Tag: Thoughts

Posted in Anxiety, Frustrated Aspie, Thoughts

More stress, hassle and anxiety

Posted on by Private Person

I called my LAC (Local Area coordinator) today who was meant to be supporting me with my NDIS plan. She isn’t. So I called the NDIS to ask if I could change and I couldn’t understand some things the man on the phone said. Something like they aren’t responsible for my case because they gave it to the LAC, or something.

When he put me on hold I cried. I tried to stop. I told myself just wait until the call is finished then I can cry as much as I want to. When he came back, he said my LAC company would call me back. I really hope they do. If they don’t, I’ll call the NDIS back again tomorrow.

I can’t believe I’ve had my plan for more than a month and almost nothing has happened. I’m so tired of my time being wasted and being disappointed by people letting me down. I just want help to recover. I’m not asking for miracles, just some nice encouraging words and some helpful actions.

©ASD and me 2019

Posted in Frustrated Aspie, Thoughts

I’m so disappointed

Posted on by Private Person

After the cleaning woman left on Monday, I started getting ready. It was almost 1pm when I tried to start the car. It just made gargle noises. I tried a few more times, but nothing. Bf came out to test the car and it didn’t like him either, so he had to get the battery charger from the garage.

I cried for a while because I was really looking forward to meeting some women at the group, but I missed it. It made me think, is this some sign from the universe, warning me not to go? Or is it just a flat battery. If so, how did it go flat? It worked fine yesterday. I have no idea. Thinking too much hurts my head and makes me cry more.

I looked on the NDIS website and found a 399 page PDF document with all the registered NDIS providers for NSW. At least, the title says NSW, but there are other state as well. Its difficult to read because of the tiny font.

It seems like I have hit a brick wall again. I made 2 phone calls, 1 email and 1 message, but no replies yet. Hopefully this new place I sent an email to will call within 24 hours as they claim to on their website.

Update: Its 2 days later. They haven’t. How can someone not reply to a call or message from a client when that is their job?

©ASD plus me 2019™

Posted in Thoughts

Don’t blame me for your mistakes

Posted on by Private Person

The woman who runs the cleaning company called me Friday and was rude. I knew something would happen when the cleaner worked overtime, but I didn’t think the owner would be rude to me.

She had a tone in her voice, like it was my fault the cleaner stayed half an hour longer because I made her or something. Or that I was trying to get “free cleaning” or something. The cleaner should have had a timer or something.

She was hostile and angry on the phone. I can’t believe it. And she was very judgemental. She complained I had too may dishes to wash in the kitchen and why can’t my husband clean some dishes and help out? There are 2 people living there. How fucking dare she judge me and my situation. She is paid to have staff clean my house, not judge clients houses.

I’m thinking that I’ll speak to my agency and fire this rude woman. I honestly can not believe that she would try to blame me for her mistake.

I was blown away and shocked that she spoke that way to me on the phone. I should have told her off, but I was tired and wasn’t expecting to be attacked by a rude bully.

I now see why the NDIS made the rule that WE, as the client, can pick who we want as a provider.

I don’t care how well the cleaner was at her job, I’m so tired of bullies blaming me for their mistakes. If she makes a fuss and tries to bully me and not be fired, it will still happen.

I’ve never fired anyone before and I don’t like conflict, but I need to stand up for myself and not be bullied anymore. I’m not high school anymore and haven’t been for a very long time.

Its Monday and the cleaner came again and left on time. Once again, she didn’t rinse the dishes, so I will need to wash them to remove all the suds before they dry. This really just makes more work for me, when they are meant to be making less work. Don’t know if I have the energy or even the fucks to give at the moment. I feel exhausted so will just try to rest and not worry about it.

Edit: the cleaner left early a few times, but I was still charged for 2 hours, wasn’t I?

©ASD and me 2019™

Posted in Depression, Thoughts

Depression comes at strange times

Posted on by Private Person

Today I did some chores. I went to a company to ask if they can help me, nothing so far, but I’m not being messed around. I don’t want to waste anymore time, so if they can’t, I’ll say don’t worry, I’ll find someone else. I still hate making phone calls, but I still need help so am being forced to do it.

After that, I went to the Barber for a haircut. I like the woman who works there with her Father. I started thinking that she’s lucky she gets to work with her Dad. I can’t imagine working with mine, he has a mental illness as well, and living with him was never easy. It was difficult to avoid his mood swings and anger. I was always worried he’d find something to scream at me for, so I used to hide in my room most of the time to stay away from him.

I don’t know why I was thinking of these things during a hair trim, but tears filled my eyes and before I realised it I was crying. I couldn’t wipe the tears away because I was wearing the cape thing they put around your neck to keep the hair off your clothing. The tears fell down my face and saw in the mirror that my face was red. When she cut the front, I was so afraid she would see the tears and ask what was wrong. The shop was full of men waiting for their haircuts, but thankfully, she didn’t notice or say anything. If she did I was ready with an excuse of “I think I have hair in my eyes.”

