Category: Thoughts

Posted in Thoughts

My MRI is tomorrow

Posted on by Private Person

I’m worried about my MRI tomorrow. I made the appointment weeks ago, but now I’m kinda regretting it.

I hate this thing hanging over my head. I want it done already. I don’t want to be stuck in a tiny tube while loud noises thump around me. I saw on the show House a person having an MRI, and the noise it makes.

I really hope this is worth it.

We need to travel for 90 minutes to get to the closest medical centre that actually has an MRI machine.

I really need to move away from this dead – end town.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Depression, Noise, Thoughts

Woken once again by noise

Posted on by Private Person

It’s 3 am and I’m awake. Again. Being kept awake and woken up by the barking muts next door. It truly unbelievable the shitty garbage I have to put up with from noisy idiots.

It’s really cold here, I’m shivering, but I can’t sleep. My fingers don’t work properly enough to type, but I still want to get my thoughts down.

My thought are a jumbled mess and its hard to type a coherent sentence, but I’m not giving up.  I’ve had enough of shitty behaviour from lower than cow shit idiots. I called the council again. I must be sleep deprived, but I thought it was a bit funny that when I call them they answer good morning, even though its 3 am. I guess it is morning but I haven’t slept yet.

I tried to call lifeline, but I chickened out. I don’t want to take someone away from a person who actually needs it. I’m not suicidal, just furious, hurt, upset, freezing, numb, confused and a bunch of other emotions, like an avalanche of emotions, sliding down a mountain and I’m caught, trapped, being dragged down with them.

I really wanted to speak to someone and confess loudly “I have ASD!” but I hung up. I still can’t bring myself to say it. It doesn’t feel like it me, I can’t have that. I don’t want it, I want to be normal and have a normal job and normal legs and hair and not be me, be someone who is normal. Even when I look in the mirror sometimes, I don’t feel like its me, I feel like I see someone else.

But I am me. Alone. Typing into a bright screen at 3 30 am.

(c)ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Noise, Quiet, Shows, Thoughts

Protect the quiet or it will disappear

Posted on by Private Person

I watched a National geographic show about a man who records natural soundscapes called an Acoustic Ecologist. He travels to quiet, remote places to record nature without noise pollution from humans.

I think this man has the best job in the world. I’ve been trying to start an ASMR channel for about a year now but no luck. I’m being very fussy about the sound quality and even bought a new camera. The audio isn’t good, it has hissing and white noise, so I looked up how to record nature sounds, and found this show.

I’m glad I’m not the only person who is worried about the disappearing quiet. It seems everywhere I go is crowded, cramped, claustrophobic. Its hard for me to relax or even not be restless. I’m so exhausted from human and animal intrusive noises. I really want to escape and live alone like Walden.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

https://rumble.com/vek2n1-asmr-frog-sounds-1-hour-for-sleep-study-meditation..html

Posted in Shows, Thoughts

I watched After life with Ricky Gervais

Posted on by Private Person

I recently watched the Netflix show After life, written and starring Ricky Gervais.  Its about a man who is very depressed and suicidal after his wife died.

I found some of the scenes disturbing, confronting and very upsetting. I cried a lot because I felt sorry for the character. He was struggling to get through the days and you could clearly see he was in so much pain he wasn’t able to dig himself out of it.

I feel this is a well written depiction of actual depression and suicidal thoughts.

It made me think about some things that were tucked away and hidden behind locked doors in my brain. I normally try to avoid sad movies and scenes, but I’m glad I watched this show.

(c) ASD and me 2019

Posted in Thoughts

I really can not stand animal cruelty and neglect.

Posted on by Private Person

I’m finding things harder and harder to endure. I don’t know if its ASD , but I seem to hate noises certain noises even more now.

Last Thursday, next door’s dog was left home alone and it cried for hours. From 8pm almost non stop til 1am. This really upset me, made me furious and sad because I know the dog was crying over its drunk low life owner. I called the council, again and of course, nothing was done. Again.

I really hate animal cruelty. I really do not understand why someone would buy an animal, stick it in their yard and leave it.

