Category: ASD

Posted in ASD, Autism, Thoughts

Things are different but the same…

Posted on by Private Person

I’m glad the stupid lockdowns are over, but I’m not sure how to move forward.

What should I do with my life?

I’m taking singing lessons and I joined a choir, but is this really what I want? I don’t want to just pass time like I used to being busy. I hate wasting my life, but how do I find a path?

I want to travel to America and become a country gospel singer

I pray, but I’m still not sure what I’m meant to be feeling when I pray, but I try to do it everyday. Hopefully good things will come from it.

I don’t know if its helping my autism, or if I even know what that is yet, but I feel different to how I felt in 2021 before the cancer scare.

  1. I really want to publish a book.
  2. I really want to travel to America.
  3. I really want to become a country singer.

Maybe that’s all I need to know for now.

Posted in ASD, Depression, Struggle, Thoughts

People staring and pointing at me…

Posted on by Private Person

This has happened to me many times in my life. People have stared at me, gossiped about me, pointed at me, bullied me deliberately excluded me, used me, abused me, hurt me emotionally and physically and more things I think I have blocked out.

I’ve never had a real friend. The people I’ve thought were my friends were like facebook friends, just a click on a screen, just electric dreams, an illusion of friendship. These people are fleeting and temporary and don’t really matter. They don’t care about me, just use me as a tool to get what they want, either a free lift home or something else.

Posted in 2021, ASD, ASMR, Autism, Thoughts

I need to grow…

Posted on by Private Person

I’ve been trying to push myself to do new things the past almost 2 years since my funding was approved. It normally doesn’t go as well as I had hoped, but at least I’m able to leave the house and I’m still alive.

I still want to work and travel and a lot more things I hope I can do in the future when covid is finally over.

(c) ASD and me 2021.

I need to grow…
Posted in 2021, ASD, Autism, Depression, Struggle, Thoughts

Bittersweet dreams…

Posted on by Private Person

I’m still having trouble sleeping. I just lie in bed thinking about things, staring at the ceiling. When I do get to sleep, its broken and my bf snores, so that keeps me awake and wakes me as well.

I wish I could tell the CV and psychologist off, but I’m powerless. They are going to get away with doxxing me and turning my life upside down.

I wish I could have beautiful dreams of sunny warm days, picnics with friends and happy days. Not nightmares about betrayal and lies.

Maybe things will get better in the future. Hopefully.

(c)ASD and me 2021

Bittersweet dreams
Posted in Angry Autie, ASD, Autism, Struggle, Thoughts

She said we were friends…

Posted on by Private Person

I still feel so betrayed by my community visitor person. She said we were good friends and acted like we were. I trusted her and told her about my secrets and showed her my drawings. I opened up more to her than I have to any other person. So how was this bravery on my part rewarded?

She stabbed me in the back!

I’ve mentioned before how she took my photo without my permission and printed it in the paper, especially after I had said no many times. So she knew, she just didn’t care. She was just pretending to be my friend and care about me for money.

Now I can’t sleep and my appetite is erratic. I was trying to eat healthy, but now its really difficult to even decide what to eat or have the energy to cook.

I’m so confused about what happened, I have no one to talk to about it and I have no closure. She’s not even a real psychologist, but pretended to be for money I guess.

Did they think they could trick me out of my funding? I still have no idea.

What I do have are sleepless nights full of tossing, turning and crying. I’m worse off than I was before and my depression has worsened.

But nothing has happened to her, her life is still fine. She still has a family and a job where she can manipulate and use people for her own means and get away with it.

I don’t know how to proceed. How do I get past this massive Mount Everest sized betrayal?

(c) ASD and me 2021.

She said we were friends…
Posted in 2021, ASD, Autism, Thoughts

Art therapy helped me last year, now I want to publish a book…

Posted on by Private Person

Last year I started sharing my drawings on another blog, Pinterest and Instagram. Those accounts are deleted now, but I want to share some on this site so I can try to get a book published.

It really helped me last year when I was stuck at home, being anxious and depressed all the time, to draw my feelings. I’m bad at drawing and they come out crappy and crude, but they are honest, so that’s all I care about. My drawings are for me really, and I had been making them for years until last year I decided to share some. Until then, I hadn’t told a soul about them.

Some are self explanatory, but some, are really abstract and may be hard to interpret for people not living in my brain.

I hope readers enjoy them and maybe get something thing from it like I did making them.

(c) ASD and me 2021

Posted in ASD, Autism, Frustrated Aspie, Thoughts

What not to say to a person with ASD

Posted on by Private Person

Aren’t we all a bit Autistic?

No. Why is this even a thing people think? Would they say everyone has a bit of cancer in them? This just rude and dismissive.

You’re a hero and an inspiration.

Why? Because I get out of bed and don’t cry all day?

I hate when people say this. They may mean it in a nice way, but it still feels like I should be on a stage in a freak show for people to point and gawk at.

Soldiers fighting in wars are heroes, Doctors curing disease are heroes, Firefighters are heroes, Police who protect the public are heroes, not some women who just wakes up every day like everyone else does.

You should be proud.

Proud of what? I didn’t ask to be born with Autism, I struggle everyday with my disabilities. I hate them mostly, but there’s no cure for Autism and anxiety and depression are difficult to fix, so I have to live with them; I don’t have a choice. And suicide isn’t an option for me, so that’s why I’m trying different things, like swim lessons, art classes, online study, to see if any of them make me feel better.

You’re so sensitive and stop being sensitive.

How about you stop trying to bully me, control me, be bitchy to me and just leave me alone. I really do not need nor want you harassing me.

And yes I’m a sensitive person. I care about animals, my family, good people, world peace, all good things in the world. How about you focus on your lack of sensitivity and compassion and stop bullying people.

You’re so quiet

Yes I am quiet. How about move away from me if you want to be noisy, or smoke, or spray deodorant, or eat stinky food like curry.

And yes, I want quiet when I’m shopping because its a shop, not a nightclub and I don’t want to lose my hearing because I need to buy food.

You should eat Chilli, it’s good for you

If another person tells me to eat chilli, it’s good for you, it’s good for my digestion, it will help me loose weight, I’ll scream. I don’t know how many times I have to say I’m fucking allergic to it. How about I force you and peer pressure you to eat something you’re allergic to huh?

Also, I’m fine with my weight as it is, I don’t live on a scale like you so how about you keep your thinly veiled comments about my weight to yourself. Maybe eat some chilli, or some carbs, then you won’t be so nasty.

(c) ASD and me 2020.

Posted in ASD, Autism

My overwhelmed brain

Posted on by Private Person

Channah's avatarAdventures & Aspierations

This week has been a tough one for me. Actually it all started accumulating a couple of weeks ago when I really started struggling at work – it was all suddenly getting very overwhelming as I was forced to do things I hadn’t done before, work with people I hadn’t worked with before, and a certain situation just pushed me over the edge. One aspect of my Asperger’s is that I really struggle learning to do things with my hands or use any kind of tools, and it is almost impossible for me to repeat a motor task someone shows me. I actually recently learned that I almost 100% have dyspraxia, which is a developmental co-ordination disorder that affects co-ordination, spatial awareness and sensory perception, and it is closely related to my ASD diagnosis, meaning my brain just isn’t wired like the ‘normal’, neurotypical brain. I was told that since…

View original post 962 more words