning but I haven’t slept yet.

I tried to call lifeline, but I chickened out. I don’t want to take someone away from a person who actually needs it. I’m not suicidal, just furious, hurt, upset, freezing, numb, confused and a bunch of other emotions, like an avalanche of emotions, sliding down a mountain and I’m caught, trapped, being dragged down with them.

I really wanted to speak to someone and confess loudly “I have ASD!” but I hung up. I still can’t bring myself to say it. It doesn’t feel like it me, I can’t have that. I don’t want it, I want to be normal and have a normal job and normal legs and hair and not be me, be someone who is normal. Even when I look in the mirror sometimes, I don’t feel like its me, I feel like I see someone else.

But I am me. Alone. Typing into a bright screen at 3 30 am.

(c)ASD and me 2019.

Still waiting to hear back from the NDIS

I know I only send my paperwork in one and a half weeks ago, and I know it takes about 30 days to receive a reply, but I’m anxious. I really need help and I’m hoping they say yes. This time I applied, I gave evidence from two psychologists and I’m hoping that’s enough to get government assistance.

I imagine there will be a glowing door way, with angel singing, and I’m welcomed through to a room full of Low FOD Map food made especially for me. Its the perfect temperature for me, not hot but not freezing. Its quiet, except for crickets chirping in the background.

Hopefully they will say yes. I won’t worry about what I’ll do if they say no just yet.

(c) ASD and me 2019