Author: Private Person

Im kind of burnt out with blogging after doing it for 11 years. taking a break. Only had this blog to attract publishers anyway.
Posted in Thoughts

Diagnosis has put me near quicksand

Posted on by Private Person

Given a diagnosis of ASD has left me on loose sand. I don’t know how to walk on the sand without falling in the quicksand part. Where do I go? Who can I trust now? Who are my friends now? Can I even trust anyone with this very private and personal information? Where will I be safe?

I feel like I’m wasting time. I grow more anxious each day, and the sands are slipping through the hour glass and I can feel my time slipping away. I know it won’t matter when I’m dead, but I’m not dead yet and I want to make what ever time I have left on this planet happy or at least, content and as less stressful as I can get.

I sent my new NDIS paperwork in this week. I was anxious and crying since I didn’t know how to answer some questions about my disabilities. I hate having to tell personal information to strangers. I’m worried about what they will do with it.

I’m aware that lying to the government is bad and I’m not doing that, but, if I don’t understand a question and I answer wrong as an innocent mistake, not because of malice or perjury, I don’t want to be accused of lying.

If I didn’t really desperately need the help, I wouldn’t go through all this hassle, but I do really need help. I’m not expecting miracles, just some understanding from a kind person.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Thoughts

I think a man with a pube beard ruined Subway for me

Posted on by Private Person

I rarely buy take away. I can’t eat most because they are always too spicy, salty or greasy. If we do buy it, my bf gets a meal deal with a side of hot chips and I eat some of those. I used to really like Subway. Its salad so that’s meant to be healthy, so what could go wrong ?

We used to have 2 subway restaurants where I live, but last year one closed down. I heard a rumour that they sold moldy bread, so I didn’t buy from there again. The other Subway is on a main street, and I’ve been to them a few times and its been okay. The place is clean, the manager was okay and wore a hair net and gloves to serve the food. But I went there earlier this week and not only were there noisy brats running in and out yelling “he wants carrots not cucumber. no not cucumber mum. mum. MUM. He wants carrots not cucumber.”

Yes we fucking get it, he wants carrot, not carrots or cucumber.

I was trying to ignore that, when I noticed one “sandwich artist” had long hair, a scraggly pube beard and no hairnet. He was wearing gloves, but no hairnet. It was a hot day outside and it looked like he was sweating. The other “sandwich artist” had short hair and I wanted him to serve me, but can I get that man to serve me? Can I say ‘no, I want the man who doesn’t look like a Yeti to serve me. Why? because I really don’t feel like eating your sweat and pube beard sandwich. I know its on the menu since you started, but I have IBS and I really dont think my specialist would recommend it”.

So I left. Bf was disappointed, but understood and suggested we buy something else. I’ll still buy Subway, but if Pube Beard Man is in there, I’ll avoid it.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Thoughts

I hate your stupid brats. Keep them away from me.

Posted on by Private Person

On Monday I was waiting at the medical centre to beg for another mental health plan review, which is an extension of 4 extra sessions. I was waiting in the front room, which was hot. I the main room has air-con but is also crowded and noisy.

So I was waiting, minding my own business reading, when the door between rooms was  opened, brat #1 came through and slammed door very loudly.

I said “Oh gee” loudly. he stopped and looked at me, I looked at him, then he started playing with the coffee machine in the corner. The mother came in, boy yelled “I need money”. Mother said “you can’t play out here”. She looked at me and took the boy in.

I don’t know what the look was about, but if it was anything other than ‘I’m sorry my bastard son is so annoying. I’m a lazy terrible mother who doesn’t give a shit and I regret having him”, then there would have been trouble.

I’m sitting, not reading, just sitting because it was after 4pm and the doctor is meant to finish at 4pm. I’m worried I will need to rush to get through everything, when the door opens again and a girl, brat #2, runs over and jumps right at me. I leaned back, surprised that it happened. The father said you can’t jump at people like that. She opened a folded piece of paper to reveal crayon mess. The father opened the font door and she left, he looked at me and said sorry, then closed door. I heard him say you can’t jump at people like that, so I assume this is a regular occurrence.

