Category: Struggle

Posted in Angry Autie, Struggle, Thoughts

Beware the lying psychologist pretending to be a friend!

Posted on by Private Person

Last year I was so scared, worried, anxious, stressed, depressed, sad with an endless list of emotions.

This year though started out good. I had a community visitor to help me with things. She helped me arrange an art show, which was extremely stressful for me and made me want to run away and cry. I sold 4 paintings which was nice, but then I spent the money on art supplies, so now I’m broke again with no way to sell paintings now. I thought I could sell them as a career, but I guess I’m stuck again being unemployed.

Then she told me that an article had been written about me in the paper and had basically doxxed me! I had said a million times I do NOT want my name and photo taken. So what do my psychologist and and CV do? Take my fucking photo behind my back and print it in the paper, with my first name and that I’m an NDIS client!

I sent angry messages to both of them asking why this had happen. The CV replied saying the usual bullshit excuses, but I’m not falling for it.

I wrote an email the the minister for the NDIS Stuart Robert and I received a reply. I also think I’ll write to the department of Heath and the news becasue I think her medical licence needs to be reviewed.

Who the fuck do they think they are?? I said NO a million times, I do not want my name in the paper or an article written. But snakes do whatever underhanded shit they want to to promote their companies. Who gives a fuck if they’re disabled client says no? The stupid morons dont know what they want, its up to us to force them into a cage for their “protection” and tell them what they want.

Now I can’t trust psychologists, which really sucks because I really need to talk to one about the shit that happened. I have no help at all now. My funding will probably be cancelled, then I’ll be like I was in 2019, depressed and disabled.

(c)ASD and me 2021.

Posted in Frustrated Aspie, Struggle, Thoughts

So much for help.

Posted on by Private Person

Finally had the lawnmowers come out last Tuesday. I was a bit excited and hopeful that I’ll actually have help.

They did a good job. The mowed all the lawn, removed some rubbish and even used a chainsaw to cut a log.

Then on Friday, the cleaners came out and were here for 6 hours. They completely rearranged my kitchen cupboards, which I didn’t want them to do and I didn’t know they would do that. I thought they would just move stuff, dust, then put everything back.

They stunk up the house with chemicals and I had to open windows.

When they left and I started looking at what they had done. They did clean the oven, but sprayed my fence with oven cleaner and corroded the paint, so now we have huge white stains.

I was furious on Saturday morning and wrote many drafts of angry letters telling them off, but I decided not to send them. I don’t like doing stuff in anger and rage, so I’m glad I waited and sent a ‘polite as I can be’ email this morning.

They wrote back quickly and said they would repair the fence. I guess that’s all I can expect. I just hope they repair the fence and don’t do more damage.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

Posted in NDIS, Struggle, Thoughts

I had a successful NDIS review

Posted on by Private Person

Thursday August 6, I had a phone review of my NDIS plan. Its more funding than before, which I am very grateful for. But, I’m just worried and anxious that things won’t turn out well and that I’ll be stuck like before.

I really need help because I’m no anxious and nervous and I don’t know why. I hate where I live and I’m stuck until I can find somewhere else to live.

I really want to live on flat ground, I hate living on a hill, I want to have land and space and not be cramped up, with even more fancy houses being built in what was a poor town that is now suddenly trendy.

I really hope it works out this time. I want to have a some what “normal life” and have friends, travel, work and sell my paintings. I want to happy like everyone else so hope I can find that soon.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

Posted in Covid 19, NDIS, Struggle, Thoughts

WTF is happening in the world.

Posted on by Private Person

I can’t believe its been over a month since I posted. A lot has happened, but yet, nothing happened.

I’ve had a lot of trouble with the LAC company. They kept calling me trying to force me into a review I’m not ready for, 2 months earlier than scheduled. After 4 phone calls, they succeeded. I have a phone appointment with some nobody from the company I despise now and my good support coordinator who I demanded has to be included.

I even called the NDIA and told them I want his name added to my file so he can speak on my behalf.

Also, the unprofessional company who “has a contract with the government” keeps telling me I’m stuck with them and can not change. Bullshit! I called the NDIA and they said I can go to a different company. The one I chose is about an hours drive away, but I don’t care. I can drive there and go shopping as well or they can drive to my house.

I’m tired of being bullied by nobodies who think they know better and who are afraid of losing money. I know they think they can bully disabled people, but they’re not doing it to me.

I’m so afraid of losing my funding. I haven’t done anything yet and it might be cancelled next week. The SC said not to worry you won’t lose your funding, but I’m not sure.

Also, WTF do people keep just walking around like nothing has changed? Like China didn’t release all hell on the world. And acting like social distancing isn’t a thing. I wish social distancing was a law all the time.

