Frustrated Aspie · Struggle · Thoughts

So much for help.

Finally had the lawnmowers come out last Tuesday. I was a bit excited and hopeful that I’ll actually have help.

They did a good job. The mowed all the lawn, removed some rubbish and even used a chainsaw to cut a log.

Then on Friday, the cleaners came out and were here for 6 hours. They completely rearranged my kitchen cupboards, which I didn’t want them to do and I didn’t know they would do that. I thought they would just move stuff, dust, then put everything back.

They stunk up the house with chemicals and I had to open windows.

When they left and I started looking at what they had done. They did clean the oven, but sprayed my fence with oven cleaner and corroded the paint, so now we have huge white stains.

I was furious on Saturday morning and wrote many drafts of angry letters telling them off, but I decided not to send them. I don’t like doing stuff in anger and rage, so I’m glad I waited and sent a ‘polite as I can be’ email this morning.

They wrote back quickly and said they would repair the fence. I guess that’s all I can expect. I just hope they repair the fence and don’t do more damage.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

Covid 19 · Depression · Thoughts

I feel like I’m the only who is following quarantine rules

Seems that as soon as covid 19 closed everything, people became dumber and dogs discovered new skills of barking loudly.

I can imagine how tedious and claustrophobic prison would be.

I’m so stressed and can’t relax. I’m trying to do the right thing and stay in my house, but neighbours keep having visitors and parties. I want to report them but can’t find anything online.

I don’t feel like eating anything and find it hard to sleep. I really hate isolation. I didn’t go out much before, but at least it was an option. This really sucks. I keep thinking about bad things, and want this to be over.

I’m so stressed and depressed.

(c)ASD and me 2020.

2020 · Struggle · Thoughts

Update and stuff

A few things have changed so I thought I would blog about them. I still want to publish a book, but I know that won’t be until at least next year, or ever.

Its hard to write about things when you stay at home 99% of the time.

The NDIA changed some rules because of the corona virus, so now I can get a Support Coordinator. It only took the world to almost end before it happened, but I have one now so I’ll complain less.

I also was given a code so I can get priority grocery home delivery. I’m so happy that I no longer need to enter the supermarket and stay 2 metres from people. I can stay at home in my rat hole and have food delivered to me like a fancy person. Hopefully I can get the basics box like elderly people do.

I signed up to social media, but yesterday day regretted it, because some people are very quick to judge and to jump to conclusions. Its really annoying and frustrating for me, so I have blocked some people. I only have it for Corona, so when that’s over and I can go outside, it will be deleted.

I also had my periods, but this time I cried because I realised I was having a “Corona Period” and couldn’t leave the house.

Confession time: It’s not even Easter yet and I have eaten 4 choc bunnies and one one egg. I’m putting on my winter weight early. Gotta get that shiny coat.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

I can’t believe I didn’t come up with this.

Watch this video

Hello readers, I didn’t realise it had been weeks since I posted, so to give myself a break from endless Youtube, Amazon and the new Animal Crossing, I’ll write about something.

I’m not even sure what to write. All my ambitions about this blog have gone out the window so now, I don’t know how I feel, I don’t want to try and find out because I don’t want to cry again or panic. I already cried at the supermarket because they didn’t have the cheese I needed.

I need to find a hobby, so I thought I would buy some fabric to make an apron. But then I remembered social distancing is a thing now and I can’t leave my house. I don’t even want to go out in my backyard because the weather is unpredictable here.

I can’t even finish my online course because I don’t know what to do. I can only speak to the tutor for 1 hour on Mondays, then I can only email her. I’ve really lost motivation for everything and its still only march.

What can I do?

I get really annoyed and frustrated when I see brats running wild in the street. I even saw a boy wearing a mask and that really pissed me off and it took me ages to calm down. I can’t watch news because it makes me sad or angry and that makes my anxiety worse.

I also need to stop looking at things online I want to buy but can’t. I made a wishlist on Big W and Best and less websites for things I may want to buy if the weather is good enough for me to drive 1 hour on the highway to get to these shops. Maybe the library will be open and I can borrow some books.

I watched a great video by Chelsea Fagan from The Financial Diet about staying sane, so if you need some help, go watch it.

(c)ASD and me 2020.

Frustrated Aspie · NDIS · Thoughts

I still have no idea what’s happening

I just wrote a complaint letter to the LAC company. It took me over an hour to write and I kept editing, cutting, moving, retyping, to make sure it was as good as I can get it. I guess I can make it better but I wanted to send it because I had bad sleep last night and it was on my mind this morning when I was woken early.

