Posted in ASD, Autism, Depression, Noise, Thoughts

Woken once again by noise

It’s 3 am and I’m awake. Again. Being kept awake and woken up by the barking muts next door. It truly unbelievable the shitty garbage I have to put up with from noisy idiots.

It’s really cold here, I’m shivering, but I can’t sleep. My fingers don’t work properly enough to type, but I still want to get my thoughts down.

My thought are a jumbled mess and its hard to type a coherent sentence, but I’m not giving up.  I’ve had enough of shitty behaviour from lower than cow shit idiots. I called the council again. I must be sleep deprived, but I thought it was a bit funny that when I call them they answer good morning, even though its 3 am. I guess it is morning but I haven’t slept yet.

I tried to call lifeline, but I chickened out. I don’t want to take someone away from a person who actually needs it. I’m not suicidal, just furious, hurt, upset, freezing, numb, confused and a bunch of other emotions, like an avalanche of emotions, sliding down a mountain and I’m caught, trapped, being dragged down with them.

I really wanted to speak to someone and confess loudly “I have ASD!” but I hung up. I still can’t bring myself to say it. It doesn’t feel like it me, I can’t have that. I don’t want it, I want to be normal and have a normal job and normal legs and hair and not be me, be someone who is normal. Even when I look in the mirror sometimes, I don’t feel like its me, I feel like I see someone else.

But I am me. Alone. Typing into a bright screen at 3 30 am.

(c)ASD and me 2019.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Thoughts

Still waiting to hear back from the NDIS

I know I only send my paperwork in one and a half weeks ago, and I know it takes about 30 days to receive a reply, but I’m anxious. I really need help and I’m hoping they say yes. This time I applied, I gave evidence from two psychologists and I’m hoping that’s enough to get government assistance.

I imagine there will be a glowing door way, with angel singing, and I’m welcomed through to a room full of Low FOD Map food made especially for me. Its the perfect temperature for me, not hot but not freezing. Its quiet, except for crickets chirping in the background.

Hopefully they will say yes. I won’t worry about what I’ll do if they say no just yet.

(c) ASD and me 2019

Posted in ASD, Autism

Waiting for help and results.

I’m only able to see my psychologist once a month and this month has been torture waiting. I have an appointment on Monday, so hopefully I can get my NDIS forms filled out, then sent and then wait another 30 days to find out if I qualify.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do if they say no.

Seems the story of my life.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Depression, Thoughts

I think I’m in shock… or something

I’ve been very confused lately. Just wondering around, like a zombie, not eating much, not saying much. Crying a lot.

Now that its official, I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I thought having a diagnosis would make me feel better, but I feel worse. I also have no emotions. I’m just running on auto pilot and I’ve begun to hate my life. I can’t seem to find anything good to cling to. I just feel lost and am struggling with everything. I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing and sleep then wake up and be happy and normal.

The ASD test said that I wasn’t depressed, but its wrong. I think I’m beyond depression. I’ve left depression island and am now floating down “Where the fuck am I going?” river.

I need to move, I need more money, I need to have an MRI, I need lots of things. But I’m so mentally exhausted, I can’t do these things. I don’t have the energy, so I guess the rest of my life will be wasted at home, in a house I hate, in a shitty neighbourhood I can’t afford to leave and just rot to death in a private hell I can’t escape from.

(c) ASD and me 2019



Posted in ASD, Autism, Books

Books with ASD #2: The Rosie project

I’ve wanted to read this book for a few years, so I asked my bf to buy it for my recent birthday.

This book is about Don Tillman, the main character who I think is meant to have ASD traits, but I’ve only read a few chapters so far so I’m not sure. I don’t want spoilers, so I’m not doing any research.

Its written in the first person narrative of the main character, similar to The curious incident of the dog in the night time.

I’ve only read a few chapters, but I want to keep reading and not put the book down.

I’ve found some of the characters thoughts are similar to my own and I like that so far.

Bf also bought me the second and third books, so I’ve stopped reading my other books and plan to finish these ones.

I’m glad publishers are starting to publish new types of books that aren’t the standard “biscuit cutter” characters. One one hand, it makes me think I could be published, but on the other, it reminds me of the 10 plus years I wasted trying to be published. I don’t know if I want to go through that again, since I’m a lot older and the repeated rejections contributed to my depression. I think I’ll just stick to this blog for now and write about my thoughts.

(c) ASD and me 2019.


Posted in ASD, Autism, Thoughts

It’s life Autie but not as you know it

What a day. What a week. Waiting for the testing results and waiting for the psychologist to call. She finally did after I called the second time and the receptionist could tell I was crying. I tried not to, I was very anxious to end the call, but didn’t want to be rude.

The psychologist called me back and explained it was a misunderstanding and said it was okay. I was just glad she had called me.

I’ve been going back and forth for months now, but its finally official. The results came in a long 5 page document.

I have ASD. Level 2 with severe anxiety.

I don’t know if its good or bad yet.

I really don’t know how to feel. When the psychologist called this morning, I cried during the call, after the call, then cried in the shower.

Am I the same person or am I different? I’ve been like this my whole life. Will this change who I am? or will I be the same?

Too may questions buzzing around my head. I thought the diagnosis would be a relief, to finally know after all this time; but It wasn’t.

It just created more bees.

Maybe in a few days, weeks, months, I’ll be okay with it, but for now, the Schrodinger cat is out of the box and it can’t be put back in.

(c) ASD and me 2019


Posted in ASD, Autism, Thoughts

Ring, ring, why won’t she give me a call?

I called the ASD psychologist Tuesday, 3 days ago and left a message with her receptionist but she hasn’t called back. I really want to freak out and cry and break things, but I’m not a child anymore, am fully grown woman, so need to think of reasons why she has me waiting in the pit of hell.

1. Maybe she has been really busy with other clients and hasn’t had time.

2. Maybe she hasn’t been in the office because she’s been ill.

3. Maybe she has had family stuff to deal with.

4. Maybe she was hit by a kangaroo. (This actually happens where I live).

5. Maybe she was abducted by aliens. ( I’ve heard rumours this has happened).

6. Maybe she secretly quit and ran away laughing maniacally with my $650 payment. (ha, ha, ha, ha, stupid ding bat; I made up ASD to steal money from clients. Its a scam).

Okay, I know these aren’t true, (or I hope their not), I’m just anxious and I let it run wild with my imagination and they aren’t my friends. They are the bad kids who sit up the back and smoke and throw spit balls and flick rubber bands at the smart students in the front row.

I’ll have to call her today.


meme fry

(c) ASD and me 2019.