Month: December 2019

Posted in Thoughts

Happy new year

Posted on by Private Person

Its almost the new year and I normally make resolutions like, I’m not going to eat chocolate again or I’m going to walk everyday, but I never keep them. I’m filled with zeal and sugar from all the junk I ate over Christmas and my brain is on a high.

So when I come down, normally in February around my birthday and realise I’m a year older, I come back to reality and realise that, I like good quality, mostly plain chocolate and I’m not really worried about my weight. I’m more worried about my teeth being healthy or my gut not hurting, or the arches in my feet not aching.

I still don’t know how to feel about having ASD, so I’m neutral and just trying to live like I did before I knew. That’s my intention, but it doesn’t work out that way mostly.

I do want to meet other people with ASD, especially women who were diagnosed later, like 40, but, I’m not sure what to expect. I don’t expect anyone to become my friend just because we were born with the same disability. I also don’t want anyone to expect anything from me. So conflicted.

I really want to meet new people, but I don’t want any expectations on either side and offences taken or feelings hurt. Meeting new people can be like a battle field sometimes.

Less than 10 people in the world know I have ASD, so I’m conflicted over if I should tell people. I think on one hand, it might be nice and less stressful to be “out” and free, but on the other hand, I’m scared that people will use that very personal information against me and say stupid shit.

But I don’t need to worry about that now.

Happy new year everyone.

© ASD and me 2019

Posted in Thoughts

Remember the 90s and 2019

Posted on by Private Person

I can’t believe its almost 2020. When I first realised it, I was excited because I thought we were almost near one of my favourite song 2525, but then realised no wait, wrong century.

But here are some things I want to remember from 90s when I had my extremely confusing and depressing high school and early twenties.

Martin Molloy was a radio show based in Melbourne in Victoria. It was written, acted and hosted by Tony Martin and Mick Molloy. They are both comedians and I listened to their show everyday it aired. When I attended college, I asked my mum to record the show for me from the radio, so I ended up with lots of cassettes of the show.

The 90s were different to the 80s they were shiny and bright, but 90s were grungey and angsty and singers seemed angry.

I loved a bunch of different genres, some only one song, some albums.

I loved shows like Beavis and Butt head, Ren and Stimpy.

I could write all day about songs and shows I loved growing up in the 90’s, but I need to prepare for the new decade. At least this time we don’t need to worry about Y2K.

Remember that? My Mum made me buy a bunch of candles incase the lights went out. What did you do for Y2K?

There were also movies about preparing for Y2K, like Office Space.

And there will always be a special place in the cheese factory of my heart for 1999 by Prince.

© ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Bush fires, Thoughts

I saw the flames near my house

Posted on by Private Person

About a week ago near 7.30 pm, I looked out the back window and saw red on the hill. Then I saw a bunch of smoke. I yelled to my bf to come look at the fires on the hill.

He looked on his phone and had received a warning from the RFS about an ash attack for our suburb.

We went outside to try and photograph the fire but my phone camera is crappy old so it was just blurry.

I walked across the road and called out to a neighbour and told her about the fire. Then the wind changed direction and started coming over here and the fire was hidden in smoke and the mountain had disappeared. We could only see 2 house up the street before the smoke covered them.

The smoke has been around for so long that some people are, I guess, used to it and it doesn’t affect them. Either that or they think they are invincible and don’t think it will hurt them. They walk around in it and on Christmas night, the dead shits up the road were blasting extremely loud music from their car and we could hear it in our house for over an hour. The house is about 8 houses away, so its not close.

I’m confused as to why other people aren’t hiding in their houses, hoarding carton milk, large water containers, and tins of shredded chicken. I guess they have no health issues from the smoke, like a full, blocked nose that no amount of blowing can empty. My nose has been painful and had a burning feeling inside for weeks now. It normally only happened in the past if I walked past cigarette smoke, but lately it has been everyday.

We also painted a room of the house, so those fumes would have added to it.

I have tried different types of nasal sprays, but only ones with saline and eucalyptus oil because I’m afraid of the chemicals in the ones that make me drowsy. I really want to be able to drive, but I can’t if I’m drowsy and drugged.

Just another set of problems that I wasn’t aware would happen and had no plan for, so more shit I’m forced to deal with.

© ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Bush fires, Thoughts

More smoke and stress

Posted on by Private Person

I can’t stand this stupid smoke. I’m getting more and more stressed. This past week I’ve been up and down the stress level ladder so many times I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I’ve been looking for ways to distract myself from the smoke and I can’t really go outside.

Friday 13th December

I scrubbed the oven and removed a lot of strange brown stains and large piles of gunk. I also took the back off and scrubbed that till my hands were red and my shoulder hurt. I cleaned the counter top and was exhausted after that.

Saturday

I found hidden piles of paper and sorted them and threw some out. I gave some to bf to sort, old bills from 2014, I don’t know how we still had those, we went through everything before we moved here.

Now I still have piles of stuff, that turned into 1 large pile again for when the cleaner came.

I also found old song lyrics I wrote when was in high school, then in college at 19. I studied radio broadcasting then music for 6 months. Then after numerous failures, I gave up my dreams for a “real” job in retail or an office.

I found old novels that I wasted 10 years trying to get published, then gave up and stored my dreams away.

I still have piles of self help books I want to go through, its just trying to find the energy in this heat and smoke. We’ve almost ran out of food to cook, but am avoiding going outside. We’ll need to go out soon, I can see the dust on my kitchen shelves.

I watched the Elf movie on Netflix because the Internet was working normally. We’ve had some issues because Internet and bushfires don’t mix.

Sunday

I’ve been stressing so much abut the fire and the useless community visitor that I gave myself heart burn. I had forgotten what lava felt like.

I tried to remove dye from clothing using vinegar and bicarb. I forgot to plug the bath and all the vinegar ran out. I didn’t find this out until hours later.

I tried to bleach the clothing , but the smell burned my nostrils and filled my house. I had to open a window and the smoke took no time to enter. I guess I found something worse than the smell of smoke and destruction.

Monday

When I woke up, the sky was clear. Hooray! I was so happy I celebrated by opening 2 windows. (Whoa, calm down there, don’t get to excited). I was so giddy, I did some washing and bf hung it out.

After lunch, I was looking at the clear sky out the back window, celebrating having a clear lungs and being able to breathe, when I looked to the left and saw a small amount of smoke coming from the left over other mountains. I had been fooled by the blue sky into thinking it would be safe to clean the oven, but when I saw the new smoke, I was sad again. Also exhausted because the oven was in bits and covered in cleaner, which stank, so I couldn’t close the window until everything was cleaned. It took me over an hour to clean everything, then rinse, then I just put the parts back in the oven wet then closed the window.

I was so tired and done with cleaning the house, I sat on the floor and watched tv. After we quickly drove to Hungry Jacks yesterday for dinner and they forgot to put chicken nuggets in the bag, then came home and had minimal time outside walking from the car to the front door, but the smoke still invaded my senses and followed us into the house while the door was opened.

Tuesday

Smoke still covers out yard and we can’t see more than 2 houses down.

I’m running out of things to clean. I’ve already cleaned out the fridge, oven, counter tops, bathroom, vacuumed and picked up the kitchen floor rug and the loungeroom floor rug. Am running out of things to clean to distract me from the smoke.

Hopefully the wind will change again, then we will get some fresh air, then can go shopping.

Wednesday till Friday December 20th

Still the same. The winds blows and smoke moves slightly, but its still here. We still have 2 and a half months left of summer, so I guess we have to get used to it.

ASD and me 2019

Posted in Thoughts

1 year anniversary

Posted on by Private Person

Wow. Its hard for me to believe that I’ve been writing on this blog continuously for a year. I started this blog last year because I was getting a diagnosis of ASD and was very confused and scared. I had too many questions, like was my whole life about to change? Was my life a lie? Who am I now? Who was I? What do I want to be now?

Many times I have struggled to get words down. I have fumbled more times than I can remember, but I kept going, in hopes somehow this blog would help me. And has it? I’m not sure, but I like writing out my feelings, even if no one else ever reads them, at least I have a record of my thoughts.

I’ve had many blogs in the past. The first blog I started was around 2010 on Blogger but I didn’t use it much. Then I found WordPress and everything changed. I learned how to upload, to add photos and memes, to make my own inspiration quotes and just to express myself.

I know I’m not the best writer, but I’m slowly learning.

