Posted in Noise, Thoughts

I hate your noise. Just be quiet #1

“Everybody’s talkin’ at me,

I can’t hear a word their sayin’,

only the echoes of my mind…”

– Harry Nilsson

I hate people’s noise. I’m mean I really fucking hate peoples stupid juvenile unnecessary noise. It’s ruining more places for me, even my own home life.

For example: if you are wearing headphones, that’s great. Thank you. I appreciate you not forcing everyone to listen to your thumping garbage.

But

If you are playing YOUR music so loudly that I can hear YOUR music from YOUR head phone 2 desks away, then that’s a problem.

This happens everywhere: libraries, quiet carriage on trains, buses, shopping centres, even people walking past on the footpath. They are called headphones because their place is on your head. Not around your neck or hanging from your pocket or backpack.

So if you decide to listen to music, make sure only you can hear it. You are free to deafen yourself if you choose to, but don’t force it on other people.

(c) ASD and me 2019

Posted in Cleaning, Tidying, Thoughts

Extreme KonMari method: hard, exhausting work, but I’m glad I did it.

I’ve been keeping busy since Christmas by tidying and giving stuff away, mainly to family or charity. I’ve been following the KonMari method of cleaning from the book:

The life changing magic of tidying up by Marie Kondo.

The items I gave away mainly were clothing and containers. I had lots of tracksuit pants that I didn’t wear because the inside lining was polyester or nylon , which is irritating to my skin. I normally buy cotton clothing, but sometimes its very difficult since manufacturers don’t make many pure cotton items. But if I find one, its overly expensive for no good reason I can see.

I have been buying from Op shops or charity shops for years and can sometimes find good clothing that fits me, isn’t stained in weird places with strange colours and is a good price.

I had striped bags full of clothing, blankets, towels, face cloths, napkins, unopened packs of bulk underwear and socks. I went through everything and decided to give away most of it. I kept some things, but most of it wasn’t needed and I didn’t even realise having them or even remember buying some of them. I think I was a bit of a hoarder. Most of the bags are empty now.

I had more than 10 pairs of tracksuits pants. I kept 4 that weren’t itchy and gave the rest away. I had t shirts that didn’t fit anymore, some were old, some were childish and made me wonder why I had kept them.

The kitchen food containers were a hassle. I had some missing lids, and a pile of loose lids with no bodies. I guess containers are like socks.

I also cleaned out the kitchen drawers. I don’t know why I had 5 wooden spoons, but I don’t now. I kept one and gave the rest away, so they can find a new home.

I have 5 cups in the cupboard and 4 dinner plates and 4 small plates. I also found a box of Willow porcelain plates I was given years ago, that I’ll keep for special occasions.

Now my linen press, kitchen and cabinets, wardrobe are now clutter free. Things can breathe and I can see exactly where things are and what I have.

I’m not minimalist, but I’m not a hoarder, which feels good and less stressed when I open my wardrobe door and know that all my clothes I can wear are in there. I don’t need to look for something that isn’t itchy or tight or too long or too short. I dont need to search through bags and take bags down or move bags to get to other bags and I don’t need a ladder now to get to clothes. I even hung my good cotton business looking shirts as well. They’re all shades of blue, which is my favourite colour. I can see all the colours of my clothing and realised they are dark, so I want to buy more shades of colours and not just dark blue, brown, black and grey.

I was shopping and I found a beautiful Dr Seuss mug from the supermarket. I figured after the past 6 months or so, I need something nice after all my appointments and tidying and bad news.

I would recommend the book and the tidying process to everyone. It really does feel better being tidy and I don’t want to go back to being messy and cluttered ever again.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

cup 3

Posted in ASD, Autism, Depression, Thoughts

I think I’m in shock… or something

I’ve been very confused lately. Just wondering around, like a zombie, not eating much, not saying much. Crying a lot.

Now that its official, I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I thought having a diagnosis would make me feel better, but I feel worse. I also have no emotions. I’m just running on auto pilot and I’ve begun to hate my life. I can’t seem to find anything good to cling to. I just feel lost and am struggling with everything. I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing and sleep then wake up and be happy and normal.

The ASD test said that I wasn’t depressed, but its wrong. I think I’m beyond depression. I’ve left depression island and am now floating down “Where the fuck am I going?” river.

I need to move, I need more money, I need to have an MRI, I need lots of things. But I’m so mentally exhausted, I can’t do these things. I don’t have the energy, so I guess the rest of my life will be wasted at home, in a house I hate, in a shitty neighbourhood I can’t afford to leave and just rot to death in a private hell I can’t escape from.

(c) ASD and me 2019

Posted in Thoughts

I still don’t like phone calls

I called the NDIS yesterday to ask to reapply. The women I spoke to was was nice, but I was anxious on the phone again and made mistakes.

I really hope this is worth it. It doesn’t matter how many phone calls I make, I still don’t like talking on the phone to strangers. It affects my life and prevents me from calling employers.

I hope I can change and become more confident in the future. Enough so I don’t cry a river every time I make a phone call to a person I don’t know.