I really hate having depression, anxiety disorder and social anxiety. Its already hard for me to leave the house and go out in public. I really do not want or need depression being a bully and forcing me to think about surprising things that will make me anxious, especially at times when I’m trying to appear normal and do normal things, like having a haircut.

I don’t know why I had those thoughts and cried. I just sent my dad some things from Amazon for fathers day, so I’d say out relationship is okay.

©ASD and me 2019™

Posted in Thoughts

The cleaner came today.

Posted on by Private Person

I wrote this yesterday (Monday) morning.

I have the cleaner coming over at 10am. I wonder what it will be like. I’ve never had someone clean for me while I don’t clean as well, except for my mum and boyfriend.

I have a cleaner in my house as I write and its a strange feeling. I keep peeking around the corner a bit too see what she’s doing. I can hear noises of dishes touching and pans clanging. I don’t think she’s doing a bad job, I actually feel a bit sorry for her. I’m expecting her to do things I can’t and won’t want to do my self.

I felt a bit lazy and guilty when she came in. I was a bit embarrassed by the messy cluttered state of my kitchen. I’m glad she didn’t judge me, because I would have cried. I don’t want it to be this way; I hate it! I try to clean, but its never enough. I feel like I’m always cleaning but its always the same level of mess. I even did Konmarie method of decluttering and gave away a lot of things, but its still messy.

I don’t know if I should ask her if she wants a drink of water or something. Its a women in my house, who isn’t my friend, but isn’t family or a doctor. I normally don’t allow strangers into my house, but, she does have the companies name embroidered on her work shirt.

I just looked at the time. Its 12.30 and she just left. She was meant to finish at 12pm. I don’t know what will happen now. I hope the company calls me so we can discuss the overtime.

Anyway, my house is looking a lot cleaner than it has in a long time. She was a magician to be able to remove all the cat hair from the rugs. For the first time, I’m grateful that the NDIS has accepted my application and I can get help.

I called another place earlier to get Community Access, so someone can take me places and they said they can help me find a occupational therapist, so that would be great. I can’t find one on my own.

I’m going shopping now to get a few things, then I’ll come back and fold washing, then put the clean dishes away in my now clean kitchen.

(c) ASD and me 2019

Posted in Thoughts

I guess help is what I make of it.

Posted on by Private Person

After my panic attack on Friday, I feel better. I thought about why I was upset and anxious and I don’t want to feel that way anymore. This won’t stop me from feeling it, but, I want to try and be more positive now.

Bf reminded me that I’m way in front of where I was a year ago. I was just calling the NDIS this time last year to apply for the first time, and now, I’ve been accepted.

I think one of the reasons why I was so anxious and distraught, was that I was hoping for a “cure”. I’ve spent my whole life, trying to find a way to “fit in” or “be normal” or “be cured”. I was hoping more than I realised, that that was one thing I was hoping to get from the NDIS funding.

But now I think about it, its ridiculous and ignorant of me to think that I need a cure or can get a cure from an agency of people who have never met me and only have a few letters from doctors.

I had a cleaner from a cleaning company inspect my house and send me a quote today, so maybe things will turn out well. I just need to not put tonnes of pressure and expectations on things then get crushed by disappointment when things don’t turnout exactly perfect like they were in my thoughts.

I also need to focus on more important things, like recording more videos for my ASMR YouTube channel. I only have one video so far, but I want to make more. I’ve been trying to record audio, but it’s hard to get clean sound with no talking or traffic.

©ASD plus me 2019.

Posted in ASD

Adrift on a sea of confusion

Posted on by Private Person

So far, I’m not impressed  and I’m very disappointed with the NDIS. I thought I would have a schedule or timetable already organised for me so I wouldn’t have to run around and do everything myself as always. I was getting excited about having things planned for me. Were my dreams finally coming true? Was I actually going to get the help I desperately needed and wanted?

No. All I have are some A4 sheets of paper with a lot if numbers and words.

It hasn’t helped me. In fact, its made me more stressed. I saw my psychologist yesterday and  she doesn’t know what to do either, said I should call the agency for help. She didn’t even know if her payment is covered by the NDIS or if I need to get another Mental Health Plan.

Honestly, if I could find a job or clean my house or do any normal thing by myself, why the hell would I ask for help? I hate asking for help, especially strangers and double especially on the phone.

I’m even more stressed now and crying as I type, because, I have “money” allocated to me, but have no idea what to do with it. And I’m afraid if I don’t use it, then it will be taken away and I’ll be worse off than before.

I called one number to ask for help, and now I’m done. My energy is gone and I want to just go back to bed, but I can’t because my house is a mess. I’m still on antibiotics and feel like shit. Everything hurts, everything is a huge effort.