I hope to publish a book one day, but I’m not good at fiction writing and all I do is struggle. Despite all the writing books I’ve read, its still very difficult. I plan to keep writing and uploading, at least once a week. Writing helps my memory, so I want to keep doing it.

I was hoping that I would make some friends, but now I have no expectations, since I haven’t told anyone in the real world about my blog and I don’t plan to.

I hope things change in the future and my health improves, all the bushfires are extinguished, snow returns and I really want to move to a different area, away from this mountain. I would like to meet new people and make friends, but I’m not holding my breath. I’m learning to do things on my own and not rely on other people, so hopefully that will continue.

I’m still not sure how I feel about having ASD, but its in me and now I have to deal with it. Maybe it won’t be too bad once I get more help and find a better place to live.

©ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Bush fires, Thoughts

The smoke is an intruder…

Posted on by Private Person

Woke up this morning and bf told me to look out the back windows. The smoke had come up the side of the mountain and swallowed everything. It was in our backyard and our kitchen was hazy. The smoke burned my nose more and felt like my nostrils were full and harder to blow.

Even with smoke everywhere, some people still act like nothing is happening, even though there’s a fire at the next train station. I heard a loud noise out the front, so I looked. There was a man on the roof cleaning and preparing to paint. I think a local man started a roof painting business since I’ve seen some houses with his sign on the fence.

I guess he has to work and he has booked jobs, but surely smoke being everywhere would be a good reason to cancel?

I keep thinking about the worse things that could happen. I keep crying and trying to distract myself by watching YouTube, but it only helps for a little while. Then I need to breathe and am reminded.

I feel so trapped. The major highway has been closed, so that means we can’t leave and drive to Sydney. I don’t trust the train because that will stop too and we’ve been on a train where we had to wait almost an hour and people were arguing and I thought there would be violence.

I feel more helpless and useless than ever. My eyes hurt from the smoke as well. We blocked up windows with sticky tape and put towels under doors to try and stop the smoke coming in and also turn on the air con to get some fresh air. I haven’t left the house for 2 days because of the smoke and I didn’t go to my art group today because I was afraid of driving and choking. I’m going to watch tv and read to try and take my mind off everything.

I really hope the RFS can stop the fires or control them enough so it doesn’t come to my house. I hate living here now. No view is worth this much stress, anxiety and health issues.

©ASD and me 2019.

Posted in Cleaning, Tidying, Minimalism, Thoughts

Stuff in the garage

Posted on by Private Person

Before the smoke invaded my town, I was heavy into decluttering my home. Now I can’t even go outside without being harassed by invisible smells and fog.

I’ve been trying to declutter the garage for weeks now, but it seems the spiders have other ideas and don’t want me disturbing their webs or piles of dust.

So many plastic containers to get through. Lots of old notebooks I had forgotten about and art supplies, scrapbooking supplies and pens! Lots of pens that seem to have played some Marvin Gaye and made more pens. You’d think I have a pen obsession or something. (I think I might).

I thought I was done. But clutter and mess are never done. Like a virus, it mutates new strains of junk, so more Coles pamphlets, old school reports, fold back clips, plastic scrapbooking stars, and pens. Old art drawings, plastic sleeves and pens. Old RTA books about round-about rules and old negatives. I don’t need them, I have 5 digital cameras!

Up and down the ramp, in and out the house and garage all day with bulging boxes and baskets.

Hopefully this exodus of stuff will end soon.

©ASD plus me 2019.

Posted in Thoughts

More fire closing in

Posted on by Private Person

Friday bf and I drove to Sydney early and saw the sun rising as a huge glowing orange ball of light.  When we arrived at my parents house, the sun was enormous. I tried to photograph it, but I only had my Samsung phone so I had limitations. I had planned to take my mother Christmas shopping.

In the afternoon, the sky was light brown, foggy and full of dust. Bits of ash were on the ground and it was getting harder to breathe outside. The smoke irritated my nostrils when I was outside so I had to go back in. The smell was everywhere. My brother and dad were smoking inside and that made me angry. Do they not see the brown colour of the sky? Or that we can’t see more than 2 houses away? How can people be so inconsiderate or selfish or I don’t know, in denial? I’ve had arguments with my dad in the past about his disgusting habit, so I try to stay from him while he’s smoking.