And I can’t even start on what’s happening in America. People looting, destroying lives and terrorising innocent people. If I was really religious, I would say it’s the end of days. I think this year alone, bushfires, Covid 19, riots, stupids jerks running loose, covid has brought out the worse in people.

Good news: I finally bought a bed. Yeah! I’m like a real person now. Sleeping up in the air, 50cms off the cold floor. Not having to lie on rags like a dog. Good times.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

Posted in 2020, Struggle, Thoughts

Update and stuff

Posted on by Private Person

A few things have changed so I thought I would blog about them. I still want to publish a book, but I know that won’t be until at least next year, or ever.

Its hard to write about things when you stay at home 99% of the time.

The NDIA changed some rules because of the corona virus, so now I can get a Support Coordinator. It only took the world to almost end before it happened, but I have one now so I’ll complain less.

I also was given a code so I can get priority grocery home delivery. I’m so happy that I no longer need to enter the supermarket and stay 2 metres from people. I can stay at home in my rat hole and have food delivered to me like a fancy person. Hopefully I can get the basics box like elderly people do.

I signed up to social media, but yesterday day regretted it, because some people are very quick to judge and to jump to conclusions. Its really annoying and frustrating for me, so I have blocked some people. I only have it for Corona, so when that’s over and I can go outside, it will be deleted.

I also had my periods, but this time I cried because I realised I was having a “Corona Period” and couldn’t leave the house.

Confession time: It’s not even Easter yet and I have eaten 4 choc bunnies and one one egg. I’m putting on my winter weight early. Gotta get that shiny coat.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Struggle, Thoughts

How “The Golden Rule” Harms Autistic People

Posted on by Private Person

You read my mind with this post. The worst part is, when I try to walk away, sometimes people follow me.

Autistic Science Person's avatarAutistic Science Person

[This post was originally posted at The Aspergian. For new posts from me, head to my author profile on The Aspergian.]

Miscommunication and misinterpretation of autistic people happens very early in life.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Or in modern language, “Treat other people as you would like to be treated.”

Everyone knows about The Golden Rule. Most people learn about it from a young age, either in school, or in church, or from their parents. But this rule is part of the reason why unintentional harm of autistic people starts so early in life and is so pervasive in our society.

When I’m having a shutdown, I’d prefer non-autistics to:

  1. not look me directly in the eyes
  2. not ask me what is wrong
  3. not expect me to answer them
  4. not tell me they know how I am feeling
  5. not hug me (hugging…

View original post 988 more words

Posted in Frustrated Aspie, Struggle, Thoughts

Contact made

Posted on by Private Person

I called my LAC again today Thursday and finally she answered. I’ve been trying to contact her since the 28th of August and today at 3pm she answered. Open the champagne!

She gave the excuse of I’m so busy. Non stop.

So she didn’t even have time to take a few seconds to acknowledge my call or SMS? I need to go into her office tomorrow at 10am. If she’s not there, I’m calling the NDIS to make a formal complaint and fucking have them fired again and demand that I’m moved to a different company.

I’m allowing my anxiety speak to me I know, but its been over 2 weeks trying to contact her.

I really want to know if anyone else is getting messed around? Are they having as shitty time as I am?

I really don’t know what to do. I’m stuck. I’m so angry that I don’t even want to go see her because I know I’ll cry or get angry. I really want to say: WTF are you doing?

Do you know what a phone is?

I’m sorry if my disability is causing you employment!

I’m sorry my cries for help are making you do the job your being paid for.

Maybe I should put these on a t shirt.

©ASD plus me 2019.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Struggle, Thoughts

Only so many times I can complain about…

Posted on by Private Person

I didn’t realise that my blog was mainly complaining about negative things that have happened to me. I didn’t want it to be this way, but since I’m isolated and have no friends, (despite all my efforts and going very far out of my way, sometimes to just be used), I have no one else to talk to. I only see my psychologist once a month and I don’t want to burden my bf more than I already do.

Honestly, I never actually thought I would have actual followers. I’ve had many blogs and YouTube channels, but I’ve always been invisible, so thank you to the people who follow and read my blog. I only started this blog for something o do, but now I’m glad because I might meet new people.

I’ve been meaning to make more posts about food I like, food I eat, cooking, teaching myself how to sew from internet articles, YouTube videos and books I borrowed from the library.

Some quick updates:

•  I called the NDIS 2 weeks ago and they said I’ve been approved, so now I just need to wait for the agency to call me for the second meeting. I really would like to meet people my own age and maybe do some charity work or something meaningful with the time I have left.

