This is from last year from my old blog. I was so anxious and depressed from the bushfires and covid, I thought my heart would break.
Covid heart…
Category: Depression
People staring and pointing at me…
This has happened to me many times in my life. People have stared at me, gossiped about me, pointed at me, bullied me deliberately excluded me, used me, abused me, hurt me emotionally and physically and more things I think I have blocked out.
I’ve never had a real friend. The people I’ve thought were my friends were like facebook friends, just a click on a screen, just electric dreams, an illusion of friendship. These people are fleeting and temporary and don’t really matter. They don’t care about me, just use me as a tool to get what they want, either a free lift home or something else.
Drowning in tears
I’ve been feeling so depressed lately sometimes it feels like I wont stop crying. A few times I felt my eyes almost fill with tears and I don’t know why. I’m hoping my support coordinator can find some new services to help me soon.
I still can’t believe the psychologist and CV used and abused me. I’m still having trouble sleeping, eating, getting motivated etc. I’m struggling to write on this blog every weekday as well, but I really want a book published.
I don’t even feel like painting anymore. All the money I made from selling the 4 paintings was spent on new art materials and now I regret it. Maybe I’ll feel better in the future and I’ll want to paint again. For now, I only have the energy for drawing small watercolour paintings.
(c) ASD and me 2021
Heavy burden
I drew this during Covid last year. I had so many bad thoughts, so much depression and anxiety and always felt stressed and awful. This year I’m feeling a bit better, but I still struggle a lot with things.
Bittersweet dreams…
I’m still having trouble sleeping. I just lie in bed thinking about things, staring at the ceiling. When I do get to sleep, its broken and my bf snores, so that keeps me awake and wakes me as well.
I wish I could tell the CV and psychologist off, but I’m powerless. They are going to get away with doxxing me and turning my life upside down.
I wish I could have beautiful dreams of sunny warm days, picnics with friends and happy days. Not nightmares about betrayal and lies.
Maybe things will get better in the future. Hopefully.
(c)ASD and me 2021
How I feel when people betray me…
I feel like I’m the only who is following quarantine rules
Seems that as soon as covid 19 closed everything, people became dumber and dogs discovered new skills of barking loudly.
I can imagine how tedious and claustrophobic prison would be.
I’m so stressed and can’t relax. I’m trying to do the right thing and stay in my house, but neighbours keep having visitors and parties. I want to report them but can’t find anything online.
I don’t feel like eating anything and find it hard to sleep. I really hate isolation. I didn’t go out much before, but at least it was an option. This really sucks. I keep thinking about bad things, and want this to be over.
I’m so stressed and depressed.
(c)ASD and me 2020.
Depression comes at strange times
Today I did some chores. I went to a company to ask if they can help me, nothing so far, but I’m not being messed around. I don’t want to waste anymore time, so if they can’t, I’ll say don’t worry, I’ll find someone else. I still hate making phone calls, but I still need help so am being forced to do it.
After that, I went to the Barber for a haircut. I like the woman who works there with her Father. I started thinking that she’s lucky she gets to work with her Dad. I can’t imagine working with mine, he has a mental illness as well, and living with him was never easy. It was difficult to avoid his mood swings and anger. I was always worried he’d find something to scream at me for, so I used to hide in my room most of the time to stay away from him.
I don’t know why I was thinking of these things during a hair trim, but tears filled my eyes and before I realised it I was crying. I couldn’t wipe the tears away because I was wearing the cape thing they put around your neck to keep the hair off your clothing. The tears fell down my face and saw in the mirror that my face was red. When she cut the front, I was so afraid she would see the tears and ask what was wrong. The shop was full of men waiting for their haircuts, but thankfully, she didn’t notice or say anything. If she did I was ready with an excuse of “I think I have hair in my eyes.”
I really hate having depression, anxiety disorder and social anxiety. Its already hard for me to leave the house and go out in public. I really do not want or need depression being a bully and forcing me to think about surprising things that will make me anxious, especially at times when I’m trying to appear normal and do normal things, like having a haircut.
I don’t know why I had those thoughts and cried. I just sent my dad some things from Amazon for fathers day, so I’d say out relationship is okay.
©ASD and me 2019™
Woken once again by noise
It’s 3 am and I’m awake. Again. Being kept awake and woken up by the barking muts next door. It truly unbelievable the shitty garbage I have to put up with from noisy idiots.
It’s really cold here, I’m shivering, but I can’t sleep. My fingers don’t work properly enough to type, but I still want to get my thoughts down.
My thought are a jumbled mess and its hard to type a coherent sentence, but I’m not giving up. I’ve had enough of shitty behaviour from lower than cow shit idiots. I called the council again. I must be sleep deprived, but I thought it was a bit funny that when I call them they answer good morning, even though its 3 am. I guess it is morning but I haven’t slept yet.
I tried to call lifeline, but I chickened out. I don’t want to take someone away from a person who actually needs it. I’m not suicidal, just furious, hurt, upset, freezing, numb, confused and a bunch of other emotions, like an avalanche of emotions, sliding down a mountain and I’m caught, trapped, being dragged down with them.
I really wanted to speak to someone and confess loudly “I have ASD!” but I hung up. I still can’t bring myself to say it. It doesn’t feel like it me, I can’t have that. I don’t want it, I want to be normal and have a normal job and normal legs and hair and not be me, be someone who is normal. Even when I look in the mirror sometimes, I don’t feel like its me, I feel like I see someone else.
But I am me. Alone. Typing into a bright screen at 3 30 am.
(c)ASD and me 2019.
I think I’m in shock… or something
I’ve been very confused lately. Just wondering around, like a zombie, not eating much, not saying much. Crying a lot.
Now that its official, I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I thought having a diagnosis would make me feel better, but I feel worse. I also have no emotions. I’m just running on auto pilot and I’ve begun to hate my life. I can’t seem to find anything good to cling to. I just feel lost and am struggling with everything. I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing and sleep then wake up and be happy and normal.
The ASD test said that I wasn’t depressed, but its wrong. I think I’m beyond depression. I’ve left depression island and am now floating down “Where the fuck am I going?” river.
I need to move, I need more money, I need to have an MRI, I need lots of things. But I’m so mentally exhausted, I can’t do these things. I don’t have the energy, so I guess the rest of my life will be wasted at home, in a house I hate, in a shitty neighbourhood I can’t afford to leave and just rot to death in a private hell I can’t escape from.
(c) ASD and me 2019
ASD and me 
You must be logged in to post a comment.