This bush fire seems to have control of me and I don’t know why. I know that its still far away and if we need to evacuate, the news and other neighbours will tell us. I have a bag packed and emergency supplies and will buy more, but I still feel unsafe.

I woke up Sunday and the sky here is brown. All the mountains are gone, swallowed by the relentless smoke. I feel helpless in a strange debilitating way. I really want the fires to stop, but I have no control. I can’t escape the smoke. I hate feeling helpless, it makes me very anxious and then I panic.

Even as I type, I can feel the smoke entering my nose, sharp and peppery. It smells bitter and pungent and hot. It stings my skin and makes me sneeze.

Nothing has escaped this suffocating blanket. Our car has ash on the hood, the garage roof has a layer. I saw a bird fly past and it stumbled mid flight. I worry about about the poor animals, they have smaller lungs than humans. I want to put out food and water for them, but I’m worried it will be contaminated by falling ash.

The weather report said rain is due so hopefully we will get some peace and fresh air soon.

ASD and me 2019.

https://www.service.nsw.gov.au/life-events/natural-disasters/dealing-bushfire

https://www.emergency.nsw.gov.au/Pages/for-the-community/disaster-assistance/disaster-assistance.aspx

Posted in Thoughts

I’m so confused by some people

Posted on by Private Person

I have had disabilities most of my life. I don’t like them. I’ve tried to cure them or make their severity less, I’ve been to many doctors, psychologists, even social groups, to try and cure myself. My goal was to cure myself, to make my self less socially anxious and less depressed.

I didn’t cause these disabilities or illnesses. I try to eat healthy food. I rarely eat chocolate. I don’t smoke, I hate smoking and try to stay away from smokers because I have allergies. I had an expensive allergy test to find what things I need to stay away from. I had very expensive and painful dentists appointments to fix my teeth so I can eat proper food and not live on baby food and junk.

I don’t want any of these disabilities or illness. If I could cure them, I would. But since I can’t, I’m forced to live with them, which is a huge struggle everyday.

So it really blows my mind that people, with a perfectly functioning body, would CHOOSE to make themselves disabled. Its called trans abled, but the medical term is Body Integrity Dysphoria.

This is so disrespectful and a kick in the face to the disabled. Its also aggravating because some of these people, Choosers I’m naming them, can get Welfare. It took me over a year to prove my disabilities to the government, but still I only receive disability support, not welfare payments.

I’m so confused and angered as to why anyone would make themselves disabled, like the women who poured drain cleaner into her eyes to make herself blind, or the man who cut off his own arm. This is not a thing that should be happening. This makes me scared for children now.

Do these people have hypochondria? Do they hear of an illness on the news and think they have it? If their leg itches, do they think they have the plague? Or do they think, maybe its the new fabric softener?

I fear for the future of humanity now. People are already allowed to have genitals removed, what will be next?

I think the world is speeding towards a dystopian future and I want to get off.

©ASD and me™  2019.

Posted in Bush fires, Thoughts

Thank you Rural Fire Service (RFS)

Posted on by Private Person

I have said before I don’t like were I live, but I don’t want my house to burn down; then I would be homeless . I don’t know how much my insurance will cover, even though we pay large fees every month.

I have been so stressed with everything happening, and now the fire on top, I just want to scream everyday. The only thing that gives me hope is the fire fighters. If it wasn’t for them, I think my house and most of the houses in NSW would be ash.

Bf and me drove back from my parents house on Friday and didn’t take the highway, we took a different route, and drove past lots of blackened trees. I saw a sign some one had made and hung from a tree that read Thank you RFS. I thought that was so nice of someone to do that. I hope the fire fighters see it. I was thinking before, if some came to my door and asked for help or for water, of course I’ll help them. I have emergency provisions and am happy to share them with the people who are saving my life.

I can’t fight the fire myself, so I’m so very grateful that the RFS exist.

I’m saying this because some ignorant crazy woman went on the news and said that the firemen are going home after the fires and abusing their wives. She had no statistics, or proof or anything to backup up her statements. I really don’t know why you would slag off people who are tying to save everyone, but I guess she wanted the attention. If she really thought this was happening, tell the Police, don’t defame them on live national tv.

I know the RFS probably won’t read this, but I just want them to know that I’m so grateful beyond words for all their help.

©ASD and me 2019.