I hate the LAC and the company. I have no idea why the NDIA won’t cancel my contract with them and go with someone else. They say it is up to us what providers we choose, then why can’t I change?

I’m just meant to be grateful with the crumbs that are thrown my way. I know I’ve said that before, but its true. I really feel like they don’t care. I’m trapped and I need help. But when I ask for it I’m denied, or told I already have “enough” or that I don’t qualify for more help.

I’m so tired of this. Thinking of it makes my brain exhausted and I can’t make a proper thought. The fog thickens and the bees start buzzing louder and I can’t see or hear above the din.

I doubt the LAC company will do anything about my complaint. These companies are usually incompetent, so I’m not holding my breath for a miracle.

(c) ASD and me 2020.


You Tube videos I like

I haven’t been feeling the best lately and don’t know what to write. I don’t want to just complain about everything, so I took a break from blogging.

I had my birthday, then other things happened and now I’m struggling to get through summer. I have no plans for the future. Since the diagnosis, I feel that I’ve been in exile from myself or something. I’m not the person I was before, I’m a different person who is struggling with shit I used to be able to deal with.

Who am I now?

I have no life raft, no routine, and now, nothing from the NDIA. I have no idea what the hell is happening since the their last phone call made me cry. All I can think of doing is watching videos.

I watch a lot of You Tube and have found some channels I really enjoy watching and wanted to share some with my readers:

Foo the flower horn: Beautiful videos about a fish who lives in a tank with plants.

Ask a mortician: Answers all your questions about death and the funeral process.

Fish whisperer: Cool videos of fish and turtles being fed.

Sean Hogan: I recently found this channel. A man finds sounds and makes songs with them.

Captain Disillusion: Funny debunking videos from the Internet.

The Minimalists: I found these two through a Netflix documentary. I’ve become a bit of a minimalist myself, but mainly because I really hate clutter, excess cleaning and wasting money. I also find clutter, chaos and mess very stressful and over whelming.

Fluffee: A Canadian man comments on funny photos from the Internet.

Jessica Kellgren – Fozard: Is a disabled woman who makes videos on a wide range of topics.

The Outsider: He built a log cabin with his father in the Canadian woods. This is what I really want to do.

My self reliance: Another channel where a Canadian man builds a log cabin and walks around in the snow.

Tito the raccoon: A man who has a raccoon for a pet.

Elvis the Alien: An American man who make funny commentary about silly you tube videos.

Sgt Ducky: An Irish man make videos about things that annoy him.

Grade A under a: English man who used to make funny stick figure videos. Hopefully he’ll make more soon.

Rachel Maksy: Woman who make tutorials on vintage fashion.

Isaac Butterfield: Australian comedian.

Momma Doctor Jones: An OBGYN doctor who talks about health issues.

Chicken on a raft: I’m normally not into obscure things, but for some reason I love the original version of this song and the video. I found it many years ago. Just to warn you, this song is very catchy.

These are the ones I can think of now, but there’s lots more.

I’ve been wanting to make my own channel for years now, but I’m insecure about showing my face on the Internet. I guess that says a lot about my lack of confidence and self esteem.

(c)ASD plus me 2020.


Wait, what’s happening in China?

So much for having a peaceful new year. The fires are over and I wanted to relax, breathe deeply and write a novel.

But no.

There’s a new virus outbreak in China called the Corona virus. I wasn’t worried at first when I thought it was just in China because Australia is far away and we are gert by sea. But now I’m reading that we have the virus here, so I’m worried.

Bf isn’t worried, but I am and I don’t want to wait until its too late and shelves are empty. People laugh at Preppers, but I think being prepared is human instinct. I prepared for the fires, so I need to prepare for this.


Buy large plastic bottles of water incase the pipes are damaged or fill with brown water.

Buy tinned food like soup, baked beans, small tins of tuna or chicken.

Dry noodles and pasta that can be cooked in hot water.

Shelf milk in a carton.

Jars of sauce and pesto.

Mouthwash with alcohol.

Buy things that will have a long shelf life that you buy anyway, like peanut butter and rice.

Baby powder formula and tinned baby food if you have a baby. Adults can eat this too.


Buy masks in a box.

Latex gloves for first aid, leather gloves for carrying firewood and to prevent splinters.


Saline for rinsing eyes.

Extra fuel or wood for the fireplace.

Blankets incase you run out of wood or the power goes out.

First aid equipment Band Aids, bandages, Dettol, sharp stainless steel scissors, snake and spider bite kit, etc.

