Category: Thoughts

I have had disabilities most of my life. I don’t like them. I’ve tried to cure them or make their severity less, I’ve been to many doctors, psychologists, even social groups, to try and cure myself. My goal was to cure myself, to make my self less socially anxious and less depressed.

I didn’t cause these disabilities or illnesses. I try to eat healthy food. I rarely eat chocolate. I don’t smoke, I hate smoking and try to stay away from smokers because I have allergies. I had an expensive allergy test to find what things I need to stay away from. I had very expensive and painful dentists appointments to fix my teeth so I can eat proper food and not live on baby food and junk.

I don’t want any of these disabilities or illness. If I could cure them, I would. But since I can’t, I’m forced to live with them, which is a huge struggle everyday.

So it really blows my mind that people, with a perfectly functioning body, would CHOOSE to make themselves disabled. Its called trans abled, but the medical term is Body Integrity Dysphoria.

This is so disrespectful and a kick in the face to the disabled. Its also aggravating because some of these people, Choosers I’m naming them, can get Welfare. It took me over a year to prove my disabilities to the government, but still I only receive disability support, not welfare payments.

I’m so confused and angered as to why anyone would make themselves disabled, like the women who poured drain cleaner into her eyes to make herself blind, or the man who cut off his own arm. This is not a thing that should be happening. This makes me scared for children now.

Do these people have hypochondria? Do they hear of an illness on the news and think they have it? If their leg itches, do they think they have the plague? Or do they think, maybe its the new fabric softener?

I fear for the future of humanity now. People are already allowed to have genitals removed, what will be next?

I think the world is speeding towards a dystopian future and I want to get off.

©ASD and me™  2019.

We’ve had smoke here almost every day for a week. Every time I look out the back windows, it looks like the sky is full of brown fog. I made the mistake of looking up the fire service website and there are two fires near my location, not one like I thought before. One is under control, but the other is burning through a national park.

It makes me feel anxious and worried and helpless, to think that this action of nature, can kill and destroy us. It holds no grudges, simply burns all who stands in its path. I feel sorry for the small wildlife who are trapped or can’t run fast, like the Koalas.

Everyday I look at government weather reports and pray for rain. I’m not an especially religious person, but if I did believe in a higher power that is stronger than me, I want it to bring rain. Sweet relief from the heat. The stifling, dehydrating heat.

I have to trick my mind by saying that I can eat some chocolate and it will be fine. The little child in me want to cry and roll up in a ball, and yell I don’t the fire here, or I don’t want to go to the dentist and have his hands in my mouth. But the adult is practical and says if we remove the tooth, the pain will stop and then we can eat healthy food again.

I’m also totally confused why some people are such selfish, inconsiderate jerks. They seem to not notice the sky filled with dust. They are too busy smoking or fighting, or blasting loud music. They would rather stick their head in the dirt or a puff of smoke than help.

I have always hated summer. That’s why I moved to a cooler place. I prefer winter clothing and winter foods. I can breathe and actually move without sweating. The other day, a man walked past us, and flicked his lit cigarette on the the road and kept walking. I stomped it out and wanted to yell something, but bf said don’t bother, he doesn’t care. That man’s actions really angered me and I thought about it all day.

The forecast claims to have rain coming, so hopefully it does and the fires are extinguished.

©ASD and me 2019.

I saw the Community Visitor person for the second time on Tuesday. It was okay. We walked around the park and I took photographs for my online course, then we drove to a nursery and I saw that plants were on sale, so I bought 10 small hedge plants. I plan to start another hedge when the front garden bed is built.

I hope these outings get better. At the moment they are nice, but I want to go places I haven’t been before. I appreciate that she’s trying to help me, but I can drive around my own town myself. I guess we can’t go too far since we only have 2 hours. If I find somewhere farther away then I may suggest it and we can get a time extension.

©ASD and me 2019.