ASD

Adrift on a sea of confusion

So far, I’m not impressed  and I’m very disappointed with the NDIS. I thought I would have a schedule or timetable already organised for me so I wouldn’t have to run around and do everything myself as always. I was getting excited about having things planned for me. Were my dreams finally coming true? Was I actually going to get the help I desperately needed and wanted?

No. All I have are some A4 sheets of paper with a lot if numbers and words.

It hasn’t helped me. In fact, its made me more stressed. I saw my psychologist yesterday and  she doesn’t know what to do either, said I should call the agency for help. She didn’t even know if her payment is covered by the NDIS or if I need to get another Mental Health Plan.

Honestly, if I could find a job or clean my house or do any normal thing by myself, why the hell would I ask for help? I hate asking for help, especially strangers and double especially on the phone.

I’m even more stressed now and crying as I type, because, I have “money” allocated to me, but have no idea what to do with it. And I’m afraid if I don’t use it, then it will be taken away and I’ll be worse off than before.

I called one number to ask for help, and now I’m done. My energy is gone and I want to just go back to bed, but I can’t because my house is a mess. I’m still on antibiotics and feel like shit. Everything hurts, everything is a huge effort.

I feel like I should go live in a cave sometimes. Or a cabin in the woods like Walden. if only…

I thought having government assistance would help me. Maybe in the future things will be better, more organised, less stressful and I’ll look back on this and laugh about my crazy time when I had debilitating mental illness. But for now, I’m lost in a turbulent ocean with no life raft.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

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#No cure needed · Thoughts

I had a good experience in Target (for once).

No, that’s not a typo; I actually didn’t hate Target when I shopped there last week. I went to Big W first, and as usual, it set my Tinnitus off, so I looked quickly, but they only had ugly coral coloured lamps for sale. So I left. I was leaving the centre, when I saw Target. I don’t remember ever entering that Target location, but I really wanted a new desk lamp, so I crossed the threshold into the darkness…

No, it wasn’t that bad. The music was loud, but I was able to find the lamp my bf had, then I saw a smaller lamp for $12, that’s an even better price, so I grabbed that. Then I saw pillows for $12, so I grabbed one of those.

I went through the self service check out and didn’t noticed that the rack had no bags. I asked the staff and she said they are 15 cents now. I looked in my purse, but didn’t have change. The women looked around then said just take one, its only 15c.”

I said “are you sure? Thank you”.

That one small act of kindness, has changed my mind about that Target location. Its also so much closer to the train station and the frozen yoghurt shop, so maybe I’ll shop there instead of walking the ends of the Earth to get to Big W.

I learned something these past few months:

1. Ask the staff who is at the entrance if they sell what you’re looking for. If they don’t, then you don’t need to waste time going in.

2. Look online first to see if the shop actually sells what you want.

3. If you have a catalogue, take it with you to show staff what you want. It’s so much easier to show a picture, than to describe that you want a steam inhaler bottle, no its like that large one for babies, but this is a bottle. A bit like a babies bottle, but you put eucalyptus oil in and hot water and it makes steam to inhale. (That’s an actual conversation I had).

4. Some companies advertise that they will match a competitors price, so make them do that. Just have proof of the competitors price to prove it.

5. One last idea, do grocery shopping last, so you dont need to push a heavy trolley of groceries around with you into different shops. #Life Hack.

© ASD and me 2019.

ASD · Autism · Struggle · Thoughts

Only so many times I can complain about…

I didn’t realise that my blog was mainly complaining about negative things that have happened to me. I didn’t want it to be this way, but since I’m isolated and have no friends, (despite all my efforts and going very far out of my way, sometimes to just be used), I have no one else to talk to. I only see my psychologist once a month and I don’t want to burden my bf more than I already do.

Honestly, I never actually thought I would have actual followers. I’ve had many blogs and YouTube channels, but I’ve always been invisible, so thank you to the people who follow and read my blog. I only started this blog for something o do, but now I’m glad because I might meet new people.

I’ve been meaning to make more posts about food I like, food I eat, cooking, teaching myself how to sew from internet articles, YouTube videos and books I borrowed from the library.

Some quick updates:

•  I called the NDIS 2 weeks ago and they said I’ve been approved, so now I just need to wait for the agency to call me for the second meeting. I really would like to meet people my own age and maybe do some charity work or something meaningful with the time I have left.

•  I still really want to move to a different area, preferably quieter, with less houses that aren’t so cramped together. I want to live on flat ground, not a mountain side. We have a great view of the clouds, but a drive way that’s impossible for me to park in and difficult for me to drive out of.  I would love to live in Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls. I don’t know if small towns like that even exist in Australia.

•  I keep saying I’ll give up trying to make friends, but I keep doing it and keep failing. miserably. Last Thursday I attended an art group I had been to many times before. The class is mainly elderly church women and I think I’m the youngest (in my 40s). The women are nice, but I wish they wouldn’t make lunch plans in front of the class if all of the class aren’t invited. Its just rude and really hurtful to me. I ended up crying in my car afterwards. Then my bf called and I cried to him. He said these people are toxic and have no lives. This has happened before, but I keep returning, listening to peoples boring endless stories about wearing an onion on their belt which was a style at the time…

Why do I keep punishing myself? I want friends so badly, I guess I scare them away with my desperation. Is it me? I try to be nice, I try to contribute ideas etc, but I can’t break down the wall between us I guess. I know I should stop trying. Hopefully in the future things will change and get better.

(c) ASD and me 2019not-a-runner-now-you-are-motivational-memes

 

 

#No cure needed · ASD · Autism · Frustrated Aspie · Struggle · Thoughts

My Autism is not going to be cured so stop asking me to prove it exists!

