Tag: Thoughts

Posted in ASD, Autism, Thoughts

Things are different but the same…

Posted on by Private Person

I’m glad the stupid lockdowns are over, but I’m not sure how to move forward.

What should I do with my life?

I’m taking singing lessons and I joined a choir, but is this really what I want? I don’t want to just pass time like I used to being busy. I hate wasting my life, but how do I find a path?

I want to travel to America and become a country gospel singer

I pray, but I’m still not sure what I’m meant to be feeling when I pray, but I try to do it everyday. Hopefully good things will come from it.

I don’t know if its helping my autism, or if I even know what that is yet, but I feel different to how I felt in 2021 before the cancer scare.

  1. I really want to publish a book.
  2. I really want to travel to America.
  3. I really want to become a country singer.

Maybe that’s all I need to know for now.

Posted in 2021, ASD, Autism, Thoughts

Art therapy helped me last year, now I want to publish a book…

Posted on by Private Person

Last year I started sharing my drawings on another blog, Pinterest and Instagram. Those accounts are deleted now, but I want to share some on this site so I can try to get a book published.

It really helped me last year when I was stuck at home, being anxious and depressed all the time, to draw my feelings. I’m bad at drawing and they come out crappy and crude, but they are honest, so that’s all I care about. My drawings are for me really, and I had been making them for years until last year I decided to share some. Until then, I hadn’t told a soul about them.

Some are self explanatory, but some, are really abstract and may be hard to interpret for people not living in my brain.

I hope readers enjoy them and maybe get something thing from it like I did making them.

(c) ASD and me 2021

Posted in Frustrated Aspie, Struggle, Thoughts

So much for help.

Posted on by Private Person

Finally had the lawnmowers come out last Tuesday. I was a bit excited and hopeful that I’ll actually have help.

They did a good job. The mowed all the lawn, removed some rubbish and even used a chainsaw to cut a log.

Then on Friday, the cleaners came out and were here for 6 hours. They completely rearranged my kitchen cupboards, which I didn’t want them to do and I didn’t know they would do that. I thought they would just move stuff, dust, then put everything back.

They stunk up the house with chemicals and I had to open windows.

When they left and I started looking at what they had done. They did clean the oven, but sprayed my fence with oven cleaner and corroded the paint, so now we have huge white stains.

I was furious on Saturday morning and wrote many drafts of angry letters telling them off, but I decided not to send them. I don’t like doing stuff in anger and rage, so I’m glad I waited and sent a ‘polite as I can be’ email this morning.

They wrote back quickly and said they would repair the fence. I guess that’s all I can expect. I just hope they repair the fence and don’t do more damage.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

Posted in Covid 19, Depression, Thoughts

I feel like I’m the only who is following quarantine rules

Posted on by Private Person

Seems that as soon as covid 19 closed everything, people became dumber and dogs discovered new skills of barking loudly.

I can imagine how tedious and claustrophobic prison would be.

I’m so stressed and can’t relax. I’m trying to do the right thing and stay in my house, but neighbours keep having visitors and parties. I want to report them but can’t find anything online.

I don’t feel like eating anything and find it hard to sleep. I really hate isolation. I didn’t go out much before, but at least it was an option. This really sucks. I keep thinking about bad things, and want this to be over.

I’m so stressed and depressed.

(c)ASD and me 2020.

Posted in 2020, Struggle, Thoughts

Update and stuff

Posted on by Private Person

A few things have changed so I thought I would blog about them. I still want to publish a book, but I know that won’t be until at least next year, or ever.

Its hard to write about things when you stay at home 99% of the time.

The NDIA changed some rules because of the corona virus, so now I can get a Support Coordinator. It only took the world to almost end before it happened, but I have one now so I’ll complain less.

I also was given a code so I can get priority grocery home delivery. I’m so happy that I no longer need to enter the supermarket and stay 2 metres from people. I can stay at home in my rat hole and have food delivered to me like a fancy person. Hopefully I can get the basics box like elderly people do.

I signed up to social media, but yesterday day regretted it, because some people are very quick to judge and to jump to conclusions. Its really annoying and frustrating for me, so I have blocked some people. I only have it for Corona, so when that’s over and I can go outside, it will be deleted.

I also had my periods, but this time I cried because I realised I was having a “Corona Period” and couldn’t leave the house.

