Tag: Thoughts

Wow. Its hard for me to believe that I’ve been writing on this blog continuously for a year. I started this blog last year because I was getting a diagnosis of ASD and was very confused and scared. I had too many questions, like was my whole life about to change? Was my life a lie? Who am I now? Who was I? What do I want to be now?

Many times I have struggled to get words down. I have fumbled more times than I can remember, but I kept going, in hopes somehow this blog would help me. And has it? I’m not sure, but I like writing out my feelings, even if no one else ever reads them, at least I have a record of my thoughts.

I’ve had many blogs in the past. The first blog I started was around 2010 on Blogger but I didn’t use it much. Then I found WordPress and everything changed. I learned how to upload, to add photos and memes, to make my own inspiration quotes and just to express myself.

I know I’m not the best writer, but I’m slowly learning.

I hope to publish a book one day, but I’m not good at fiction writing and all I do is struggle. Despite all the writing books I’ve read, its still very difficult. I plan to keep writing and uploading, at least once a week. Writing helps my memory, so I want to keep doing it.

I was hoping that I would make some friends, but now I have no expectations, since I haven’t told anyone in the real world about my blog and I don’t plan to.

I hope things change in the future and my health improves, all the bushfires are extinguished, snow returns and I really want to move to a different area, away from this mountain. I would like to meet new people and make friends, but I’m not holding my breath. I’m learning to do things on my own and not rely on other people, so hopefully that will continue.

I’m still not sure how I feel about having ASD, but its in me and now I have to deal with it. Maybe it won’t be too bad once I get more help and find a better place to live.

©ASD and me 2019.

Friday bf and I drove to Sydney early and saw the sun rising as a huge glowing orange ball of light.  When we arrived at my parents house, the sun was enormous. I tried to photograph it, but I only had my Samsung phone so I had limitations. I had planned to take my mother Christmas shopping.

In the afternoon, the sky was light brown, foggy and full of dust. Bits of ash were on the ground and it was getting harder to breathe outside. The smoke irritated my nostrils when I was outside so I had to go back in. The smell was everywhere. My brother and dad were smoking inside and that made me angry. Do they not see the brown colour of the sky? Or that we can’t see more than 2 houses away? How can people be so inconsiderate or selfish or I don’t know, in denial? I’ve had arguments with my dad in the past about his disgusting habit, so I try to stay from him while he’s smoking.

This bush fire seems to have control of me and I don’t know why. I know that its still far away and if we need to evacuate, the news and other neighbours will tell us. I have a bag packed and emergency supplies and will buy more, but I still feel unsafe.

I woke up Sunday and the sky here is brown. All the mountains are gone, swallowed by the relentless smoke. I feel helpless in a strange debilitating way. I really want the fires to stop, but I have no control. I can’t escape the smoke. I hate feeling helpless, it makes me very anxious and then I panic.

Even as I type, I can feel the smoke entering my nose, sharp and peppery. It smells bitter and pungent and hot. It stings my skin and makes me sneeze.

Nothing has escaped this suffocating blanket. Our car has ash on the hood, the garage roof has a layer. I saw a bird fly past and it stumbled mid flight. I worry about about the poor animals, they have smaller lungs than humans. I want to put out food and water for them, but I’m worried it will be contaminated by falling ash.

The weather report said rain is due so hopefully we will get some peace and fresh air soon.

ASD and me 2019.

https://www.service.nsw.gov.au/life-events/natural-disasters/dealing-bushfire

https://www.emergency.nsw.gov.au/Pages/for-the-community/disaster-assistance/disaster-assistance.aspx

I have had disabilities most of my life. I don’t like them. I’ve tried to cure them or make their severity less, I’ve been to many doctors, psychologists, even social groups, to try and cure myself. My goal was to cure myself, to make my self less socially anxious and less depressed.

I didn’t cause these disabilities or illnesses. I try to eat healthy food. I rarely eat chocolate. I don’t smoke, I hate smoking and try to stay away from smokers because I have allergies. I had an expensive allergy test to find what things I need to stay away from. I had very expensive and painful dentists appointments to fix my teeth so I can eat proper food and not live on baby food and junk.

I don’t want any of these disabilities or illness. If I could cure them, I would. But since I can’t, I’m forced to live with them, which is a huge struggle everyday.

So it really blows my mind that people, with a perfectly functioning body, would CHOOSE to make themselves disabled. Its called trans abled, but the medical term is Body Integrity Dysphoria.

This is so disrespectful and a kick in the face to the disabled. Its also aggravating because some of these people, Choosers I’m naming them, can get Welfare. It took me over a year to prove my disabilities to the government, but still I only receive disability support, not welfare payments.

I’m so confused and angered as to why anyone would make themselves disabled, like the women who poured drain cleaner into her eyes to make herself blind, or the man who cut off his own arm. This is not a thing that should be happening. This makes me scared for children now.

Do these people have hypochondria? Do they hear of an illness on the news and think they have it? If their leg itches, do they think they have the plague? Or do they think, maybe its the new fabric softener?

I fear for the future of humanity now. People are already allowed to have genitals removed, what will be next?

I think the world is speeding towards a dystopian future and I want to get off.

©ASD and me™  2019.

We’ve had smoke here almost every day for a week. Every time I look out the back windows, it looks like the sky is full of brown fog. I made the mistake of looking up the fire service website and there are two fires near my location, not one like I thought before. One is under control, but the other is burning through a national park.

It makes me feel anxious and worried and helpless, to think that this action of nature, can kill and destroy us. It holds no grudges, simply burns all who stands in its path. I feel sorry for the small wildlife who are trapped or can’t run fast, like the Koalas.

Everyday I look at government weather reports and pray for rain. I’m not an especially religious person, but if I did believe in a higher power that is stronger than me, I want it to bring rain. Sweet relief from the heat. The stifling, dehydrating heat.

I have to trick my mind by saying that I can eat some chocolate and it will be fine. The little child in me want to cry and roll up in a ball, and yell I don’t the fire here, or I don’t want to go to the dentist and have his hands in my mouth. But the adult is practical and says if we remove the tooth, the pain will stop and then we can eat healthy food again.

I’m also totally confused why some people are such selfish, inconsiderate jerks. They seem to not notice the sky filled with dust. They are too busy smoking or fighting, or blasting loud music. They would rather stick their head in the dirt or a puff of smoke than help.

I have always hated summer. That’s why I moved to a cooler place. I prefer winter clothing and winter foods. I can breathe and actually move without sweating. The other day, a man walked past us, and flicked his lit cigarette on the the road and kept walking. I stomped it out and wanted to yell something, but bf said don’t bother, he doesn’t care. That man’s actions really angered me and I thought about it all day.

The forecast claims to have rain coming, so hopefully it does and the fires are extinguished.

©ASD and me 2019.