Its not a statue! Its a living breathing creature, that actually has feelings.

The worst thing is, I can’t do anything to stop it. I’ve called the council 3 times now and nothing gets done. They have no problem wasting money on things we don’t need nor want, but helping a poor animal out of neglect and loneliness, forget about it.

I’ve been so sad, angry and frustrated this week I made my self sick. I had to cancel plans I was looking forward to and stay home.

In my house, we always buy cruelty free eggs that are RSPCA approved. The cartons are about seven dollars, but its worth it to make sure the chicken are taken care of properly.

I was planning to add a meme here, but I couldn’t find one that didn’t make me cry.

https://www.rspca.org.au/

(c)ASD and me 2019

Posted in Noise, Thoughts

I have the worst neighbours. I now believe in “Toxic men”

Posted on by Private Person

Its 10 to 4 am here in Sydney Australia. I was woken at about quarter to 3 am by my drunk neighbour. Again. Like it has been for the past 3 and a half years. Yes its 2019 and losers who are lower than cave man shit still exist.

I haven’t called the Police on them since 2017 when they were drunk and tried to break into my house. I live in fear of these drunks everyday.

I now believe in the “Toxic Male”. I didn’t want to believe it, but these men next door are just feral garbage. They are loud, noisy, abusive, rude, delusional, fight, caused fights in the street and are just drunk low inbred nothing.

I really do not understand people like this. How is this even a thing someone would do? What thought process (or lack of) is happening in their tiny primitive brain cell that would tell them that bashing a drum kit at 3 am is acceptable behaviour?

And they’re not even any good. I guess they think they sound like Metallica or something, but its just extremely loud noise like construction work. I know that alcohol gives people delusions of talent, but why am I forced to listen to it? I would never do that to anyone.

I called the council to make a noise complaint, who were okay, not rude.

Then I called the Police assistance line.

I was apprehensive about it since my last encounter with them was not helpful. In fact, I lost hope and faith in the Police so now I’m anxious about calling them, but I did because I wanted Police assistance. But its the same disappointment I had last time. I keep thinking they will be like a knight in shining amour to swoop in and save the day; or at least tell the troglodytes next door to lower the volume of their music.

But they’re not knights, they’re just men in blue uniforms who drive past and listen with the window open. I’m sorry, thanks for coming out and wasting petrol, but I need more than a drive by listening. Why even bother coming out if they are not even going to stop the engine? Do they think I’m lying? I’m not doing this for fun; this isn’t fun for me. Sitting at my window, waiting for them to perform a drive by listening. (ooh look here they come).

I’m not some silly child making prank videos on You tube. I’m an actual adult, needing assistance.

I guess I still have a little bit of hope left, since I voted for an ex Police Officer in the recent election.

I don’t know if I should even bother trying to go back to sleep. Its 5.30 and I’m tired. I really hate next doors random noise.

I was told this was a quiet area when we moved here.

#DriveByListening

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Thoughts

Still waiting to hear back from the NDIS

Posted on by Private Person

I know I only send my paperwork in one and a half weeks ago, and I know it takes about 30 days to receive a reply, but I’m anxious. I really need help and I’m hoping they say yes. This time I applied, I gave evidence from two psychologists and I’m hoping that’s enough to get government assistance.

I imagine there will be a glowing door way, with angel singing, and I’m welcomed through to a room full of Low FOD Map food made especially for me. Its the perfect temperature for me, not hot but not freezing. Its quiet, except for crickets chirping in the background.

Hopefully they will say yes. I won’t worry about what I’ll do if they say no just yet.

(c) ASD and me 2019

Posted in Thoughts

Diagnosis has put me near quicksand

Posted on by Private Person

Given a diagnosis of ASD has left me on loose sand. I don’t know how to walk on the sand without falling in the quicksand part. Where do I go? Who can I trust now? Who are my friends now? Can I even trust anyone with this very private and personal information? Where will I be safe?