•  I still really want to move to a different area, preferably quieter, with less houses that aren’t so cramped together. I want to live on flat ground, not a mountain side. We have a great view of the clouds, but a drive way that’s impossible for me to park in and difficult for me to drive out of.  I would love to live in Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls. I don’t know if small towns like that even exist in Australia.

•  I keep saying I’ll give up trying to make friends, but I keep doing it and keep failing. miserably. Last Thursday I attended an art group I had been to many times before. The class is mainly elderly church women and I think I’m the youngest (in my 40s). The women are nice, but I wish they wouldn’t make lunch plans in front of the class if all of the class aren’t invited. Its just rude and really hurtful to me. I ended up crying in my car afterwards. Then my bf called and I cried to him. He said these people are toxic and have no lives. This has happened before, but I keep returning, listening to peoples boring endless stories about wearing an onion on their belt which was a style at the time…

Why do I keep punishing myself? I want friends so badly, I guess I scare them away with my desperation. Is it me? I try to be nice, I try to contribute ideas etc, but I can’t break down the wall between us I guess. I know I should stop trying. Hopefully in the future things will change and get better.

(c) ASD and me 2019

Posted in Frustrated Aspie, Noise, Struggle, Thoughts

I’m a customer, not a criminal, so don’t treat me like one.

Posted on by Private Person

I went to a Big W yesterday. It used to have good quality clothing, but in the last few years, I’ve noticed a change to more cheap, low quality clothing, a lot more of polyester and crap I can’t wear. For over 20 years, I have shopped and chosen Big W over other brands and have been a loyal patron.

But this will change after yesterday.

I wanted to find a lamp. I hate the ones at the local Target, so I waited a week to visit Big W so I could go while visiting my parents. I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find any. And while I was searching, I noticed how messy and untidy the shop was.

I think they have forgotten they were a department store, not a Rave, and loud music was blasting through the overhead speakers. This started my Tinnitus and I decided to leave. I had wasted about 20 minutes and that was enough, so walked towards the exit.

Now, on my arrival, I had noticed the security guard and had hesitated for a second to enter, but then I saw an immigrant woman with  a handbag twice the size of mine walk past unharassed, so I thought it would be safe to enter. Gee, was I fucking wrong.

I had my finger over my ear to try and block the noise and walked out of the exit. The “security guard” said I need to check your bag. I said “no this is a hand bag you’re not allowed to check this”. He replied rather arrogantly “yes if its over30 cms I can”. My bag is smaller than that, so I knew this was him trying to bully or intimidate me, but I said okay and opened the zipper, pulled out a zip lock bag with pads in it and said “here look at my pads you fucking pervert!”

I was so fucking furious!

This is actually against the law. It DOES NOT apply to personal handbags. I also think I was discriminated against because of my skin colour. Normally I wouldn’t think this, but since he didn’t check the migrant woman’s bag, I am now.

I have so much more to say on this subject, but its making me angry and sad to keep thinking about it, so I’ll end by saying  this bag search thing is harmful to business and extremely hurtful to innocent people. If this is the future of customer service, I’ll stay home and buy online.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in #No cure needed, ASD, Autism, Frustrated Aspie, Struggle, Thoughts

My Autism is not going to be cured so stop asking me to prove it exists!

Posted on by Private Person

I have been trying to sign up to an online course and it is, of course, difficult and frustrating.

I already sent my paper work in last year, and was approved and have been enrolled, but then I wanted  to transfer.  And get help from a Councillor.

You would think that being disabled, they would make it easy for me to enroll.

But no.

When I call, its the stupid automated dialing system where you need to choose options and “Press 1”.

The first time I called, it didn’t work and there was no hold music, so I hung up and tried again. Then I was finally able to get through to a human, they needed to transfer me and force me to wait 3 minutes for someone on the other end.

This new person, although polite, told me that I needed to fill out more forms to PROOVE my disability  status.

I really wanted to scream!

So to this company, and everyone else, listen up:

1. There is no cure for autism!

2. There never will be.

3. There doesn’t need to be a cure; there is NOTHING wrong with us!

4. I really do not  want to talk about my Autism, especially to some random person on the phone.

5. Stop asking me to prove that I have it EVERY SINGLE TIME I want to study!

6. Just tick the fucking box, so I can get on with my life and stop discussing my very private health issues with strangers over the phone.

I’m going to say this again: THERE IS NO CURE FOR AUTISM!

Do not believe what some crazy trouble making bitch said on her blog, she did not cure her son’s Autism. The best you can do is get an allergy test for your child, or yourself and adjust your diet.

I am so fed up and exhausted by this shit. I just wanted to learn something to help me start a small business so I can work from home and not have to go through the agony and bullshit that are modern job interviews.

That may be my next post.

(c) ASD and me 2019.