I’m still waiting for people to call me and to get new help. I really dont know what to do. I cant stop thinking about what happened and I can’t sleep. I’m trying to eat healthy, but its really hard to not just eat chocolate like I used to.
I really wish I could get a personal trainer or find a group of women my age to exercise and socialise with.
(c)ASD and me 2021
This has happened to me many times in my life. People have stared at me, gossiped about me, pointed at me, bullied me deliberately excluded me, used me, abused me, hurt me emotionally and physically and more things I think I have blocked out.
I’ve never had a real friend. The people I’ve thought were my friends were like facebook friends, just a click on a screen, just electric dreams, an illusion of friendship. These people are fleeting and temporary and don’t really matter. They don’t care about me, just use me as a tool to get what they want, either a free lift home or something else.
I’ve been feeling so depressed lately sometimes it feels like I wont stop crying. A few times I felt my eyes almost fill with tears and I don’t know why. I’m hoping my support coordinator can find some new services to help me soon.
I still can’t believe the psychologist and CV used and abused me. I’m still having trouble sleeping, eating, getting motivated etc. I’m struggling to write on this blog every weekday as well, but I really want a book published.
I don’t even feel like painting anymore. All the money I made from selling the 4 paintings was spent on new art materials and now I regret it. Maybe I’ll feel better in the future and I’ll want to paint again. For now, I only have the energy for drawing small watercolour paintings.
(c) ASD and me 2021
I drew this during Covid last year. I had so many bad thoughts, so much depression and anxiety and always felt stressed and awful. This year I’m feeling a bit better, but I still struggle a lot with things.
Sometimes I still want to crawl in a hole and be alone, but mostly now, I want to become healthier, happier, more positive and exercise more.
(c) ASD and me 2021
I’m still having trouble sleeping. I just lie in bed thinking about things, staring at the ceiling. When I do get to sleep, its broken and my bf snores, so that keeps me awake and wakes me as well.
I wish I could tell the CV and psychologist off, but I’m powerless. They are going to get away with doxxing me and turning my life upside down.
I wish I could have beautiful dreams of sunny warm days, picnics with friends and happy days. Not nightmares about betrayal and lies.
Maybe things will get better in the future. Hopefully.
(c)ASD and me 2021
I still feel so betrayed by my community visitor person. She said we were good friends and acted like we were. I trusted her and told her about my secrets and showed her my drawings. I opened up more to her than I have to any other person. So how was this bravery on my part rewarded?
She stabbed me in the back!
I’ve mentioned before how she took my photo without my permission and printed it in the paper, especially after I had said no many times. So she knew, she just didn’t care. She was just pretending to be my friend and care about me for money.
Now I can’t sleep and my appetite is erratic. I was trying to eat healthy, but now its really difficult to even decide what to eat or have the energy to cook.
I’m so confused about what happened, I have no one to talk to about it and I have no closure. She’s not even a real psychologist, but pretended to be for money I guess.
Did they think they could trick me out of my funding? I still have no idea.
What I do have are sleepless nights full of tossing, turning and crying. I’m worse off than I was before and my depression has worsened.
But nothing has happened to her, her life is still fine. She still has a family and a job where she can manipulate and use people for her own means and get away with it.
I don’t know how to proceed. How do I get past this massive Mount Everest sized betrayal?
(c) ASD and me 2021.
ASD and me 
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