I feel like I should go live in a cave sometimes. Or a cabin in the woods like Walden. if only…

I thought having government assistance would help me. Maybe in the future things will be better, more organised, less stressful and I’ll look back on this and laugh about my crazy time when I had debilitating mental illness. But for now, I’m lost in a turbulent ocean with no life raft.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Food allergies, Frustrated Aspie, Thoughts

Trying to get by but sick again.

Posted on by Private Person

My letter from the NDIS came on Friday, so I can let my letterbox go back to growing spider webs now. I called this morning and have an appointment for 3pm today. I’m curious to see what they have set up for me. Or maybe I need to tell them what I want, I don’t know, I’ll just wait and see.

I also have been Ill so had to visit the doctor again. I have an ear infection, again, so I need antibiotics, again. I went to a pharmacy called Blooms. I don’t like them, I think their prices are expensive, but I didn’t have time or the energy to take a long train trip to get to a cheaper pharmacy.

Normally, I find loud music and radio shops play very annoying, but this day, I thought it could have been dangerous. I have allergies, so the pharmacist have to ask me about them, which is a good thing, I want them to ask me about my allergies. But what I don’t want, is  to be deafened by loud music or radio while trying to ask if maybe this medicine could possibly kill me.

I say this a lot, but how is this a thing that happens? I get shops playing music. If you by vitamins, you probably won’t die if you eat too much kale powder, but if you can’t hear your pharmacist tell you not to take this medicine with kale powder, or not to use heavy machinery, or other helpful things,  and I can’t hear the, whose fault it that?

Some could argue that I should just “go somewhere else”, but no, that’s exclusion bullying. I need medicine, the pharmacy has been given a license by the Australian Government, so legally, I can use any pharmacy and they can’t discriminate against me.

Don’t they have a legal obligation to make sure their client knows how to take the medicine they have been issued correctly, and also warn of any side effects?

I’m truly stuck. I don’t want to purchase from Blooms, but its easier than going to the main street and fighting for parking, or climbing mountains just to get to a shop to save a few dollars. If they turned the radio and music off completely, I wouldn’t mind going in as much, but after last time, I’m not impressed.

(I just remembered that at some train stations they plain classical music to scare people away, especially teens. Is this what shops are doing?)

Leave a comment if you have had the same situation and tell me who you think the music is for? The clients (hint: its not) or the staff?

© ASD and me 2019

Posted in Thoughts

Thanks to my 20 followers

Posted on by Private Person

I just saw that I have 20 followers and wanted to thank everyone for reading my blog.

I have so much I want to write about and lots of photos, but sometimes I’m too tired to write or edit photos.

I’m still waiting to hear from the NDIS. Every time the Postman rides past, I have to look out the window and check the letterbox for my letter. Hopefully it will arrive soon.

And winter is over in a few weeks, so there will be no more snow. When it warms up, I’ll try to record more sounds to make a YouTube channel with.

But thanks 🙂

©ASD and me 2019.

Posted in #No cure needed, Thoughts

I had a good experience in Target (for once).

Posted on by Private Person

No, that’s not a typo; I actually didn’t hate Target when I shopped there last week. I went to Big W first, and as usual, it set my Tinnitus off, so I looked quickly, but they only had ugly coral coloured lamps for sale. So I left. I was leaving the centre, when I saw Target. I don’t remember ever entering that Target location, but I really wanted a new desk lamp, so I crossed the threshold into the darkness…

No, it wasn’t that bad. The music was loud, but I was able to find the lamp my bf had, then I saw a smaller lamp for $12, that’s an even better price, so I grabbed that. Then I saw pillows for $12, so I grabbed one of those.

I went through the self service check out and didn’t noticed that the rack had no bags. I asked the staff and she said they are 15 cents now. I looked in my purse, but didn’t have change. The women looked around then said just take one, its only 15c.”

I said “are you sure? Thank you”.

That one small act of kindness, has changed my mind about that Target location. Its also so much closer to the train station and the frozen yoghurt shop, so maybe I’ll shop there instead of walking the ends of the Earth to get to Big W.

I learned something these past few months:

1. Ask the staff who is at the entrance if they sell what you’re looking for. If they don’t, then you don’t need to waste time going in.

2. Look online first to see if the shop actually sells what you want.

3. If you have a catalogue, take it with you to show staff what you want. It’s so much easier to show a picture, than to describe that you want a steam inhaler bottle, no its like that large one for babies, but this is a bottle. A bit like a babies bottle, but you put eucalyptus oil in and hot water and it makes steam to inhale. (That’s an actual conversation I had).

4. Some companies advertise that they will match a competitors price, so make them do that. Just have proof of the competitors price to prove it.

5. One last idea, do grocery shopping last, so you dont need to push a heavy trolley of groceries around with you into different shops. #Life Hack.

© ASD and me 2019.