Seriously, she’s lucky it was me, in my mentally exhausted state. If it was someone else, they could have pushed her away or worse.

I really wish parents would control their brats. I really don’t understand what this thing is of letting them run wild and do what ever they want, while trying to be friends with them. You’re a parent! Stop trying to be their friend and grow up and actually be a parent!

I do my best to keep away from people and their brats, but its becoming harder and harder. I already sit in the hot room away from everyone, what more can I do?

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in ASD, Autism

Waiting for help and results.

Posted on by Private Person

I’m only able to see my psychologist once a month and this month has been torture waiting. I have an appointment on Monday, so hopefully I can get my NDIS forms filled out, then sent and then wait another 30 days to find out if I qualify.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do if they say no.

Seems the story of my life.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Noise, Thoughts

I hate your noise. Just be quiet #1

Posted on by Private Person

“Everybody’s talkin’ at me,

I can’t hear a word their sayin’,

only the echoes of my mind…”

– Harry Nilsson

I hate people’s noise. I’m mean I really fucking hate peoples stupid juvenile unnecessary noise. It’s ruining more places for me, even my own home life.

For example: if you are wearing headphones, that’s great. Thank you. I appreciate you not forcing everyone to listen to your thumping garbage.

But

If you are playing YOUR music so loudly that I can hear YOUR music from YOUR head phone 2 desks away, then that’s a problem.

This happens everywhere: libraries, quiet carriage on trains, buses, shopping centres, even people walking past on the footpath. They are called headphones because their place is on your head. Not around your neck or hanging from your pocket or backpack.

So if you decide to listen to music, make sure only you can hear it. You are free to deafen yourself if you choose to, but don’t force it on other people.

(c) ASD and me 2019

Posted in Cleaning, Tidying, Thoughts

Extreme KonMari method: hard, exhausting work, but I’m glad I did it.

Posted on by Private Person

I’ve been keeping busy since Christmas by tidying and giving stuff away, mainly to family or charity. I’ve been following the KonMari method of cleaning from the book:

The life changing magic of tidying up by Marie Kondo.

The items I gave away mainly were clothing and containers. I had lots of tracksuit pants that I didn’t wear because the inside lining was polyester or nylon , which is irritating to my skin. I normally buy cotton clothing, but sometimes its very difficult since manufacturers don’t make many pure cotton items. But if I find one, its overly expensive for no good reason I can see.

I have been buying from Op shops or charity shops for years and can sometimes find good clothing that fits me, isn’t stained in weird places with strange colours and is a good price.

I had striped bags full of clothing, blankets, towels, face cloths, napkins, unopened packs of bulk underwear and socks. I went through everything and decided to give away most of it. I kept some things, but most of it wasn’t needed and I didn’t even realise having them or even remember buying some of them. I think I was a bit of a hoarder. Most of the bags are empty now.

I had more than 10 pairs of tracksuits pants. I kept 4 that weren’t itchy and gave the rest away. I had t shirts that didn’t fit anymore, some were old, some were childish and made me wonder why I had kept them.

The kitchen food containers were a hassle. I had some missing lids, and a pile of loose lids with no bodies. I guess containers are like socks.

I also cleaned out the kitchen drawers. I don’t know why I had 5 wooden spoons, but I don’t now. I kept one and gave the rest away, so they can find a new home.

I have 5 cups in the cupboard and 4 dinner plates and 4 small plates. I also found a box of Willow porcelain plates I was given years ago, that I’ll keep for special occasions.

Now my linen press, kitchen and cabinets, wardrobe are now clutter free. Things can breathe and I can see exactly where things are and what I have.

I’m not minimalist, but I’m not a hoarder, which feels good and less stressed when I open my wardrobe door and know that all my clothes I can wear are in there. I don’t need to look for something that isn’t itchy or tight or too long or too short. I dont need to search through bags and take bags down or move bags to get to other bags and I don’t need a ladder now to get to clothes. I even hung my good cotton business looking shirts as well. They’re all shades of blue, which is my favourite colour. I can see all the colours of my clothing and realised they are dark, so I want to buy more shades of colours and not just dark blue, brown, black and grey.