Baby wipes or wet wipes.

Micro fibre clothes that can be washed and reused.

Toilet paper in plastic packaging.

Hand cleaner with a high alcohol content. I don’t like this stuff because it stings my hands a bit when I rub it in, but if it saves my life then I’ll use it.

Pack a bag of clothing. Think of hiking clothes and study boots that will protect your feet if you need to walk over broken glass or gravel.

There’s no need for panic. Just buy extra to prepare for the unexpected, watch a trusted news service in your area and ask the local doctors what is happening and what you should do.

You probably already have some of this stuff in your home, so go look for it.

(c) ASD and me 2020


Its raining rain, hallelujah!

Yes, I know that title is very cheesy, so much it may make some readers lactose intolerant, but I don’t care. Its raining here!

Full on rain. Not a few spits of water, full on thunder stormy type rain. It’s amazing. It was so loud last night, it woke bf and myself up around 3am. The loud thunderous noise reminded me of when the drug dealers still rented next door and used to wake us up at 3am with their music and drumkit.

But I’m not worried. I was able to fall asleep after a while and this morning I woke up, and there were actually puddles on the ground. The grass is green, not a hay brown colour like it has been for months. Birds are sitting on the powerlines in the rain enjoying not being burned alive in the fires. They are making bird noises and flying around.

This sudden reprieve from the fires is like magic. The weather forecast claims the storms will continue till the 20th, so I hope that’s true.

©ASD and me 2020


Deleting old blogs.

I found a bunch of old books that I wrote passwords in for old blogs and social media accounts. I have been going through them, slowly, since some of the passwords don’t work and other issues.

I held onto these things for years, and for what?

I think it was because I was still hoping to be published. I guess I still can be, but it really doesn’t matter. I can start a new blog for free on WordPress whenever I want , so I don’t know why I was holding on to old blogs from 2012.

I read some of the comments and one was rude and sarcastic pointing out my spelling mistakes. I don’t know why people do this. Its called a mistake for a reason. I would have done this when I was younger, but now I don’t want to waste my time; I have better things to do.

I’m still going to write, but I won’t focus purely on getting published like I did years ago before I gave up. I wasted 10 years and received nothing but gut ache, sadness and a pile of letters.

Writing should just be fun and a way to express myself, not torture or a pain.

Who knows, I feel attached to this blog right now, but back then I was super attached to those blogs, so I don’t know how I’ll feel in the future about this one.

Honestly, it feels so good to remove and delete all this junk. What is it anyway? Nothing tangible. Nothing I can touch. I don’t care about likes or whatever, I only had social media because its expected of writer to have a platform.

I’m thinking about making new accounts, but sometimes I think its more trouble than its worth.

©ASD and me 2020.


2020 · Thoughts

I’m tired of unreliable people wasting my time.

I’m trying to stay positive this year, but sometimes its very difficult, especially when I have to rely on other people to keep their word.

I have been studying an online line course that hasn’t exactly been a disaster, but the tutor who was assigned to me I think is. She makes excuses for forgetting appointments, then says “I’m so sorry blah, blah, blah…” I mean, we have a long email chain, written with history in Gmail, that we can just scroll through. Why can’t she just look at it?

I don’t know what to make of this. One time, yes, can be a mistake, but three? How can she keep making mistakes and writing the wrong date down in her diary. It’s 2020, get it together.

I really wanted to write a bad email, but I kept typing words, then deleting words, so in the end, I said “I’m so angry I can’t even write a proper email”. I also took a screen shot of her words saying “ok 11am Friday smiley face”. I wonder how she will respond to that. Will she admit she made a mistake, or will she say she doesn’t remember typing that. No, I think she will make her usual excuse of “I’m so sorry, blaaaaaaaaahhhh”. There’s only so many times a person can apologise before it just becomes meaningless background noise.

I’m so confused and despondent. I feel like again, a pile of dirt has been dumped onto me and I now have another hard climb to get back up to where I was before; if that’s even possible.

Loud sigh

I’m angry and annoyed that this stupid women wasted my time. I won’t think about it anymore for now. I’ll put it on hold in my mind, then I’ll deal with it on Monday.

Its a new year and bf reminded me that all online study has done is made me more stressed and anxious. Is this what happens when I’m brave enough to tell someone I’m disabled and ask for help?

That was Friday, this is Monday and I’m still thinking about it. I don’t even want to check my email because I think she sent me a reply. So now I don’t know what to do.

So yeah, unless something amazing happens, I think I’m done.

©ASD and me 2020.

Meme sorry