(c) ASD and me.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Thoughts

It’s life Autie but not as you know it

What a day. What a week. Waiting for the testing results and waiting for the psychologist to call. She finally did after I called the second time and the receptionist could tell I was crying. I tried not to, I was very anxious to end the call, but didn’t want to be rude.

The psychologist called me back and explained it was a misunderstanding and said it was okay. I was just glad she had called me.

I’ve been going back and forth for months now, but its finally official. The results came in a long 5 page document.

I have ASD. Level 2 with severe anxiety.

I don’t know if its good or bad yet.

I really don’t know how to feel. When the psychologist called this morning, I cried during the call, after the call, then cried in the shower.

Am I the same person or am I different? I’ve been like this my whole life. Will this change who I am? or will I be the same?

Too may questions buzzing around my head. I thought the diagnosis would be a relief, to finally know after all this time; but It wasn’t.

It just created more bees.

Maybe in a few days, weeks, months, I’ll be okay with it, but for now, the Schrodinger cat is out of the box and it can’t be put back in.

(c) ASD and me 2019

Posted in Thoughts

Crazy day #1: Valentines day

I hate valentines day for so many reasons.

Why do we even celebrate it? Originally it was to celebrate a priest who married couples even though the king had banned marriage. But now its become a Hallmark holiday and people go crazy buying junk they don’t need, to throw in land fill the next day.

Most of the red roses that are sold, are imported from South Africa, sprayed with Round Up (a chemical used to kill grass and other things), and are sometimes sprayed with artificial scents.

My bf had been working over time to pay for our house repairs and I wanted to buy him a present to say thankyou. I don’t know what possessed me, but I knew he likes the marzipan from Aldi, so I willingly walked in. At 3 pm. I must have lost my mind because when I couldn’t find it, I drove to Coles.

I ended up buying a $12 black forest gateau, then dodging all the brats and crazy people in the mad dash to grab the discounted valentines day crap, like a cheap teddy that sang Be my baby.

Trying to navigate the exit was like being in Pamplona during the running of the bulls; I had to stay at the side to prevent being trampled.

I’m back to my senses now. Cake is gone. Only crazy days left are my birthday and Easter.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Thoughts

Ring, ring, why won’t she give me a call?

I called the ASD psychologist Tuesday, 3 days ago and left a message with her receptionist but she hasn’t called back. I really want to freak out and cry and break things, but I’m not a child anymore, am fully grown woman, so need to think of reasons why she has me waiting in the pit of hell.

1. Maybe she has been really busy with other clients and hasn’t had time.

2. Maybe she hasn’t been in the office because she’s been ill.

3. Maybe she has had family stuff to deal with.

4. Maybe she was hit by a kangaroo. (This actually happens where I live).

5. Maybe she was abducted by aliens. ( I’ve heard rumours this has happened).

6. Maybe she secretly quit and ran away laughing maniacally with my $650 payment. (ha, ha, ha, ha, stupid ding bat; I made up ASD to steal money from clients. Its a scam).

Okay, I know these aren’t true, (or I hope their not), I’m just anxious and I let it run wild with my imagination and they aren’t my friends. They are the bad kids who sit up the back and smoke and throw spit balls and flick rubber bands at the smart students in the front row.

I’ll have to call her today.

Again.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Thoughts

No answers yet

Yesterday I saw my psychologist. She didn’t have the results from the ASD psychologist, so we talked for an hour then I came home.

Its been three weeks so I guess I need to call her. I don’t like making phone calls, but I’m getting better and I am a bit more confident (sometimes) than I used to be.

I’m only really nervous calling a stranger. Making doctors appointment are okay, but I still don’t like doing it. I have no problems calling my parents or bf.

I guess I need to just do it.

Wish me luck.

(c)ASD and me.

quote future plans

Posted in Thoughts

Beware of copyright. Please don’t steal

In case it isn’t obvious, everything on this site belongs to me. I own the intellectual copyright under Australian copyright laws, so please don’t steal any of my work.

I’m the writer, the author, the typist, I choose the look and I make my own quotes. I put a lot of time and effort into my blog. It may not seem that way since you just see the end result, not the hours of learning or struggling with disabilities, the editing and self doubt.

If you have a blog or intend to start one, consider it your small business and protect yourself. Learn to make a logo and add a copyright symbol. I use GIMP, which is a free open source software for graphic design.

I’m thinking about the future of my blog and I would like to turn it into a paper book with my hand drawn illustrations, my thoughts from this blog and other thoughts.

If you re tweet or repost the memes and quotes on social media, please credit this blog: ASD and me.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Thoughts

Thoughts #3

I just called to confirm my ASD testing for Thursday 10 am, and was told that the testing will take 3 hours. Now I’m thinking, holy crap what the heck will happen in this testing? How many questions will the doctor be asking?

I’ve been waiting for almost 2 months, but I’m still not ready. If I have ASD, what does that mean? Can I FINALLY get government assistance? Will people now believe I actually have something wrong with me and I’m not just lazy?

And what if I don’t have ASD? What will that mean for my future? Will I have wasted $650 for nothing? I wonder if I can get a part rebate from Medicare.

Too may questions are buzzing around in my head again, or as I call it “the bees are back”. I just need it done.

I really need to know, do I have ASD?

(c)ASD and me.