I was shopping and I found a beautiful Dr Seuss mug from the supermarket. I figured after the past 6 months or so, I need something nice after all my appointments and tidying and bad news.

I would recommend the book and the tidying process to everyone. It really does feel better being tidy and I don’t want to go back to being messy and cluttered ever again.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

cup 3

Posted in ASD, Autism, Depression, Thoughts

I think I’m in shock… or something

Posted on by Private Person

I’ve been very confused lately. Just wondering around, like a zombie, not eating much, not saying much. Crying a lot.

Now that its official, I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I thought having a diagnosis would make me feel better, but I feel worse. I also have no emotions. I’m just running on auto pilot and I’ve begun to hate my life. I can’t seem to find anything good to cling to. I just feel lost and am struggling with everything. I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing and sleep then wake up and be happy and normal.

The ASD test said that I wasn’t depressed, but its wrong. I think I’m beyond depression. I’ve left depression island and am now floating down “Where the fuck am I going?” river.

I need to move, I need more money, I need to have an MRI, I need lots of things. But I’m so mentally exhausted, I can’t do these things. I don’t have the energy, so I guess the rest of my life will be wasted at home, in a house I hate, in a shitty neighbourhood I can’t afford to leave and just rot to death in a private hell I can’t escape from.

(c) ASD and me 2019

Posted in Thoughts

I still don’t like phone calls

Posted on by Private Person

I called the NDIS yesterday to ask to reapply. The women I spoke to was was nice, but I was anxious on the phone again and made mistakes.

I really hope this is worth it. It doesn’t matter how many phone calls I make, I still don’t like talking on the phone to strangers. It affects my life and prevents me from calling employers.

I hope I can change and become more confident in the future. Enough so I don’t cry a river every time I make a phone call to a person I don’t know.

(c) ASD and me.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Books

Books with ASD #2: The Rosie project

Posted on by Private Person

I’ve wanted to read this book for a few years, so I asked my bf to buy it for my recent birthday.

This book is about Don Tillman, the main character who I think is meant to have ASD traits, but I’ve only read a few chapters so far so I’m not sure. I don’t want spoilers, so I’m not doing any research.

Its written in the first person narrative of the main character, similar to The curious incident of the dog in the night time.

I’ve only read a few chapters, but I want to keep reading and not put the book down.

I’ve found some of the characters thoughts are similar to my own and I like that so far.

Bf also bought me the second and third books, so I’ve stopped reading my other books and plan to finish these ones.

I’m glad publishers are starting to publish new types of books that aren’t the standard “biscuit cutter” characters. One one hand, it makes me think I could be published, but on the other, it reminds me of the 10 plus years I wasted trying to be published. I don’t know if I want to go through that again, since I’m a lot older and the repeated rejections contributed to my depression. I think I’ll just stick to this blog for now and write about my thoughts.

(c) ASD and me 2019.

Posted in ASD, Autism, Thoughts

It’s life Autie but not as you know it

Posted on by Private Person

What a day. What a week. Waiting for the testing results and waiting for the psychologist to call. She finally did after I called the second time and the receptionist could tell I was crying. I tried not to, I was very anxious to end the call, but didn’t want to be rude.

The psychologist called me back and explained it was a misunderstanding and said it was okay. I was just glad she had called me.

I’ve been going back and forth for months now, but its finally official. The results came in a long 5 page document.

I have ASD. Level 2 with severe anxiety.

I don’t know if its good or bad yet.

I really don’t know how to feel. When the psychologist called this morning, I cried during the call, after the call, then cried in the shower.

Am I the same person or am I different? I’ve been like this my whole life. Will this change who I am? or will I be the same?

Too may questions buzzing around my head. I thought the diagnosis would be a relief, to finally know after all this time; but It wasn’t.

It just created more bees.

Maybe in a few days, weeks, months, I’ll be okay with it, but for now, the Schrodinger cat is out of the box and it can’t be put back in.

(c) ASD and me 2019