I have been trying to sign up to an online course and it is, of course, difficult and frustrating.

I already sent my paper work in last year, and was approved and have been enrolled, but then I wanted  to transfer.  And get help from a Councillor.

You would think that being disabled, they would make it easy for me to enroll.

But no.

When I call, its the stupid automated dialing system where you need to choose options and “Press 1”.

The first time I called, it didn’t work and there was no hold music, so I hung up and tried again. Then I was finally able to get through to a human, they needed to transfer me and force me to wait 3 minutes for someone on the other end.

This new person, although polite, told me that I needed to fill out more forms to PROOVE my disability  status.

I really wanted to scream!

So to this company, and everyone else, listen up:

1. There is no cure for autism!

2. There never will be.

3. There doesn’t need to be a cure; there is NOTHING wrong with us!

4. I really do not  want to talk about my Autism, especially to some random person on the phone.

5. Stop asking me to prove that I have it EVERY SINGLE TIME I want to study!

6. Just tick the fucking box, so I can get on with my life and stop discussing my very private health issues with strangers over the phone.

I’m going to say this again: THERE IS NO CURE FOR AUTISM!

Do not believe what some crazy trouble making bitch said on her blog, she did not cure her son’s Autism. The best you can do is get an allergy test for your child, or yourself and adjust your diet.

I am so fed up and exhausted by this shit. I just wanted to learn something to help me start a small business so I can work from home and not have to go through the agony and bullshit that are modern job interviews.

That may be my next post.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

 

ASD · Autism · Thoughts

They said yes!

The NDIS called me yesterday and said I was accepted.

I have an appointment on the 2nd of July.

They also send me paperwork to fill in and take with me to the appointment.

My head is filled with thoughts, but they are like a hurricane, so it hard to sort through them to write down and record. It sounds like a lot of bees buzzing in a hive.

I just hope they can actually help me recover. I really hate being depressed, anxious, helpless. It has robbed me of most of my life, so hopefully now I can reclaim it and he healthier and happier.

Even if not happier, just not sad would be good.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

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ASD · Autism · Books

Online book club

Its freezing cold winter here in Australia, so I’ve been staying inside with the fire place burning and reading more (when I’m not watching a scary amount of YouTube and Netflix).

I finished the first two Rosie books and am onto the third. I also found an interesting book on Amazon called “Alice” by Christina Henry.

I’ll be reading these two books, so if anyone wants to read along with me then discuss in the comments below, please feel free to do so.

(c)ASD and me 2019.

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ASD · Autism · Depression · Noise · Thoughts

Woken once again by noise

It’s 3 am and I’m awake. Again. Being kept awake and woken up by the barking muts next door. It truly unbelievable the shitty garbage I have to put up with from noisy idiots.

It’s really cold here, I’m shivering, but I can’t sleep. My fingers don’t work properly enough to type, but I still want to get my thoughts down.

My thought are a jumbled mess and its hard to type a coherent sentence, but I’m not giving up.  I’ve had enough of shitty behaviour from lower than cow shit idiots. I called the council again. I must be sleep deprived, but I thought it was a bit funny that when I call them they answer good morning, even though its 3 am. I guess it is morning but I haven’t slept yet.

I tried to call lifeline, but I chickened out. I don’t want to take someone away from a person who actually needs it. I’m not suicidal, just furious, hurt, upset, freezing, numb, confused and a bunch of other emotions, like an avalanche of emotions, sliding down a mountain and I’m caught, trapped, being dragged down with them.

I really wanted to speak to someone and confess loudly “I have ASD!” but I hung up. I still can’t bring myself to say it. It doesn’t feel like it me, I can’t have that. I don’t want it, I want to be normal and have a normal job and normal legs and hair and not be me, be someone who is normal. Even when I look in the mirror sometimes, I don’t feel like its me, I feel like I see someone else.

But I am me. Alone. Typing into a bright screen at 3 30 am.

(c)ASD and me 2019.

ASD · Autism · Thoughts

Still waiting to hear back from the NDIS

I know I only send my paperwork in one and a half weeks ago, and I know it takes about 30 days to receive a reply, but I’m anxious. I really need help and I’m hoping they say yes. This time I applied, I gave evidence from two psychologists and I’m hoping that’s enough to get government assistance.

I imagine there will be a glowing door way, with angel singing, and I’m welcomed through to a room full of Low FOD Map food made especially for me. Its the perfect temperature for me, not hot but not freezing. Its quiet, except for crickets chirping in the background.

Hopefully they will say yes. I won’t worry about what I’ll do if they say no just yet.

(c) ASD and me 2019

ASD · Autism · Depression · Thoughts

I think I’m in shock… or something

I’ve been very confused lately. Just wondering around, like a zombie, not eating much, not saying much. Crying a lot.

Now that its official, I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I thought having a diagnosis would make me feel better, but I feel worse. I also have no emotions. I’m just running on auto pilot and I’ve begun to hate my life. I can’t seem to find anything good to cling to. I just feel lost and am struggling with everything. I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing and sleep then wake up and be happy and normal.

The ASD test said that I wasn’t depressed, but its wrong. I think I’m beyond depression. I’ve left depression island and am now floating down “Where the fuck am I going?” river.

I need to move, I need more money, I need to have an MRI, I need lots of things. But I’m so mentally exhausted, I can’t do these things. I don’t have the energy, so I guess the rest of my life will be wasted at home, in a house I hate, in a shitty neighbourhood I can’t afford to leave and just rot to death in a private hell I can’t escape from.

(c) ASD and me 2019

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