I feel like I’m wasting time. I grow more anxious each day, and the sands are slipping through the hour glass and I can feel my time slipping away. I know it won’t matter when I’m dead, but I’m not dead yet and I want to make what ever time I have left on this planet happy or at least, content and as less stressful as I can get.

I sent my new NDIS paperwork in this week. I was anxious and crying since I didn’t know how to answer some questions about my disabilities. I hate having to tell personal information to strangers. I’m worried about what they will do with it.

I’m aware that lying to the government is bad and I’m not doing that, but, if I don’t understand a question and I answer wrong as an innocent mistake, not because of malice or perjury, I don’t want to be accused of lying.

If I didn’t really desperately need the help, I wouldn’t go through all this hassle, but I do really need help. I’m not expecting miracles, just some understanding from a kind person.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Thoughts

I think a man with a pube beard ruined Subway for me

Posted on by Private Person

I rarely buy take away. I can’t eat most because they are always too spicy, salty or greasy. If we do buy it, my bf gets a meal deal with a side of hot chips and I eat some of those. I used to really like Subway. Its salad so that’s meant to be healthy, so what could go wrong ?

We used to have 2 subway restaurants where I live, but last year one closed down. I heard a rumour that they sold moldy bread, so I didn’t buy from there again. The other Subway is on a main street, and I’ve been to them a few times and its been okay. The place is clean, the manager was okay and wore a hair net and gloves to serve the food. But I went there earlier this week and not only were there noisy brats running in and out yelling “he wants carrots not cucumber. no not cucumber mum. mum. MUM. He wants carrots not cucumber.”

Yes we fucking get it, he wants carrot, not carrots or cucumber.

I was trying to ignore that, when I noticed one “sandwich artist” had long hair, a scraggly pube beard and no hairnet. He was wearing gloves, but no hairnet. It was a hot day outside and it looked like he was sweating. The other “sandwich artist” had short hair and I wanted him to serve me, but can I get that man to serve me? Can I say ‘no, I want the man who doesn’t look like a Yeti to serve me. Why? because I really don’t feel like eating your sweat and pube beard sandwich. I know its on the menu since you started, but I have IBS and I really dont think my specialist would recommend it”.

So I left. Bf was disappointed, but understood and suggested we buy something else. I’ll still buy Subway, but if Pube Beard Man is in there, I’ll avoid it.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Thoughts

I hate your stupid brats. Keep them away from me.

Posted on by Private Person

On Monday I was waiting at the medical centre to beg for another mental health plan review, which is an extension of 4 extra sessions. I was waiting in the front room, which was hot. I the main room has air-con but is also crowded and noisy.

So I was waiting, minding my own business reading, when the door between rooms was  opened, brat #1 came through and slammed door very loudly.

I said “Oh gee” loudly. he stopped and looked at me, I looked at him, then he started playing with the coffee machine in the corner. The mother came in, boy yelled “I need money”. Mother said “you can’t play out here”. She looked at me and took the boy in.

I don’t know what the look was about, but if it was anything other than ‘I’m sorry my bastard son is so annoying. I’m a lazy terrible mother who doesn’t give a shit and I regret having him”, then there would have been trouble.

I’m sitting, not reading, just sitting because it was after 4pm and the doctor is meant to finish at 4pm. I’m worried I will need to rush to get through everything, when the door opens again and a girl, brat #2, runs over and jumps right at me. I leaned back, surprised that it happened. The father said you can’t jump at people like that. She opened a folded piece of paper to reveal crayon mess. The father opened the font door and she left, he looked at me and said sorry, then closed door. I heard him say you can’t jump at people like that, so I assume this is a regular occurrence.

Seriously, she’s lucky it was me, in my mentally exhausted state. If it was someone else, they could have pushed her away or worse.

I really wish parents would control their brats. I really don’t understand what this thing is of letting them run wild and do what ever they want, while trying to be friends with them. You’re a parent! Stop trying to be their friend and grow up and actually be a parent!

I do my best to keep away from people and their brats, but its becoming harder and harder. I already sit in the hot room away from everyone, what more can I do?

(c) ASD and me 2019.