Category: Thoughts

There are fires in parts of NSW and I’m worried. My psychologist and another doctor called to cancel our appointments because they need to go home and stay home tomorrow.

The NSW Fire Service made a public announcement that they want people to leave early and evacuate their homes because they can’t guarantee that a fire truck can get to you. They’re even getting extra trucks and staff up from Victoria to help fight the fire.

I started rushing so I could get stuff done and tried to rush my bf to do some things as well. I said I wasn’t worried about the fire, but I was, I just didn’t admit to it. He said there’s no smoke in the sky here.

Even though I don’t like where I live and want to move elsewhere, I don’t want my house to burn down. We have special cladding installed on the outside of our house which is meant to be fire proof, but I’m still worried.

I needed to do some shopping and I rushed through it. I forgot some things from my list, but I just wanted to get stuff done then get home.

With dropping stuff off at Vinnies and the shopping, I was gone less than an hour. When I arrived home, he said “you were quick. I knew you were panicking about the fire”.

Living in the mountains has beautiful trees and mountains, big blue skies and a canvas of clouds but also dangers, like bush fires. I’m rethinking seriously about buying land now. I also don’t like that I let myself panic, when it doesn’t nothing but use up my energy and confuse my brain. I thought I was past this, but it seems I have a lot more work to do.

©ASD and me 2019.

Yesterday I saw the Community Visitor person and it was okay. We talked, looked at some cards, filled out forms, then went for a walk down the hill to the park, then back up to her office.

I agreed to attend a group this Thursday with other clients, but now I’m kind of regretting it. These people will be locals and I’m worried about people knowing about my disabilities. I have a gossipy neighbour and after all the trouble I’ve had in the past, I don’t want anymore.

Hopefully this group will be beneficial. I’m not expecting to make friends, just to get out of the house for a few hours and maybe meet some nice people.

©ASD and me 2019

I keep looking out the same window, hearing the same noises and the same dogs bark. Thinking the same thoughts, wishing I could be away from here. I’m not sure of the location, but I know it will be somewhere quiet and safe. Somewhere I won’t be abused, harassed or deafened.

Maybe a soft fluffy cloud to sleep on and have beautiful dreams. Or nice green grass to wriggle my toes in.

I keep hoping everyday that some miracle will happen. that ill be rescued from this place.

Sunday was hot. I had to move the wood from the driveway, but it was extremely heavy so I could only move them down the driveway a bit. So I spent the afternoon watching the Addams family.

I’ve always loved the Addams family. When i was young, I wanted to find a man like Gomez. A man who would respect me and adore me  way he loves Mortica.

But that’s just a character someone made by writers.

©ASD and me 2019.

I volunteered at the church again today. Some people were having a conversation about a girl who likes taking a lot of photos and a woman said “she has Autism”. The man who asked the question said “oh that makes sense”. Then they changed the subject.

The question wasn’t mean spirited or bullying, I think he was new to the area and he wasn’t familiar with this this girl or her sometimes unusual behaviour. Everyone who knows her knows what’s she’s like so, I guess they’re used to it.

I like how accepting this question and answer was. Just, she has Autism. No malice, just a neutral fact. I wish everyone was as accepting and kind, but I’ve learned from past experiences that some people can use what they see as a weakness as a weapon against you.

I did think, why does finding out someone has Autism “makes sense”? Does having a mental illness give someone a pass for unusual behaviour? Is it like how children can wear pyjamas or a baby can be out in public wearing just a nappy and people will say how cute they are? Or is it because some people are unsure or, not nervous, but don’t know how to act around disabled people? (including me).

I thought at that moment, I have autism too, but I didn’t say anything. I want to tell people, but I feel like its still my secret and I want to protect it because once information is out, there’s no way to retract it.

Hopefully one day I’ll feel safe enough to tell people who aren’t a doctor or a social worker.

©ASD and me 2019.

I watched an amazing TED talk yesterday by Johann Hari. He’s a writer, author and researcher and has published books on anxiety and depression.

It made me think about all the things that I’m depressed about in my life:

1. I had a huge argument with my LAC on the phone on Monday. We disagree about what her job role is and I had a panic attack, then she stared being rude to me and I was rude back. I said I will report her to the NDIA and she replied “please do” in a shitty attitude. I have never had a person, who was meant to have my best interest at heart, be so rude and have an awful attitude. She even yelled at me, so I hung up and cried.

Now I don’t know what to do. I asked the NDIA before if I could change to a different LAC and the man said he made an appointment for me, but nothing happened.

So now I’m super stressed because I really need a support partner and I have no idea what to do and no one to help me.

So I’m stuck again. Just makes me think, I went through year of stress and waiting and paper work for this?

2. My location. I hate where I live. If if it didn’t have shitty noisy idiots or drug dealers or people who neglect their dogs and let them bark all day, it would would be a nice quiet place. But sadly it does.

I keep looking for land and houses further out, so maybe I’ll strike gold and find somewhere nice. On flat ground with decent neighbours. Or no close neighbours would be good.

3. Health issues. I need to see a podiatrist to get my feet checked. Some times the arches ache so much that I can’t walk , which really sucks because I like walking and I need the exercise. I can’t go to a gym because they are ridiculously expensive are so noisy with that deafening music and the people all prancing around showing off their pecs and super tight stretchy clothing covered in sweat. (gross).

I’m sure there are a lot more reasons but these 3 are top of the list right now.

ASD and me 2019.

https://2018.johannhari.com/

I just found out that Jordan Peterson has gone to rehab to help with withdraw symptoms after he stopped taking anti anxiety medicine. I’ve never met Jordan Peterson in real life, but I wanted to after seeing his interviews and buying his book. I really hope he recovers.

I’ve been called paranoid in the past and I’ve even felt it, but I feel now that my feeling were right. Mind altering drugs, whether legal or illegal, or dangerous. I’ve always been afraid of them, and now, I have even more reason to run away from them.

I’m even afraid of taking medical marijuana, since I’ve heard it can bring out schizophrenia. Its in my family, and I have Autism, so who knows what else is hidden in there?

I took an antidepressant once, half a pill, and it made my head feel like I had a hangover. And that was half a pill. I threw them out and haven’t taken any since and never will again.

Don’t let anyone pressure you into taking medicine or dugs you don’t want.

Don’t let doctors or anyone else pressure you either. You have the right to say no or you want to do some research first before taking any drug.

If you are afraid of what effect drugs will have on you, like I am, try a book called Feeling good by David Burns. Also try CBT which is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I’ve tried it and it makes you keep a diary of thoughts so you can keep track of your bad habits and patterns. All drug free.

ASD and me 2019.