Confession time: It’s not even Easter yet and I have eaten 4 choc bunnies and one one egg. I’m putting on my winter weight early. Gotta get that shiny coat.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

Posted in Thoughts

Still the same.

Posted on by Private Person

Hello readers, I didn’t realise it had been weeks since I posted, so to give myself a break from endless Youtube, Amazon and the new Animal Crossing, I’ll write about something.

I’m not even sure what to write. All my ambitions about this blog have gone out the window so now, I don’t know how I feel, I don’t want to try and find out because I don’t want to cry again or panic. I already cried at the supermarket because they didn’t have the cheese I needed.

I need to find a hobby, so I thought I would buy some fabric to make an apron. But then I remembered social distancing is a thing now and I can’t leave my house. I don’t even want to go out in my backyard because the weather is unpredictable here.

I can’t even finish my online course because I don’t know what to do. I can only speak to the tutor for 1 hour on Mondays, then I can only email her. I’ve really lost motivation for everything and its still only march.

What can I do?

I get really annoyed and frustrated when I see brats running wild in the street. I even saw a boy wearing a mask and that really pissed me off and it took me ages to calm down. I can’t watch news because it makes me sad or angry and that makes my anxiety worse.

I also need to stop looking at things online I want to buy but can’t. I made a wishlist on Big W and Best and less websites for things I may want to buy if the weather is good enough for me to drive 1 hour on the highway to get to these shops. Maybe the library will be open and I can borrow some books.

(c)ASD and me 2020.

Posted in Frustrated Aspie, NDIS, Thoughts

I still have no idea what’s happening

Posted on by Private Person

I just wrote a complaint letter to the LAC company. It took me over an hour to write and I kept editing, cutting, moving, retyping, to make sure it was as good as I can get it. I guess I can make it better but I wanted to send it because I had bad sleep last night and it was on my mind this morning when I was woken early.

I hate the LAC and the company. I have no idea why the NDIA won’t cancel my contract with them and go with someone else. They say it is up to us what providers we choose, then why can’t I change?

I’m just meant to be grateful with the crumbs that are thrown my way. I know I’ve said that before, but its true. I really feel like they don’t care. I’m trapped and I need help. But when I ask for it I’m denied, or told I already have “enough” or that I don’t qualify for more help.

I’m so tired of this. Thinking of it makes my brain exhausted and I can’t make a proper thought. The fog thickens and the bees start buzzing louder and I can’t see or hear above the din.

I doubt the LAC company will do anything about my complaint. These companies are usually incompetent, so I’m not holding my breath for a miracle.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

Posted in Thoughts

You Tube videos I like

Posted on by Private Person

I haven’t been feeling the best lately and don’t know what to write. I don’t want to just complain about everything, so I took a break from blogging.

I had my birthday, then other things happened and now I’m struggling to get through summer. I have no plans for the future. Since the diagnosis, I feel that I’ve been in exile from myself or something. I’m not the person I was before, I’m a different person who is struggling with shit I used to be able to deal with.

Who am I now?

I have no life raft, no routine, and now, nothing from the NDIA. I have no idea what the hell is happening since the their last phone call made me cry. All I can think of doing is watching videos.

I watch a lot of You Tube and have found some channels I really enjoy watching and wanted to share some with my readers:

Foo the flower horn: Beautiful videos about a fish who lives in a tank with plants.

Fish whisperer: Cool videos of fish and turtles being fed.

Sean Hogan: I recently found this channel. A man finds sounds and makes songs with them.

Captain Disillusion: Funny debunking videos from the Internet.

Fluffee: A Canadian man comments on funny photos from the Internet.

The Outsider: He built a log cabin with his father in the Canadian woods. This is what I really want to do.

My self reliance: Another channel where a Canadian man builds a log cabin and walks around in the snow.

Tito the raccoon: A man who has a raccoon for a pet.

Elvis the Alien: An American man who make funny commentary about silly you tube videos.

Sgt Ducky: An Irish man make videos about things that annoy him.

Grade A under a: English man who used to make funny stick figure videos. Hopefully he’ll make more soon.

Chicken on a raft: I’m normally not into obscure things, but for some reason I love the original version of this song and the video. I found it many years ago. Just to warn you, this song is very catchy.

These are the ones I can think of now, but there’s lots more.

I’ve been wanting to make my own channel for years now, but I’m insecure about showing my face on the Internet. I guess that says a lot about my lack of confidence and self esteem.

(c)ASD plus me 2020.